You know, good relationships begin with good friendships. But the problem is that ends the friendship.
With Sarah and I, I noticed my feelings started changing towards her, like I began to like her as more than a friend. And as we hang out more often, I noticed I began to like her more and more. Now I can't even second guess my own emotions, I really do like her.
But I don't want to like her.
She is the first friend as a girl who I've felt so close with. Besides Ginger who was a friend with benefits who I felt was like my best friend sometimes, Sarah is the closest friend as a girl with no sexual interaction. And I want to keep that, I like it. I don't want things getting all confrontational between us and then have us stop talking. Plus, she gets bored with people and then breaks up.
The upside is Sarah is mostly lesbain even though she does date guys occasionally. And she also has a girlfriend who she cares about a lot.
So I have to distance myself from her so my feeling can return to normal for her. And hopefully on her part I'm just a friend so it doesn't go anywhere else.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My Life This Past Year
I'm going to write about my life this past year and the events that defined me even more, with the topics being
- Ginger-Love & Hate
- The Internship
- Training at Iona
- The Return to School
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Her Last Email
Her Last email
"it's predictible because you just got on the attack. you say you forgive me but you're being rude and sarcastic with me now. the only reason i dont' forgive you is because i know what you think of me and i see you as condescending and arrogant. and not as smart as you think. i'm not ready to forgive that yet. so i won't block you as long as you leave me alone, which i think you will, if you've truly forgiven me. if youw ant the last word, cuz you think i always insist on having it, then go ahead. its yours. say one more thing."
She also calls me condescending.
If she truly has matured and grown then should could put me in my place and show me she's deserve the respect of being treated as an equal. Make me feel like I have no right to be condesecnding. Many point in my life, people treated me like I didn't deserve a certain respect, so I step up to them and show them the opposite. But I spent most my life outside of Edgemont so I'm more accustomed to the real world and realize I will have to do this time and time again. Me earning my respect is what is getting me the Internship at IBM, not my GPA. I don't know if she can and she probably won't. Again, not my problem though, everyone has their limitations.
And just thought, that is what has seperated us. When someone says I can't do something, that motivates me to prove them wrong, its like a challenge. You test me and I will answer and try to beat any expectations set before me.
In her case, she does not like being tested or challenged. She would always get mad at me when she thought I was testing in, in which many times I wasn't. And its not be mean or condescending, but its true.
Maybe I should just try to be nice and just apologize and be sincere. Communication without sarcasim, belittling hidden meaning or agendas. Just real honest communication. Thats something else I need to work up to. Gotta remember what I said in my last my post.
Regardless of how I feel about a person, if they show me they deserve respect, then they will get respect. If you want it but can't earn it, then why do you deserve it.
But I do feel bad of some of things I do say about her and I probably shouldn't. She does take things in stride though. I've always noticed that she may not be very sensitive towards how someone else may feel, but she herself and her feelings, she is sensitive. Maybe if she showed me she was sensitve a little bit more often instead of always trying to play tough girl, maybe I would have understood when I was hurting her and would have stopped. It takes a strong person to say, "what you said really hurt me". But if the points are true, can you really not like a person for saying it? It may really matter how everything is said. The one thing she has to learn and understand that forgiving me and not hating me is not going to be easy. It wasn't easy for me. Once she understands that and accepts it then she will be able too. The choice between what is right versus what is easy is never something easy, if it was then everybody would just do it. Thats probably more along the lines of what I should have said to her last night.
"Its my turn,
I demand my respect,
Give me my burn,
or get slammed to your neck."
"it's predictible because you just got on the attack. you say you forgive me but you're being rude and sarcastic with me now. the only reason i dont' forgive you is because i know what you think of me and i see you as condescending and arrogant. and not as smart as you think. i'm not ready to forgive that yet. so i won't block you as long as you leave me alone, which i think you will, if you've truly forgiven me. if youw ant the last word, cuz you think i always insist on having it, then go ahead. its yours. say one more thing."
She also calls me condescending.
If she truly has matured and grown then should could put me in my place and show me she's deserve the respect of being treated as an equal. Make me feel like I have no right to be condesecnding. Many point in my life, people treated me like I didn't deserve a certain respect, so I step up to them and show them the opposite. But I spent most my life outside of Edgemont so I'm more accustomed to the real world and realize I will have to do this time and time again. Me earning my respect is what is getting me the Internship at IBM, not my GPA. I don't know if she can and she probably won't. Again, not my problem though, everyone has their limitations.
And just thought, that is what has seperated us. When someone says I can't do something, that motivates me to prove them wrong, its like a challenge. You test me and I will answer and try to beat any expectations set before me.
In her case, she does not like being tested or challenged. She would always get mad at me when she thought I was testing in, in which many times I wasn't. And its not be mean or condescending, but its true.
Maybe I should just try to be nice and just apologize and be sincere. Communication without sarcasim, belittling hidden meaning or agendas. Just real honest communication. Thats something else I need to work up to. Gotta remember what I said in my last my post.
Regardless of how I feel about a person, if they show me they deserve respect, then they will get respect. If you want it but can't earn it, then why do you deserve it.
But I do feel bad of some of things I do say about her and I probably shouldn't. She does take things in stride though. I've always noticed that she may not be very sensitive towards how someone else may feel, but she herself and her feelings, she is sensitive. Maybe if she showed me she was sensitve a little bit more often instead of always trying to play tough girl, maybe I would have understood when I was hurting her and would have stopped. It takes a strong person to say, "what you said really hurt me". But if the points are true, can you really not like a person for saying it? It may really matter how everything is said. The one thing she has to learn and understand that forgiving me and not hating me is not going to be easy. It wasn't easy for me. Once she understands that and accepts it then she will be able too. The choice between what is right versus what is easy is never something easy, if it was then everybody would just do it. Thats probably more along the lines of what I should have said to her last night.
"Its my turn,
I demand my respect,
Give me my burn,
or get slammed to your neck."
Last Hurdle with Ginger
Having hate in your heart, regardless if you think about it or not, weighs a person down. I realized that even if I wasn't thinking about what happened between me and Ginger, the hate in my heart was affecting me. And when I finally decided to face myself and forgive her, and no longer hate her, it was like this invisible burden had been lifted.Its like feeling more at peace with yourself. I guess if you hate someone, whether you truly admit it to yourself or not, it still does affect you.
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”
When I look back, I realize the reason why I harrassed her was because I wanted some sort of ending. Whether it would be a good one or some sort of fight, I wanted an ending rather than just not saying anything. She's never fought with me in person, once over the phone, and rarely online. Most fights would have to be through letters or on facebook, the most covert way possible. And I realized that I wanted a real fight, I wanted her to for once really stand up to me. When I say fight, I mean not a literal fight where we get physical, but a real arguement where you can see the other persons anger. When you stand their and actually yell at each other. When things are said on the moment and you can't hide how you feel through some letter. There is something about those arguements that have a climax and then the eventual letting go of tension. But I then realized that would happen no matter what I did, she's not the type of person to face things head on, and its mostly because of her past. Even if she does read my blog from time to time even today, I know she won't say anything because she's not that kind of person to face me directly.
Its taken me time to get over my anger and sort through my emotions. I realized that at times my heart, I should say resolve, became weak. I knew the difference between right and wrong and I choose to do wrong because no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, it was never the same response. So the logic became, if they can't do right by me, why should I even do right by them? And that was wrong because it showed I had a strong heart with good intentions, but it failed under a certain amount of pressure. Thats when my anger turned to hate.
So I've come to my new resolve to do right, regardless of the circumstances. That means regardless of how people choose to treat me, who I am around, and even how it will affect me. If I am someday going to be part of changing the world for the better, I have to be strong about things.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
I'm sorta glad Karl told me what she did after Ginger flipped a shit on him for being proven wrong. She's always hated being wrong and accepting that her ideas maybe wrong. She's too weak to stand up and fight for them or accept that they might be flawed. We both agreed, she comes from a very sheltered environment in Edgemont. Edgemont is about the farthest place from the real world a kid can be and it funny because the kids think they are learning a wealth of knowledge but the teachers know the kids really know nothing. My question has been, why make those kids so delusional and sheltered? Anyway, Karl also noticed she had other issues about her, those being with anger and self delusion. I also can't believe she would get the whole A-School involved between us. I also find it funny to that she claims to give them the full story and says she is unbiased. Self delusional. She will keep telling herself that everything she did is because she didn't care, which up to a large point wasn't always true and certainly does not jusifty things. Self delusional. I told him don't talk about morals, god or actually following through with them. She's not the kind of person who lives up to things and will make every excuse not too.
Thats also one reason why I dislike Christians. They follow Christianity whenever they want to(most of the time breaking the rules of what they believe for their own selfish desires) and when they feel they are wrong, they just merely ask for forgiveness and thats the end. How pathetic. And I was also telling him, she may say leave me alone, but she ALWAYS has to try and get the last word in, and she'll only say it when she realizes she is losing. She's still an immature kid, I knew she wouldn't change. No one can in Edgemont. Good job in making enemies. He even got her to admit that she hated me. The funniest thing I find is how she gave him my screen name but then turns around and claims she forgot doing that. Now someone can see what I was talking about. But alas, thats not my problem.
In the end, she doesn't have know to full story of what really happened and doesn't care to, so I won't have to explain it or tell it. Nor will she realize the impacts or true results/aim. But thats something completely different. My next step for myself is to tell her I forgive her and no longer hate her. And when she says nothing, then I have to accept that and keep moving with a strong heart. Those are her faults and not mine, and to become stronger, I need to be stronger than both of ours.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”
When I look back, I realize the reason why I harrassed her was because I wanted some sort of ending. Whether it would be a good one or some sort of fight, I wanted an ending rather than just not saying anything. She's never fought with me in person, once over the phone, and rarely online. Most fights would have to be through letters or on facebook, the most covert way possible. And I realized that I wanted a real fight, I wanted her to for once really stand up to me. When I say fight, I mean not a literal fight where we get physical, but a real arguement where you can see the other persons anger. When you stand their and actually yell at each other. When things are said on the moment and you can't hide how you feel through some letter. There is something about those arguements that have a climax and then the eventual letting go of tension. But I then realized that would happen no matter what I did, she's not the type of person to face things head on, and its mostly because of her past. Even if she does read my blog from time to time even today, I know she won't say anything because she's not that kind of person to face me directly.
Its taken me time to get over my anger and sort through my emotions. I realized that at times my heart, I should say resolve, became weak. I knew the difference between right and wrong and I choose to do wrong because no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, it was never the same response. So the logic became, if they can't do right by me, why should I even do right by them? And that was wrong because it showed I had a strong heart with good intentions, but it failed under a certain amount of pressure. Thats when my anger turned to hate.
So I've come to my new resolve to do right, regardless of the circumstances. That means regardless of how people choose to treat me, who I am around, and even how it will affect me. If I am someday going to be part of changing the world for the better, I have to be strong about things.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
I'm sorta glad Karl told me what she did after Ginger flipped a shit on him for being proven wrong. She's always hated being wrong and accepting that her ideas maybe wrong. She's too weak to stand up and fight for them or accept that they might be flawed. We both agreed, she comes from a very sheltered environment in Edgemont. Edgemont is about the farthest place from the real world a kid can be and it funny because the kids think they are learning a wealth of knowledge but the teachers know the kids really know nothing. My question has been, why make those kids so delusional and sheltered? Anyway, Karl also noticed she had other issues about her, those being with anger and self delusion. I also can't believe she would get the whole A-School involved between us. I also find it funny to that she claims to give them the full story and says she is unbiased. Self delusional. She will keep telling herself that everything she did is because she didn't care, which up to a large point wasn't always true and certainly does not jusifty things. Self delusional. I told him don't talk about morals, god or actually following through with them. She's not the kind of person who lives up to things and will make every excuse not too.
Thats also one reason why I dislike Christians. They follow Christianity whenever they want to(most of the time breaking the rules of what they believe for their own selfish desires) and when they feel they are wrong, they just merely ask for forgiveness and thats the end. How pathetic. And I was also telling him, she may say leave me alone, but she ALWAYS has to try and get the last word in, and she'll only say it when she realizes she is losing. She's still an immature kid, I knew she wouldn't change. No one can in Edgemont. Good job in making enemies. He even got her to admit that she hated me. The funniest thing I find is how she gave him my screen name but then turns around and claims she forgot doing that. Now someone can see what I was talking about. But alas, thats not my problem.
In the end, she doesn't have know to full story of what really happened and doesn't care to, so I won't have to explain it or tell it. Nor will she realize the impacts or true results/aim. But thats something completely different. My next step for myself is to tell her I forgive her and no longer hate her. And when she says nothing, then I have to accept that and keep moving with a strong heart. Those are her faults and not mine, and to become stronger, I need to be stronger than both of ours.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
To Question Reality
Humans are ruled by their minds.
Sight, hearing, touch,
Ultimately, the senses are but a feeble gleam inside the mind.
The world in which people believe in cannot be trust.
Inside your mind, everything easily changes shape. Meaning changes.
There are as many truths as there are people.
What is emptiness? What is reality? What is death? What is life?
Sight, hearing, touch,
Ultimately, the senses are but a feeble gleam inside the mind.
The world in which people believe in cannot be trust.
Inside your mind, everything easily changes shape. Meaning changes.
There are as many truths as there are people.
What is emptiness? What is reality? What is death? What is life?
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Drunk Hook-Up
Maybe I'm to nice. I could have stayed and probably hooked up with Kanh since she was drunk, but I really didn't want too, not my style.
Plus I may really like this girl. We had fun we she stopped by my house for her to fix my computer and then we went out to jungle rapids. Even though it was kid games, she admitted she had fun. So really I guess she is a person I can have fun with doing anything.
So if I really like this girl and possibly want a lasting relationship with her, why would I have our first hook up to be drunk? I'd rather is be the night we had dinner together, our an amusement park. Something nice, not do you remember our first kiss when we were shit faced?
So because of that, I left early. I never really have hooked up with drunk girls. Its never really been my style to do that or to even really drink in that matter. I prefer a hook-up to be because a girl really wants and can do it without being under some influence.
Plus I may really like this girl. We had fun we she stopped by my house for her to fix my computer and then we went out to jungle rapids. Even though it was kid games, she admitted she had fun. So really I guess she is a person I can have fun with doing anything.
So if I really like this girl and possibly want a lasting relationship with her, why would I have our first hook up to be drunk? I'd rather is be the night we had dinner together, our an amusement park. Something nice, not do you remember our first kiss when we were shit faced?
So because of that, I left early. I never really have hooked up with drunk girls. Its never really been my style to do that or to even really drink in that matter. I prefer a hook-up to be because a girl really wants and can do it without being under some influence.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Breaking the News
Its one thing to get drunk and cheat on someone by accident, its a whole other story to activiely cheat on someone multiple times, and even worse with the same person. So tonight I have to break the news to one of my closest friends in college that her boyfriend has been cheating on her for probably the past year.
Its funny how things happen and it is such a small world. I was giving Kameiko a ride to see Toya and she starts talking about Kelvin and how they had sex two weeks ago and was doing it through the entire semester. And Kelvin and RaeRae having been dating since the summer/fall, so almost a half a year to a year. And then she starts talking about the other girls Kelvin has on the side.
The funny thing is how she doesn't realize that me and RaeRae have been friends since freshman year. Thats my home girl and Iove her, in a none sexual way. So if this dude is really cheating on her like this and is about to take her virginity, I feel that I can't stand by and let her be hurt that like. Its going to hurt just by finding out, but since virginity is such a big thing to girls, it would hurt even more to have her let that go.
So now I have to sit her down and talk to her about it. Lets see how it goes.
Its funny how things happen and it is such a small world. I was giving Kameiko a ride to see Toya and she starts talking about Kelvin and how they had sex two weeks ago and was doing it through the entire semester. And Kelvin and RaeRae having been dating since the summer/fall, so almost a half a year to a year. And then she starts talking about the other girls Kelvin has on the side.
The funny thing is how she doesn't realize that me and RaeRae have been friends since freshman year. Thats my home girl and Iove her, in a none sexual way. So if this dude is really cheating on her like this and is about to take her virginity, I feel that I can't stand by and let her be hurt that like. Its going to hurt just by finding out, but since virginity is such a big thing to girls, it would hurt even more to have her let that go.
So now I have to sit her down and talk to her about it. Lets see how it goes.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Contempt for Humanity
The more I think about it, the more I have a general contempt for humanity. I guess I can attribute it to my way of thinking.
I believe in the concept that each and every person on this planet is someway connected and connected to the planet itself. The way we treat each, good or bad, has a lasting effect on people as a whole. If people would take more time having respect and empathy for each other, the world would be a better place.
Yet the more I observe, the more I realize humans are selfish, self important animals. Yes I called them animals. Atleast with animals, they may not have the concept of right and wrong and they do things on instinct. For example, a lion kills for food. Humans on the other hand kill things for one, taking away a beings one chance of living for their own pleasure. Not only do they kill other species but they kill their own species for many reasons besides the need to preserve their own life.
To me killing is killing. Going to war and killing is really no different from some gangsta killing someone over weed. In perpestive, both weed and oil are a commidities. The United States needs oil to run, given. A gangsta may not need weed. But both commodities can be obtained in non-volient and civil ways. But the choice is made to go to war over iraq or shoot someone down in the street for not paying for their weed. The real difference lies in that one is murder is backed up by a nation while the other is just individual. So the question comes to mind is individual murder wrong but murder done by a massive group of people right? The American Revolution, Communist Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq, Pearl Harbor, The Crusades, Manifest Destiny are many of these events at one point in time right because they were backed by a nation and not deemed as murder but as war, liberation or the right to expand?
Then think of Holocaust, the genocide that goes on in Africa, slavery, child labor. How can people be so evil and have such a lack of regard or care for each other? And then comes the destruction of the planet and the environment around people. The more powerful people get, the more they destroy, especially since the Industral Revolution. How forest with variety of species of other life was destroyed for human expansion. Humans do lack empathy for the world around them.
To me, murder is wrong because not only do you take away that persons ability to enjoy a limited life, but also it affects the people that cared about that the person: friends, family, a lover. And the destruction of the environment is basically saying other species do not have the right to exist. The Matrix was right, the human race is a live a virus, destroying eveything that it comes across into their own image.
So I decided I wanted to change this and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Now I wasn't out to save the world type of thing, that change the small nitch that I live in. So for people that knew me, I tried to think about their feelings and desires before my own. So if someone needed help or wanted something as simple as a slice of pizza that I bought, I would do it. And I began to understand people emotions and when they got hurt. For example, a girl who is a friend of mine got mad that a guy lied to her about his whereabouts and was with some other girl and said she didn't care, doesn't phaze her. But look at human emotions, body language, tone of voice carefully and you will see their real emotions. So I said to her that, "she felt hurt and mad because he lied to her and it becomes how can I like him and trust him if he is going to lie to me" and I was dead on and she opened up about it. I respect all life. If there a bug crawling in front of you, why do you have to kill it? If you love your pet and take responsiblity for it, don't put it in a cage all day and make it wait for you to be ready to take it to the bathroom when it has been wanting for 2 hours.
Its not a bad thing, but as a defense mechanisms, people down play negative and hurt emotions they have towards or caused by someone else. Why? It may be to protect a fragile ego and state of existence. I remember with Ginger, she never admitted she was mad but her body language and body tone alway says something different and it become frustrating how the truth was blatant but never admitted.
But then I began to realize, people really only want you for their own desires and needs. I help this girl out for class but whenever I asked what happened for a classs missed, she never answers. So I decided when she IMed for help, I wouldn't answer and I didn't. For the Greenburgh Nature Center, I wanted to make a program for them and all they had to do was communicate. Things were going smooth until they stopped communication all of the sudden. Then they ask me to help out two months later with the program. I am still hesitant to pick up and help out now but I'm thinking because it could make things better for the volunteers, not just the staff who wasn't communicating with me. With Ginger, I tried doing the right thing by releasing her from any emotional strain/guilt and at the same time releasing myself, but she knew what was bothering me and wanted it to bother me, so I came back at her with something that would bother her. Other people become like an emotional burden where you help them get through things emotionally and they just disappear. When your down, they are never around. I did this for quite a few problems, talked with them about themselves and they talk for hours. But then I realized, they didn't even know me the slightest bit and probably didn't care to. So next time they come to me for support, I won't be there.
Then there goes all the lying and cheating I see everyday. People lie to each other about so many things, even simple stuff. I see girlfriend and boyfriends cheat on each other all the time. People steal other peoples thing such as iPods and cell phones for their own use. I've haven't stolen in a long time and have always returned lost goods because I know how much it sux losing one's own stuff; loosing a cellphone and especially a wallet can be VERY frustrating, and sometimes expensive. So it makes me so angry when I see this stuff go on, people really only care for themselves and disregard how their actions can affect someone else. In other words, people see everyone else as means and never as ends, there is no real instrinsic value of a person.
Its funny and amusing to myself that some of the moral, concepts and idea that I have mirror some of the greater thinkers of the past that I once studied, but this kind of thought I've reached in only 21 years, not a lifetime. Like a gift and curse, this kind of thinking causes me pain with a sense of enlightment but it controls my very way of life and how I treat people and what I don't do in life. Some people understand me, other people refuse too, don't care to or don't have tha ability too. I see since Ginger that my way of thinking cannot be shared with all because it causes problem. She would tell me I anaylize too much but I think I anaylize and accept things for what they are.
So basically I'm losing hope in the good of people as a whole, partly because what I witness and partly because I am powerless to change it. I'm changing out of contempt to make other people not my concern. But its hard because I understand other people, one might say I have too much empathy. Maybe I just need more resolve.
I believe in the concept that each and every person on this planet is someway connected and connected to the planet itself. The way we treat each, good or bad, has a lasting effect on people as a whole. If people would take more time having respect and empathy for each other, the world would be a better place.
Yet the more I observe, the more I realize humans are selfish, self important animals. Yes I called them animals. Atleast with animals, they may not have the concept of right and wrong and they do things on instinct. For example, a lion kills for food. Humans on the other hand kill things for one, taking away a beings one chance of living for their own pleasure. Not only do they kill other species but they kill their own species for many reasons besides the need to preserve their own life.
To me killing is killing. Going to war and killing is really no different from some gangsta killing someone over weed. In perpestive, both weed and oil are a commidities. The United States needs oil to run, given. A gangsta may not need weed. But both commodities can be obtained in non-volient and civil ways. But the choice is made to go to war over iraq or shoot someone down in the street for not paying for their weed. The real difference lies in that one is murder is backed up by a nation while the other is just individual. So the question comes to mind is individual murder wrong but murder done by a massive group of people right? The American Revolution, Communist Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq, Pearl Harbor, The Crusades, Manifest Destiny are many of these events at one point in time right because they were backed by a nation and not deemed as murder but as war, liberation or the right to expand?
Then think of Holocaust, the genocide that goes on in Africa, slavery, child labor. How can people be so evil and have such a lack of regard or care for each other? And then comes the destruction of the planet and the environment around people. The more powerful people get, the more they destroy, especially since the Industral Revolution. How forest with variety of species of other life was destroyed for human expansion. Humans do lack empathy for the world around them.
To me, murder is wrong because not only do you take away that persons ability to enjoy a limited life, but also it affects the people that cared about that the person: friends, family, a lover. And the destruction of the environment is basically saying other species do not have the right to exist. The Matrix was right, the human race is a live a virus, destroying eveything that it comes across into their own image.
So I decided I wanted to change this and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Now I wasn't out to save the world type of thing, that change the small nitch that I live in. So for people that knew me, I tried to think about their feelings and desires before my own. So if someone needed help or wanted something as simple as a slice of pizza that I bought, I would do it. And I began to understand people emotions and when they got hurt. For example, a girl who is a friend of mine got mad that a guy lied to her about his whereabouts and was with some other girl and said she didn't care, doesn't phaze her. But look at human emotions, body language, tone of voice carefully and you will see their real emotions. So I said to her that, "she felt hurt and mad because he lied to her and it becomes how can I like him and trust him if he is going to lie to me" and I was dead on and she opened up about it. I respect all life. If there a bug crawling in front of you, why do you have to kill it? If you love your pet and take responsiblity for it, don't put it in a cage all day and make it wait for you to be ready to take it to the bathroom when it has been wanting for 2 hours.
Its not a bad thing, but as a defense mechanisms, people down play negative and hurt emotions they have towards or caused by someone else. Why? It may be to protect a fragile ego and state of existence. I remember with Ginger, she never admitted she was mad but her body language and body tone alway says something different and it become frustrating how the truth was blatant but never admitted.
But then I began to realize, people really only want you for their own desires and needs. I help this girl out for class but whenever I asked what happened for a classs missed, she never answers. So I decided when she IMed for help, I wouldn't answer and I didn't. For the Greenburgh Nature Center, I wanted to make a program for them and all they had to do was communicate. Things were going smooth until they stopped communication all of the sudden. Then they ask me to help out two months later with the program. I am still hesitant to pick up and help out now but I'm thinking because it could make things better for the volunteers, not just the staff who wasn't communicating with me. With Ginger, I tried doing the right thing by releasing her from any emotional strain/guilt and at the same time releasing myself, but she knew what was bothering me and wanted it to bother me, so I came back at her with something that would bother her. Other people become like an emotional burden where you help them get through things emotionally and they just disappear. When your down, they are never around. I did this for quite a few problems, talked with them about themselves and they talk for hours. But then I realized, they didn't even know me the slightest bit and probably didn't care to. So next time they come to me for support, I won't be there.
Then there goes all the lying and cheating I see everyday. People lie to each other about so many things, even simple stuff. I see girlfriend and boyfriends cheat on each other all the time. People steal other peoples thing such as iPods and cell phones for their own use. I've haven't stolen in a long time and have always returned lost goods because I know how much it sux losing one's own stuff; loosing a cellphone and especially a wallet can be VERY frustrating, and sometimes expensive. So it makes me so angry when I see this stuff go on, people really only care for themselves and disregard how their actions can affect someone else. In other words, people see everyone else as means and never as ends, there is no real instrinsic value of a person.
Its funny and amusing to myself that some of the moral, concepts and idea that I have mirror some of the greater thinkers of the past that I once studied, but this kind of thought I've reached in only 21 years, not a lifetime. Like a gift and curse, this kind of thinking causes me pain with a sense of enlightment but it controls my very way of life and how I treat people and what I don't do in life. Some people understand me, other people refuse too, don't care to or don't have tha ability too. I see since Ginger that my way of thinking cannot be shared with all because it causes problem. She would tell me I anaylize too much but I think I anaylize and accept things for what they are.
So basically I'm losing hope in the good of people as a whole, partly because what I witness and partly because I am powerless to change it. I'm changing out of contempt to make other people not my concern. But its hard because I understand other people, one might say I have too much empathy. Maybe I just need more resolve.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Mad at Coach, Mad at Track
Before I go talk to my coach about why I'm angry, let me first write it out.
First of all, I don't want to run this meet, and I don't want to run another 1500. Running all these 1500 is not something that is going to get me ready for conference or to run a fast 800.
Since I got back, I haven't really gotten any real speed training. I know I've gotten injured and thinking why, two things are different. For starters I don't get into the weight room anymore. I can't because Coach starts his work-outs late. I can't get a work-out in getting there at 5:30. I spend about 1 hour to and 1 and half working out.
Then my shoes. Can you guess how long I've been running in these shoes? Since September. So with about 50 plus miles a week, and 4 weeks in a month, I do 200 miles a month. So lets go from September, October, November, part o December, January, February, March. Thats about 1200 plus on these shoes. Do ya think that could have a possible reason for getting injured?
No back to the work-outs. Both Courson and I felt stronger running your work-outs freshmen. I opened up freshmen year with a 1:56. I haven't done that in two years. I PR by 3 seconds freshmen. I felt stronger in 400's. With Chris training, I don't feel I have that same speed and strength. I have trouble running 55 400's and sub 1:25 600's for the 800. With these work-outs, I'm never really going to excel.
And each time we've had a chance for a good hard week, he's decided to take it off. Its like we have an easy week every week.
And lately there has been these complete bullshit work-outs. What is 12 in and outs going to do. Its not even like we're striding fast. I feel like I'm running nothing like I should. I had faster training in the fall. What is 400's in 48 really going to do? Chris doesn't really push us, its like everything is back to medicore and I can't get any better with this.
So yea, I really don't want to race and am thinking about just quitting.
First of all, I don't want to run this meet, and I don't want to run another 1500. Running all these 1500 is not something that is going to get me ready for conference or to run a fast 800.
Since I got back, I haven't really gotten any real speed training. I know I've gotten injured and thinking why, two things are different. For starters I don't get into the weight room anymore. I can't because Coach starts his work-outs late. I can't get a work-out in getting there at 5:30. I spend about 1 hour to and 1 and half working out.
Then my shoes. Can you guess how long I've been running in these shoes? Since September. So with about 50 plus miles a week, and 4 weeks in a month, I do 200 miles a month. So lets go from September, October, November, part o December, January, February, March. Thats about 1200 plus on these shoes. Do ya think that could have a possible reason for getting injured?
No back to the work-outs. Both Courson and I felt stronger running your work-outs freshmen. I opened up freshmen year with a 1:56. I haven't done that in two years. I PR by 3 seconds freshmen. I felt stronger in 400's. With Chris training, I don't feel I have that same speed and strength. I have trouble running 55 400's and sub 1:25 600's for the 800. With these work-outs, I'm never really going to excel.
And each time we've had a chance for a good hard week, he's decided to take it off. Its like we have an easy week every week.
And lately there has been these complete bullshit work-outs. What is 12 in and outs going to do. Its not even like we're striding fast. I feel like I'm running nothing like I should. I had faster training in the fall. What is 400's in 48 really going to do? Chris doesn't really push us, its like everything is back to medicore and I can't get any better with this.
So yea, I really don't want to race and am thinking about just quitting.
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