Track

I can't listen to him anymore.

The training he gives us won't push us to the next level, it won't bring me to IC4A. I can't take it, I'm no longer following his direction or guidance.

Since last year, and I'm not alone on this, I felt coach Chris work-outs was not what we needed to running. He's not training guys to get better but really just to be mediocore. Especially when I was doing the same work-outs in the fall.

So now I have to defy him, the question comes if its going to be outright or subtle.

Sorry, but I can no longer follow his plan, I have my own.

Life without Ginger

Its been a while since me and Ginger have actually spoken. And you know something, it actually feels good.

Things got pretty bad between us no matter how I reacted and both of us ended up on the fritz. But I actually grew stronger from it, mentally and emotionally. I guess thats is what seperates me and her, our rates of growth. I always noted that I was maturing a lot of faster than her, and I should have, me being in college. She just ended up regressing into a shell, blaming mostly me and hating me for it. I became more accepting, empathetic and open to more people and experience with a different perception. I no longer have her views of relationships, that people aren't meant to be together for a long time, that they eventually will go seperate; that marriage is something that will happen I will be hapy, maybe not for her but for me it will be. I can forgive her and not hate her and move on. She will suppress everything and may take years to truly move on from our experiences. And now that I've been through other relationships and getting into other ones, I see how different things are. How people deal with things in a better and how I much easier it is to work with other people; I remember what it was like before the relationship with her, what things really meant. How positive and open a person I could be.

In the end, I realized that I couldn't become a better person with her, I couldn't grow with her or through her. She couldn't help me do it, bring out the best in me and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it with her, and she knew she resisted it every single step. Basically in the end, there was no growth or change for either of us.

But now I feel like its a new day, sun brighter than ever, and I can face it with my head held high and still smile even if she crosses my mind.

I think this sums me up at the end of our relationship:

New Soul

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong

this is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take but since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la....

Rock Music

I never really understood rock music before. To me it seemed to really lack rhythm, beat, and really soul. I guess that is what black music has or something that I find I can agree with when listening to black music, that it seems to have soul or more emotion. Maybe it was that I could relate to it more.

From time to time I did like some rock. I consider Maroon 5 along with some Dave Matthews band. And then came this Japanese song from an anime called Bleach called Alones by Aqua Timez. I looked the opening to the anime enough that I researched and found all this out and listened to the full song. I couldn't fully understand it but it sounded like a song that is suppose to be heart warming, uplifting. The lyrics go like this:

Your fragile Folded Wings
Are you just tired from the pure blue skies
You don't have to force your smiles to anyone
It's okay to smile...for yourself

That lonely feeling keeps creeping up on me
A single candle still burns inside
There shouldn't be an expensive chandelier in a wild place like this
Can I really bury it all with empty words?
I don't even know anymore...

As long as we can swim freely in our dreams
We don't need that sky anymore
Even if you can't let go of the past
I'll still be there to meet you tomorrow

Your fragile Folded Wings
Are you just tired from the pure blue skies
You don't have to force your smiles to anyone
It's okay to smile...for yourself

It sounded go, the Japanese lyrics were right(yes I can understand some Japanese), so I liked it. Then I heard the instrumental version of the song and it was like knock me off my feet good. Without lyrics the song actually convery more emotion and seemed to had more depth too it. I actually started doing the crazy white boy bobbing head thing. So i don't know what was it about this rock song but it just made me feel differently about rock. This doesn't mean I'm going to just start listening to rock though.

Toya

Toya really does put up a lot with me, and I'm not sure I deserve her.

She calls and I never call back because I'm really busy and get really tired. But she does. I don't know how she felt about this weekend because I really did want to come and I was going too until I get injured and just got depressed. I can't get injured now, its too close to conference(something Coach Thomas would say, lol).

So I really want to do something nice for Toya for putting up with all my bs, she really is a great girl. At this point, I would definitley date her and make time for her if she was down here. But I just can't do the distance thing right now, not at this point of my life. I just want a relationship where someone is actually there.

And I'm just waiting for her to be mad at me like "why didn't you call me back" or something like that but she never does. And if she did, I would completely agree and say, "your right, you every right to be mad at me".

So yea, at duke, I'll do somthing nice for her.

Mind Change

I changed my mind, there is no good in here. Time to do it anyway. You can't just treat everyone however you feel and expect to get away from it.

I realize the difference between me and her.

Its not about doing the right thing.

Letting the other person loose pyschology, forgiving them as they forgave you.

Its not about responsiblity, being responsbile for each of our own actions towards each other.

Its not about growing or trying to become a better person.

Its only about how much angrier she can push me before I reach my limit and give in. Its about pinning the blame on me and walking away. Why can't it be with every other X where we can discuss how each of feels and why, and then just move on. I can't suppress my feelings, I say what I feel and get it over with. What does all this have to always be so complicated?

Satifised

She has now closed herself in a lil barrier from me, who is about to tell everything that happened between us. It has become a learned helplessness. Your past does come back to haunt you if you don't end things the right way. But really, I've beat her in every way possible to make her change.

I had felt satifished when we had reached sorta an agreement not to dislike or hate each other, and she took some responsiblity for her actions, which I have been doing with mine for a while. But I just had this feeling that this was too easy, and I looked and found out she lied. And like I said before, lying to someone really bothers me. After that she pretty much knew the consequence.

Thats the thing about lying, it can always come back to you. Being honest maybe a little harder, but the consequences are definitely less severe, if any.If she was honest, I would be gone, this wouldn't be happening now.

So I tried to give her an easy way out. I wanted her to understand what being moral and ethical really means. Why shouldn't you cheat on someone, why shouldn't you lie to people. Of course this would involve actually understanding the other person's arguement. So all she had to do was prove she understood by talking about why. Despite what she has done to me, I wanted her to show she has the capacity to grow into a good, well developed person. If she could do that, then I would let everything slide because in the future she would be able to treat someone else the right way.

Of course she would say no because she doesn't. Morals and ethics are ideas that aren't in her life. Its more of, I treat people however I feel and thats the end, no reason to feel bad. She and I are completely different in morals. I have deep understanding of people and how they feel, and I consider that in whatever I do, which a lot of the times involves putting myself last. Therefore my morals and ethics try to be the best towards all people, because I generally do see the good in them and that they are worth it.

Now she has driven herself into a hole, blocking anything on AIM, facebook, closing her blog off. I feel what I do is wrong and right. Right because we had an agreement and she lied, wrong because no one should feel they have to do this to themselves. But hey, she made her choice. So really, I completely won then, but lost at the time same time. I lost in the fact that, she was someone who I couldn't get to understand anything she didn't want to.

But from a different point of view of hers, I have to understand that everything I've read has come true, exactly as foretold. But throughout her whole life she has had nothing but problems, and she has learned to deal with them by blocking them out. Its not her fault for how her mom screams/yells/complains and all her problems, or her brother being austic, or her dad being an austic alcholic who can't support her. She didn't quite have a normal childhood and thus that makes her who she is today. Like my blog says, The Reason Why Who I Am and What I Am. Her influences growing up and even now were way different from the normal person, and make her who she is today. So I can't blame all her behaviour on her but at the same time, no one is stopping her from changing, no one is stopping her from growing. At some point in everyone's life, fate becomes something they create, in other words they choose who they want to be. So I have to show compassion towards her but at the same time can't let her have the scapegoat.

For me at this point, its like holding a gun to someones head. Someone who has caused you great pain, maybe killed your family, caused you a life of suffering, so you would have every right to pull that trigger. The question is, do you?

From my point of view, I have to be better than that person. I have to see why they did it and look into how I feel about it. The answer is not so simple. But I couldn't pull that trigger and be like them no. I would leave them living knowing what they did. Why? Because my character, morals and beliefs wouldn't allow me to, no matter how wrong they are. In a realize that that person has feeling, emotions, a family, loved one just like I do. I see them not as an enemy but people also, I have to much empathy.

So I have the blog complete with every single bit of evidence that I need. But I'm not going to pull the trigger. Every step of the way, I knew I was better than her, I knew I was right, but she knew she was avoiding it the whole time. But at the same time I understand her point of view of where she is coming from and why she acts the way she does, even if she knows she is wrong. Really she is not a strong enough person to compete with me. So no matter how wrong she is, I atleast have to be right on my part.

I can't pull the trigger because thats not who I am. I'm stronger than that, I'm better than that.

I am part of her just as she is part of me.

Inside people believe they are seperate from everyone and everything.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Everyone person is part of everyone and apart of everything.