I don't mind if someone hates me, dislikes or treats me mean, it really won't face me. But from anyone, I don't like being lied to. Its the upmost form of disrespect. Really your trusting the person and hoping they are being honest. Its like hoping they have good characters and morals, but when they lie, that really does say something bad about them. Stick to the truth, its harder to go wrong. Atleast you won't get yourself into anymore trouble than you already are.
And she doesn't get it. I was so close to walking away from all animoisty. I honestly didn't care if she blocked me out or not, if she wanted me out of her life or not, everything was straight. But then when you find out you've been lied too...again. I'm sure she can justify it in 1000 ways to make her flawed arguements sound good but....
She just added something else to the list of things I'm going to tell. How she is moralless and lies. And now I have all the proof saved.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
First I want to start about Ginger. Whether or not we become friends or totally distant, I feel better about the situation now. Honestly I don't know how sincere she is in what she said. I really think a large part of it could have been just to cover her ass. But atleast she accepted some resonpsiblity and everything that was needed to be said, was said. I feel better about it now and I really think it should have been done a long time ago. Whatever path is chosen next, we can each go that way without looking back and feeling animosity...I hope. I've forgiven her and let my animosity go, I wonder if she has forgiven me.
But passive aggressivenss is truly something amazing. It completely distorts a person view of reality to make it seem like what they want. She's forgotten so much its amazing, its like we never had a relationship. You can't say, "I Love You" and then turn around and say, "I want you gone". Which of course follows the passive aggressive trait of fear of being to close to somebody, fear of dependency or intimacy. Forgetting also abdicates her from any blame or wrong doing. I wonder if she ever read that article. Passive aggressive people don't like to read about themselves. Let me post the article for my reference: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm. But I think she is getting better at her passive aggressivenss and dealing with it. Last night, for the first time, she admitted that maybe her views on things were distorted by it. If she is not just letting me win and truly means it, I'm proud of her because thats a big step, getting out of the denail.
But then she turns around and in her blog writes only what supports her arguement, thus supporting her distorted view once again. She states that i was going to tell lies about her? Not lies, the truth and I wasn't going to includ Justin, I never did mention his name. Of course this is said to make her seem right and me seem wrong right off the bat. And her friends read it and get only her view, further supporting what she wants to believe rather than the truth. To that extent, there is nothing I can do because she is choosing to see only what she wants, and thats the sadest part. Everything I say isn't right, but that doesn't mean she has to disagree with me on everything just because she can...which is a passive aggressive trait. But I hope she does work on that. I also realized she doesn't want the truth, she says it many different times in different ways.
Like" i need to stop talking about this. stop trying to clear things up, stop trying to see things straighter. just give it up. let it be over." She still doesn't understand why not coming to my grandfathers funeral was the wrong thing. She talks about it in her blog, which she changed. http://mowwwwwww.blogspot.com/. But alas, I no longer have a grudge. She is trapped within her on twisted view of things and runs from any sign of truth. Worst of all, she knows I know the truth when she says, "you know too much about me". Funny, thats what I said along, you don't like me because I know what your going to do, I know you too well to know when your lying, especially to yourself.
I'm just glad this vicious cycle between me and her can finally end in a good way.
But still, this qoute very much describes it:
"People live their lives, bound by what is correct and true. Thats how they define reality.
But what does it mean to be "Correct" or "True"? Merely vague concepts, their reality maybe a mirage.
Can we consider them living in their own world shaped by their own beliefs?"
And with is passive aggressive person its, "The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone."
Life is funnt when everything rings true.
On to Toya. So me and Toya sorta had a talk about what each of us wants and other people. Apparently I don't think she is bothered by me getting with other people, and I'm not bothered by her, since she talks about the other guys who like her. So that is good that we can maintain our current relationship with any problems. We do get along really well, I just don't want to do the distance with her. Maybe if she was here, it would be different.
Now me and Anya have to talk. Are we going to go back out, or stay broken up. I'm not sure if I like her, but I do know I enjoy being with her. So we will see where this ends came, can she make time for a boyfriend.
But passive aggressivenss is truly something amazing. It completely distorts a person view of reality to make it seem like what they want. She's forgotten so much its amazing, its like we never had a relationship. You can't say, "I Love You" and then turn around and say, "I want you gone". Which of course follows the passive aggressive trait of fear of being to close to somebody, fear of dependency or intimacy. Forgetting also abdicates her from any blame or wrong doing. I wonder if she ever read that article. Passive aggressive people don't like to read about themselves. Let me post the article for my reference: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm. But I think she is getting better at her passive aggressivenss and dealing with it. Last night, for the first time, she admitted that maybe her views on things were distorted by it. If she is not just letting me win and truly means it, I'm proud of her because thats a big step, getting out of the denail.
But then she turns around and in her blog writes only what supports her arguement, thus supporting her distorted view once again. She states that i was going to tell lies about her? Not lies, the truth and I wasn't going to includ Justin, I never did mention his name. Of course this is said to make her seem right and me seem wrong right off the bat. And her friends read it and get only her view, further supporting what she wants to believe rather than the truth. To that extent, there is nothing I can do because she is choosing to see only what she wants, and thats the sadest part. Everything I say isn't right, but that doesn't mean she has to disagree with me on everything just because she can...which is a passive aggressive trait. But I hope she does work on that. I also realized she doesn't want the truth, she says it many different times in different ways.
Like" i need to stop talking about this. stop trying to clear things up, stop trying to see things straighter. just give it up. let it be over." She still doesn't understand why not coming to my grandfathers funeral was the wrong thing. She talks about it in her blog, which she changed. http://mowwwwwww.blogspot.com/. But alas, I no longer have a grudge. She is trapped within her on twisted view of things and runs from any sign of truth. Worst of all, she knows I know the truth when she says, "you know too much about me". Funny, thats what I said along, you don't like me because I know what your going to do, I know you too well to know when your lying, especially to yourself.
I'm just glad this vicious cycle between me and her can finally end in a good way.
But still, this qoute very much describes it:
"People live their lives, bound by what is correct and true. Thats how they define reality.
But what does it mean to be "Correct" or "True"? Merely vague concepts, their reality maybe a mirage.
Can we consider them living in their own world shaped by their own beliefs?"
And with is passive aggressive person its, "The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone."
Life is funnt when everything rings true.
On to Toya. So me and Toya sorta had a talk about what each of us wants and other people. Apparently I don't think she is bothered by me getting with other people, and I'm not bothered by her, since she talks about the other guys who like her. So that is good that we can maintain our current relationship with any problems. We do get along really well, I just don't want to do the distance with her. Maybe if she was here, it would be different.
Now me and Anya have to talk. Are we going to go back out, or stay broken up. I'm not sure if I like her, but I do know I enjoy being with her. So we will see where this ends came, can she make time for a boyfriend.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The start of an relationship
So last night we had a talk, about what each of us wanted.
She brought up about how she is the type of person to take things slow, a typical girl thing so I didn't really bother me. I asked her would she have time for me, since she is always busy. She replied that she would try to make time for me. So then we decided to go out, meaning I have a girlfriend.
Now after she got out the car, I started to ask myself, literally, "wtf did I do". Its hard to imagine me with that title actually. For the past relationships, there was no tag, so I was free bound only by morals. Now I can't do anything, I'm in jail. Not really, but it means thing are going to be different for me now.
As for her, I'm not sure. Today there was this kid at the track me that likes her and she told me about him. She doesn't want to tell him that we are dating since she already turned him down. So he spent the day with him and said we would hang out 2night. Now 2night turns into tomorrow.
I am sorta mad but I have to understand that tends to get tired early. But I think I'm beginning to see where this relationship is going already...
She brought up about how she is the type of person to take things slow, a typical girl thing so I didn't really bother me. I asked her would she have time for me, since she is always busy. She replied that she would try to make time for me. So then we decided to go out, meaning I have a girlfriend.
Now after she got out the car, I started to ask myself, literally, "wtf did I do". Its hard to imagine me with that title actually. For the past relationships, there was no tag, so I was free bound only by morals. Now I can't do anything, I'm in jail. Not really, but it means thing are going to be different for me now.
As for her, I'm not sure. Today there was this kid at the track me that likes her and she told me about him. She doesn't want to tell him that we are dating since she already turned him down. So he spent the day with him and said we would hang out 2night. Now 2night turns into tomorrow.
I am sorta mad but I have to understand that tends to get tired early. But I think I'm beginning to see where this relationship is going already...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Two
What have I gotten myself into.
I can't do this two girl thing, one of them has to go. And I can't let my past experiences with Ginger cloud the way I think of believing every girl is cold hearted and I shouldn't care how I treat them. They haven't done anything wrong.
And things bring me back to the idea of how people effect each other. I tend to fall between that I shouldn't care about women and their feelings because someday they will hurt me and won't care. Like Ginger who didn't really have moral or guidelines on how to treat people and understanding them. And when I try to make things right in the end, she still can't do the right thing. So I feel like thats everyone women and why should I care?
On the flip side I know they did nothing to deserve it, and being cruel to them would be out of place/character for me. On top of that I strive to better than people who affect me negatively like Ginger. Upholding my morals and ethics is something I try to do, even if I won't get what I want in the end.
But when the time comes, I'll make a choice and try my best to do right by both parties, not just myself.
I can't do this two girl thing, one of them has to go. And I can't let my past experiences with Ginger cloud the way I think of believing every girl is cold hearted and I shouldn't care how I treat them. They haven't done anything wrong.
And things bring me back to the idea of how people effect each other. I tend to fall between that I shouldn't care about women and their feelings because someday they will hurt me and won't care. Like Ginger who didn't really have moral or guidelines on how to treat people and understanding them. And when I try to make things right in the end, she still can't do the right thing. So I feel like thats everyone women and why should I care?
On the flip side I know they did nothing to deserve it, and being cruel to them would be out of place/character for me. On top of that I strive to better than people who affect me negatively like Ginger. Upholding my morals and ethics is something I try to do, even if I won't get what I want in the end.
But when the time comes, I'll make a choice and try my best to do right by both parties, not just myself.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Mental Preparation
I never felt this confident before, before a race.
My mind is completely calm, no anxiety what so ever. No fear of pain, of throwing up, of being short on breath. Instead there is a deep of confidence. Confidence that I'm going to win my heat, that I'm going to break the school record, that I'm going to surpirse everyone.
Its also like a hieghted sense of things. Like I easily tell how my injuries are going to hold up, how my breathing is, the tranquility of my mind, the strength of the muscles in my leg.
Throughout the week I've been invisioning running a 1:53. My 200's breaking down into something like 26, 27, 28, 29. I feel that I have the strength to pull that off.
Now all I need is execution. Execution of getting out fast enough, then holding it until the 400. Then for the 600 I break for a 1:23 and then come through in a 29. Thats my plan of execution.
Now its time to make it happen.
My mind is completely calm, no anxiety what so ever. No fear of pain, of throwing up, of being short on breath. Instead there is a deep of confidence. Confidence that I'm going to win my heat, that I'm going to break the school record, that I'm going to surpirse everyone.
Its also like a hieghted sense of things. Like I easily tell how my injuries are going to hold up, how my breathing is, the tranquility of my mind, the strength of the muscles in my leg.
Throughout the week I've been invisioning running a 1:53. My 200's breaking down into something like 26, 27, 28, 29. I feel that I have the strength to pull that off.
Now all I need is execution. Execution of getting out fast enough, then holding it until the 400. Then for the 600 I break for a 1:23 and then come through in a 29. Thats my plan of execution.
Now its time to make it happen.
Closure
So I've finally made closure regarding her.
My closure exist upon the fact the end, regardless os what a person has done to me, I can still do the right thing towards them.
So I decided to apologize for anything that I did wrong and tell her that I don't hate her or even dislike her. We go our seperate ways but I don't want all these negative feelings surroudnings us and what happeneed.
She then responds saying she hates me for being condescending towards her and that I never listen to her. Great reasons for hating someone but I'm condescending when she gets out of her place cocky like she knows it all. And I never listen to her? I always listen to her and undertand what she is saying.
Now that I look back, it was really her from the start. For one she is completely out of touch with her feelings. That is why she use to cut herself when she was younger. Her mom said she holds feelings in, her dad is passive aggressive her austic, i'm not sure what the story is with her mom, she had no friends has a childhood, is classified as a manic depressed, exhbits a ton of passive aggressive traits. My brother said I should have seen the writing on the wall a LONG time ago. I guess he was right.
About any feelings, she is in denail about them. Like she say she will have no feelings but the send me a card saying how much she loves me. She will hang out with me before way more than she does with her normal friends and tell her deepest secrets. On the flip side,at the end she couldn't even bare to talk to me and then months later comes out that she hates me. Basically she can't admit to a feeling, or doesn't want to feel it so she feels nothing as she stated in her last message "i hated you in the beginning and then it was just like...forget it. how can i hate him. i just dont care about him."
Instead of admitting to an emotion, it becomes indifference. A lot of her past shows she can't handle emotions, something is deeply wrong with her.
So in our last conversation ever, she was pinpointed on some of the things she did and behaviours and as usual side step all of them. She immature, very naive, and lacks a lot of experience.
So my closure exist in the fact that I could be a better person than her, the bigger person. Satification in how she is in denail everything and accepts only the truth she wants to here. And glad that she really is gone for good this time because I cut all ways back to me. I actualy made her do it, playing on her character even though she has yet to realize it.
There is also another truth she will never realize, in how bad she was tricked in the past. How I will not say and I will never have too because she will never ask. I know here all to well.
So now that all my thoughts are out of me, I feel better, and even better that I will be more succusful and have a happier and more promising life than her. In the end, she will always be nobody. I have to stop comparing myself to her because she is way beneath me to be doing that. There is nothing to look up to her about. I don't follow the weak, they follow me.
My closure exist upon the fact the end, regardless os what a person has done to me, I can still do the right thing towards them.
So I decided to apologize for anything that I did wrong and tell her that I don't hate her or even dislike her. We go our seperate ways but I don't want all these negative feelings surroudnings us and what happeneed.
She then responds saying she hates me for being condescending towards her and that I never listen to her. Great reasons for hating someone but I'm condescending when she gets out of her place cocky like she knows it all. And I never listen to her? I always listen to her and undertand what she is saying.
Now that I look back, it was really her from the start. For one she is completely out of touch with her feelings. That is why she use to cut herself when she was younger. Her mom said she holds feelings in, her dad is passive aggressive her austic, i'm not sure what the story is with her mom, she had no friends has a childhood, is classified as a manic depressed, exhbits a ton of passive aggressive traits. My brother said I should have seen the writing on the wall a LONG time ago. I guess he was right.
About any feelings, she is in denail about them. Like she say she will have no feelings but the send me a card saying how much she loves me. She will hang out with me before way more than she does with her normal friends and tell her deepest secrets. On the flip side,at the end she couldn't even bare to talk to me and then months later comes out that she hates me. Basically she can't admit to a feeling, or doesn't want to feel it so she feels nothing as she stated in her last message "i hated you in the beginning and then it was just like...forget it. how can i hate him. i just dont care about him."
Instead of admitting to an emotion, it becomes indifference. A lot of her past shows she can't handle emotions, something is deeply wrong with her.
So in our last conversation ever, she was pinpointed on some of the things she did and behaviours and as usual side step all of them. She immature, very naive, and lacks a lot of experience.
So my closure exist in the fact that I could be a better person than her, the bigger person. Satification in how she is in denail everything and accepts only the truth she wants to here. And glad that she really is gone for good this time because I cut all ways back to me. I actualy made her do it, playing on her character even though she has yet to realize it.
There is also another truth she will never realize, in how bad she was tricked in the past. How I will not say and I will never have too because she will never ask. I know here all to well.
So now that all my thoughts are out of me, I feel better, and even better that I will be more succusful and have a happier and more promising life than her. In the end, she will always be nobody. I have to stop comparing myself to her because she is way beneath me to be doing that. There is nothing to look up to her about. I don't follow the weak, they follow me.
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