Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Excuses
Excuses are the tools of the weak and incompetent; which builds monuments of nothingness, and those who specialize in their uses....are SELDOM capable of anything else!
At this point...after all that has happened...I've decided I really don't care for anybody, its not worth it.
If people simple cross me now, I'm done with them simple as that, no more being nice. They want to be stubborn, assholes, pricks, bitches, jerks, double crossers, backstabber, and a list of many other name I could come with. But any one of those and in my book, they are done. No more second chances, no quarters, no mercy for anyone.
Anytime a little lenience is shown, is becomes viewed as weakness in the eyes of other people. So I'm not doing that anymore. I really don't mind being an asshole. People are too me all the time so its only fitting. In this world, in reality, there are no second chances, no one to hold your hand, to one to comfort you.
And I'm not gonna lie, when it comes to girl, I really don't give a fly fuck anymore. I use to believe in love, that I could love someone and they could love me back, but that didn't turn out to well. So now all I'm after is so pussy, forget a relationship, they are useless anyway. Women are nothing more than cunning foxes, devil in dress. Besides pussy they really aren't worth time or effort.
I'm bitter, I know, but I am what I am. I have no reason not to be. When I really think about, I was alone starting with, had friends was alone again, had more friends, I guess good ones until they...well where are they now? I think of it almost like this. Your born alone and die alone. So other people, whats the point of even trying? Social acceptance no longer drives me. I no longer need other people to establish my identity. Basically they there just to survive, but what about the point where I no longer need anyone to survive? Then what?
Thats when it will all come down too.
If people simple cross me now, I'm done with them simple as that, no more being nice. They want to be stubborn, assholes, pricks, bitches, jerks, double crossers, backstabber, and a list of many other name I could come with. But any one of those and in my book, they are done. No more second chances, no quarters, no mercy for anyone.
Anytime a little lenience is shown, is becomes viewed as weakness in the eyes of other people. So I'm not doing that anymore. I really don't mind being an asshole. People are too me all the time so its only fitting. In this world, in reality, there are no second chances, no one to hold your hand, to one to comfort you.
And I'm not gonna lie, when it comes to girl, I really don't give a fly fuck anymore. I use to believe in love, that I could love someone and they could love me back, but that didn't turn out to well. So now all I'm after is so pussy, forget a relationship, they are useless anyway. Women are nothing more than cunning foxes, devil in dress. Besides pussy they really aren't worth time or effort.
I'm bitter, I know, but I am what I am. I have no reason not to be. When I really think about, I was alone starting with, had friends was alone again, had more friends, I guess good ones until they...well where are they now? I think of it almost like this. Your born alone and die alone. So other people, whats the point of even trying? Social acceptance no longer drives me. I no longer need other people to establish my identity. Basically they there just to survive, but what about the point where I no longer need anyone to survive? Then what?
Thats when it will all come down too.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Impassiveness
I can still feel it slowly just becoming me, and I'm more and more accepting too.
At work, and a few other times, I was thinking to myself that I missed that feeling of only caring for myself. It was easier having no one else has my responsbility. I had nothing holding me back, I could walk right over people with out a care, justification wasn't even needed. Everything was Darwinism, survival of the fittest.
I think I was happier alone. I was also stronger, maybe even smarter. Probably not smarter because I learn through other people. But I might have been stronger and happier alone, and I don't know why. Should I go back to that?
Anyway, the thought was just crossing my mind today, and I began wondering do I really want to care for anyone else? What should I be like?
Right now there is no one else I feel that I can honestly talk to about this. Another question with no obvious answer. Sounds like a challenge.
At work, and a few other times, I was thinking to myself that I missed that feeling of only caring for myself. It was easier having no one else has my responsbility. I had nothing holding me back, I could walk right over people with out a care, justification wasn't even needed. Everything was Darwinism, survival of the fittest.
I think I was happier alone. I was also stronger, maybe even smarter. Probably not smarter because I learn through other people. But I might have been stronger and happier alone, and I don't know why. Should I go back to that?
Anyway, the thought was just crossing my mind today, and I began wondering do I really want to care for anyone else? What should I be like?
Right now there is no one else I feel that I can honestly talk to about this. Another question with no obvious answer. Sounds like a challenge.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
The Matrix
When watching the Matrix, I finally realize the underlying message that had been given throughout the three series...what does one exist for? Most of my observation is based off of the sequel, Matrix Revolution.
Well the first major theme of the Matrix, that people who sit down and watch the movie for a little more than high quality action scenes, is the allusion to the bible. One of the main characters names is Trinity. Trinity consist of the father, son and holy ghost. One could say in the matrix it was composed of morpheous, neo and trinity. And Neo and Trinity being together, neo meaning new, is the new trinity. The place where all the humans live is named Zion. Zion in the bible was originally a place where a fotress stood in Jerusalem, then become to refer to Jerusalem as a whole, and today stands for a promised land for God's Chosen people. Zion in the movie is a safe place for humans that comes under attack. And at the end of Matrix Revolution, Neo dies similiar to the position Jesus died on the cross, giving his life for everyone. I could go on all day about refereneces to the bible the movie makes but I like to focus less on the bible and more on the human thought as a whole.
Throughout the series as a whole, the movie has a reoccuring theme on what it means to actually exist. From the very start, before Neo decide to take the pill, Morpheous(name who means change) ask Neo something that went like "is everything we see, do and feel just an allusion, generated by electricity sparks in our brain? Or is there something more, do we have a soul?". Not an exact quote but similiar guide lines. But that example is from the first movie. Now in the sequel Neo is asked question like, what is love? How can a program feel love for somebody? And the program responds" is love just not a word? Isn't it the connection that love implies? If that true, then that can explain why anything can love. Why a human can feel love for an animal who we can't even speak. Or why people can love something like food. What is love? Can love exist without emotion? Love may be able to exist with just the ability to think.
In fact, the Matrix as a whole respresents reality in its most liberal and free form. Everything one sees, touch, taste, smells, feels; its a matter of perception. The building is high because one percieves it as high. The only difference in the Matrix is the laws of physics can be broken and bent, reformed by the mind if ones beleives they can. To an extent, that is like reality too.
People, at times, are capable of feats that only their mind percieves as doable.
But the most philopshical part of the movie was at the end. Smith, who know controls everybody, says as he was fighitng Neo " Why Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe your fighting for something more than just your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom, or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Allusions Mr. Anderson, favory of perception. Temporary constructs of a feable human intellect trying desperatly to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose, and all of them artifical as the Matrix itself. Although only the human mind can invent something insipid as love...Why Mr. Anderson do you pursist?"
And he simply reponds" Because I choose too."
These questions can be easily overlooked but when closely examine, they can be applied to everyone person. Why does anyone keeping fighting in life? Is what we fight for just allusions to justify a reason to exist? Neo reason is because he choose to. but everyone could have a different reason for why the exist. Some for family, some for love, some for hate or revenge. This is why matrix was a good movie. It rose questions that may had no real answers but answer than can differ from person to person and change over time. It did it in such as way that many people would never have taken time to think about the questiosn because they are to focused on the action, may be unable to think like that, or just don't care. The question and possible answer wasn't blatany put out there like regular deep movies, but was suttle and had to be caught. This is wat made this movie great. Complex ideas put in a simple way.
Have you thought about these questions to yourself and your own life?
Well the first major theme of the Matrix, that people who sit down and watch the movie for a little more than high quality action scenes, is the allusion to the bible. One of the main characters names is Trinity. Trinity consist of the father, son and holy ghost. One could say in the matrix it was composed of morpheous, neo and trinity. And Neo and Trinity being together, neo meaning new, is the new trinity. The place where all the humans live is named Zion. Zion in the bible was originally a place where a fotress stood in Jerusalem, then become to refer to Jerusalem as a whole, and today stands for a promised land for God's Chosen people. Zion in the movie is a safe place for humans that comes under attack. And at the end of Matrix Revolution, Neo dies similiar to the position Jesus died on the cross, giving his life for everyone. I could go on all day about refereneces to the bible the movie makes but I like to focus less on the bible and more on the human thought as a whole.
Throughout the series as a whole, the movie has a reoccuring theme on what it means to actually exist. From the very start, before Neo decide to take the pill, Morpheous(name who means change) ask Neo something that went like "is everything we see, do and feel just an allusion, generated by electricity sparks in our brain? Or is there something more, do we have a soul?". Not an exact quote but similiar guide lines. But that example is from the first movie. Now in the sequel Neo is asked question like, what is love? How can a program feel love for somebody? And the program responds" is love just not a word? Isn't it the connection that love implies? If that true, then that can explain why anything can love. Why a human can feel love for an animal who we can't even speak. Or why people can love something like food. What is love? Can love exist without emotion? Love may be able to exist with just the ability to think.
In fact, the Matrix as a whole respresents reality in its most liberal and free form. Everything one sees, touch, taste, smells, feels; its a matter of perception. The building is high because one percieves it as high. The only difference in the Matrix is the laws of physics can be broken and bent, reformed by the mind if ones beleives they can. To an extent, that is like reality too.
People, at times, are capable of feats that only their mind percieves as doable.
But the most philopshical part of the movie was at the end. Smith, who know controls everybody, says as he was fighitng Neo " Why Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe your fighting for something more than just your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom, or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Allusions Mr. Anderson, favory of perception. Temporary constructs of a feable human intellect trying desperatly to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose, and all of them artifical as the Matrix itself. Although only the human mind can invent something insipid as love...Why Mr. Anderson do you pursist?"
And he simply reponds" Because I choose too."
These questions can be easily overlooked but when closely examine, they can be applied to everyone person. Why does anyone keeping fighting in life? Is what we fight for just allusions to justify a reason to exist? Neo reason is because he choose to. but everyone could have a different reason for why the exist. Some for family, some for love, some for hate or revenge. This is why matrix was a good movie. It rose questions that may had no real answers but answer than can differ from person to person and change over time. It did it in such as way that many people would never have taken time to think about the questiosn because they are to focused on the action, may be unable to think like that, or just don't care. The question and possible answer wasn't blatany put out there like regular deep movies, but was suttle and had to be caught. This is wat made this movie great. Complex ideas put in a simple way.
Have you thought about these questions to yourself and your own life?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Thoughts of Existence, not for the feable minded.
Thoughts of the existence of the self. Of those of you who don't know yourself well enough, immature, not good wtih abstract or deep thought, this is blog is not for you. For now, this is the loosely tied ideas of what reality is that I am thinking of based upon actual ideas from thinkers such as Freud.
The current Self is the same way, its not my true Self.
I can be any way I wish to be.
I can exist without everything I have now or everything I am now. I can exist without track.
It's your mind which takes reality and seperates it into what's bad and hateful.
It is only the mind which seperates reality from truth.
The view of reality changes your perception of its nature.
it is all, literally, a matter of perspective.
There are as many truths as there are people, but there's only one truth that is your truth.
That's the one formed by whatever narrow point of view you choose to view it from. Its a perception that protects you from the twised truth.
One can have a perspective that is far too small, but a person can only see things from the perspective they choose.
One must learn to judge things all things via the percieved truth that one recieves from others.
For example, sunny days make you happy, rainy days make you gloomy. You are told this and believe so. But you can have fun on rainy days too.
Your truth can be changed simply by the way you accept it. Thats how fragile the truth is for a human.
A person truth is so simple that most ignore it in search for deeper truths.
But I know my truth, and am still learning it. This is just the beginning.
The current Self is the same way, its not my true Self.
I can be any way I wish to be.
I can exist without everything I have now or everything I am now. I can exist without track.
It's your mind which takes reality and seperates it into what's bad and hateful.
It is only the mind which seperates reality from truth.
The view of reality changes your perception of its nature.
it is all, literally, a matter of perspective.
There are as many truths as there are people, but there's only one truth that is your truth.
That's the one formed by whatever narrow point of view you choose to view it from. Its a perception that protects you from the twised truth.
One can have a perspective that is far too small, but a person can only see things from the perspective they choose.
One must learn to judge things all things via the percieved truth that one recieves from others.
For example, sunny days make you happy, rainy days make you gloomy. You are told this and believe so. But you can have fun on rainy days too.
Your truth can be changed simply by the way you accept it. Thats how fragile the truth is for a human.
A person truth is so simple that most ignore it in search for deeper truths.
But I know my truth, and am still learning it. This is just the beginning.
Last Blog On her
This is the last blog I ever write about her.
We will never talk again.
She's not strong enough to deal with me.
She not strong enough to deal with reality.
She's running again. Everytime something gets to difficult for her, she quits. She quit the film festival last year, she quit studying french, she quits when it comes to school, now she quits when it comes too me. I can keep someone around me who is weak and quits when things get hard. She does have a low self esteem, and I would try to support her and push her to the next level of growing, but she always crumbled.
And I can tell she hasn't thought her decision out carefully, fully, and by herself. Why? Thats just it, there is no why. I can tell when her thoughts aren't exactly her own. If I got mad at her for something, she may feel sorta bad. But then she would tell just her side to someone and come back a day later with a completely different view. And she could never explain why, and then got frustrated when I asked her. Of course this wasn't always true, sometimes when she was wrong, she did admit it after a long while.
But for her decision this time, she has no real reason why. Its just based on because I feel like it, because I don't want to take a responsbility. She wants another relationship, but with that attitude, her immatuiry, her obstinanctes, it will never last. And I know its not me, when me and Rohan had a talk a while back,we came up with the same conclusions about her. And when it comes to intimacy, she can't handle it. She's not mature enough or responsible enough. Asking the real question why maybe to much for her to handle. Or maybe she knows that if she answered why did all this actually happen rather than the empty cliche artist answer "it was meant to be", she might find herself at fault. A defense mechanism. I use to think she was a thinker, I don't know anymore.
I
Her lack of maturity and irresponsiblity comes from her lack of experience. Even when I was in high school, I already had a lot more experience than her. Witnessing and almost seeing death in the eye, the parties I had been to, people I've talked to, hardships I've had, places i've been, had surpassed her. Now we can't even talk on anything, and that is wat probably saddens me most of all, and my maturity has caused the loss of my best friend. Growth is being put a strange, hard, uncomfortable experience and overcoming it. She avoids these and therefore doesn't grow. Whenever I ask her how have you matured, she just answers I haven't, I've been the same way since whatever grade.
I can't talk to her about money, wealth, power, politics, right and wrong. Deep conversations that have no answer she can't deal with. That maybe why she has such a problem with math. She has to work on her abstract thinkings. When I tried to get her to do this, she would run from the conversation. But is hard for her to grow. She's been spoon feed all her life living in edgemont. She and everyone there are not in the real world.
So we will never talk again. Because of her perception of reality, who she is around, lack of experience, maturity which will never allow her too see my side. She can say she does until she is blue in the face, but if she did, she wouldn't do what she does. Its easier not care. She once told me she rather take the easier road out. I should have known then nothing could last with her.I have no reason left to talk to her. I have given my all and thats the end of it. She has given little. And knowing her, she blocks things out. And if she ever does talk to me again, which will be months or years, I will not even care to know who she is by then.
She left with a bad taste in the mouth. Down the road, it will all come back to get her. Saying it was meant to happen is taking the easy way out of things as usual. She has no control over her own fate and that is that.
I have never argued with anyone else so much before. In any of my other relationships, we never argued. No one has been so arguementive as her, or so hard to deal with. I dont think she realizes the importance of life, or what is truly important life. I guess its hard too for a person who has never really lost anything of great significant in life, like a person who was close to you dies or you almost die youself. I can't remember any fights with Britanny, Devin, Alex, or Lakeya. I had a view with Jasmine but she was nothing like Ginger who would never try to make up but just become more obstinate. And she had her own lil issues, drinking by herself n such. But the other thing is me and Jasmine were eventually able to get back on ok terms. It is maturity that comes into play. The other relationships I've had, going out or not, everything worked out fine. A lot fo people in other relationships still work together today. I use to think we honestly could, if she just get over herself for once, stop acting like she has a right to be angry. Its really childish to get mad at someone simply because they are mad at you.
When I tried to say lets talk about whats happening to us to avoid this, she as usual avoided that conversation. She can't take being blamed, yelled at, or being responsible for her actions. She doesn't have to yet, she nots in the real world. She runs from real issues. But I no longer care for her. She use to be my best friend and now she is nothing at all. Maybe is she was less obstinate about everything, and worth the while(I have thought to myself, what is she really worth to me), I would consider her as a friend. But she reallly doesn't deserve me as a friend. I know byt he time she contacts me, I will no longer even remember her or want to, but I'm sure she wants it that way.
She obviously doesn't care for me at all anymore. Never once did she ask how was I doing, how was I eating, sleeping? Did it bother me at all? No, its always about her. When someone who I told about our situation told me she has weird away messages up like "please bleed", I did become concerned and contacted her over that. Well if she can't care bout me, then I don't about her. And I believed her when she said she would always be there for me. Yup, mom was right, women lie. And make a ton of empty excuses too.
That is the end of us.
I don't care enough for goodbye.
We will never talk again.
She's not strong enough to deal with me.
She not strong enough to deal with reality.
She's running again. Everytime something gets to difficult for her, she quits. She quit the film festival last year, she quit studying french, she quits when it comes to school, now she quits when it comes too me. I can keep someone around me who is weak and quits when things get hard. She does have a low self esteem, and I would try to support her and push her to the next level of growing, but she always crumbled.
And I can tell she hasn't thought her decision out carefully, fully, and by herself. Why? Thats just it, there is no why. I can tell when her thoughts aren't exactly her own. If I got mad at her for something, she may feel sorta bad. But then she would tell just her side to someone and come back a day later with a completely different view. And she could never explain why, and then got frustrated when I asked her. Of course this wasn't always true, sometimes when she was wrong, she did admit it after a long while.
But for her decision this time, she has no real reason why. Its just based on because I feel like it, because I don't want to take a responsbility. She wants another relationship, but with that attitude, her immatuiry, her obstinanctes, it will never last. And I know its not me, when me and Rohan had a talk a while back,we came up with the same conclusions about her. And when it comes to intimacy, she can't handle it. She's not mature enough or responsible enough. Asking the real question why maybe to much for her to handle. Or maybe she knows that if she answered why did all this actually happen rather than the empty cliche artist answer "it was meant to be", she might find herself at fault. A defense mechanism. I use to think she was a thinker, I don't know anymore.
I
Her lack of maturity and irresponsiblity comes from her lack of experience. Even when I was in high school, I already had a lot more experience than her. Witnessing and almost seeing death in the eye, the parties I had been to, people I've talked to, hardships I've had, places i've been, had surpassed her. Now we can't even talk on anything, and that is wat probably saddens me most of all, and my maturity has caused the loss of my best friend. Growth is being put a strange, hard, uncomfortable experience and overcoming it. She avoids these and therefore doesn't grow. Whenever I ask her how have you matured, she just answers I haven't, I've been the same way since whatever grade.
I can't talk to her about money, wealth, power, politics, right and wrong. Deep conversations that have no answer she can't deal with. That maybe why she has such a problem with math. She has to work on her abstract thinkings. When I tried to get her to do this, she would run from the conversation. But is hard for her to grow. She's been spoon feed all her life living in edgemont. She and everyone there are not in the real world.
So we will never talk again. Because of her perception of reality, who she is around, lack of experience, maturity which will never allow her too see my side. She can say she does until she is blue in the face, but if she did, she wouldn't do what she does. Its easier not care. She once told me she rather take the easier road out. I should have known then nothing could last with her.I have no reason left to talk to her. I have given my all and thats the end of it. She has given little. And knowing her, she blocks things out. And if she ever does talk to me again, which will be months or years, I will not even care to know who she is by then.
She left with a bad taste in the mouth. Down the road, it will all come back to get her. Saying it was meant to happen is taking the easy way out of things as usual. She has no control over her own fate and that is that.
I have never argued with anyone else so much before. In any of my other relationships, we never argued. No one has been so arguementive as her, or so hard to deal with. I dont think she realizes the importance of life, or what is truly important life. I guess its hard too for a person who has never really lost anything of great significant in life, like a person who was close to you dies or you almost die youself. I can't remember any fights with Britanny, Devin, Alex, or Lakeya. I had a view with Jasmine but she was nothing like Ginger who would never try to make up but just become more obstinate. And she had her own lil issues, drinking by herself n such. But the other thing is me and Jasmine were eventually able to get back on ok terms. It is maturity that comes into play. The other relationships I've had, going out or not, everything worked out fine. A lot fo people in other relationships still work together today. I use to think we honestly could, if she just get over herself for once, stop acting like she has a right to be angry. Its really childish to get mad at someone simply because they are mad at you.
When I tried to say lets talk about whats happening to us to avoid this, she as usual avoided that conversation. She can't take being blamed, yelled at, or being responsible for her actions. She doesn't have to yet, she nots in the real world. She runs from real issues. But I no longer care for her. She use to be my best friend and now she is nothing at all. Maybe is she was less obstinate about everything, and worth the while(I have thought to myself, what is she really worth to me), I would consider her as a friend. But she reallly doesn't deserve me as a friend. I know byt he time she contacts me, I will no longer even remember her or want to, but I'm sure she wants it that way.
She obviously doesn't care for me at all anymore. Never once did she ask how was I doing, how was I eating, sleeping? Did it bother me at all? No, its always about her. When someone who I told about our situation told me she has weird away messages up like "please bleed", I did become concerned and contacted her over that. Well if she can't care bout me, then I don't about her. And I believed her when she said she would always be there for me. Yup, mom was right, women lie. And make a ton of empty excuses too.
That is the end of us.
I don't care enough for goodbye.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Time for a new Title
I already understand that my fate is something that I create, and I've been doing it. I need something new to focus on now.
How about....
Definition of One's Existence
How about....
Definition of One's Existence
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Husta Spirit Nigga Period
While driving alone in the car for 9 hours, I really remembered who I was, and where I was coming from. Couldn't believe I had forgetton.
From day one, I guess I was always strong. Whatever challenge was thrown at me I could overcome. This started from fights at the chess tournament. Not only was I able to take on more than on kid in a brawl that my lil bad ass instigated, I could place second and third in a junior chess tournament. I remember one time there were too many kids thou, and my dad came I just said "Lets go dad, come on" and he waited like "wats the matter" and then a group of six kids came around the corner and yelled "There he is!" and I started running again. Six was too many.
But I don't fight anymore, too old for that stuff now. But then I entering cross country races in 8th grade, and beating adults.I was strong and really my imagination was my limit. I straight hussled when I was younger. I use to ride a back across 3 towns, aboout 10 miles to work and back everyday when I was in 9th grade working at a camp. That was also when I became friends with Matt, Mike, and Darrel. I would also ride my bike there to visit them on the weekend and play ball.
There once the time when I was younger also I came on the verge of suicide. Kinda hard for me to believe now that I would have actually done something like that. But I was young, and couldn't see apast the situation I was in, I hated where I was and it seemed there was no way out. I'm not sure how I ever came out of it, but I did. I think it was my own will and with the help of my family that I am alright today.
And yes, basketball, how I've forgotten thta love. Playing in the rain, playing in the cold, playing late at night, taking the bus down to the YMCA whenever I had money and staying there all day to play ball. I use to buy lunch across the street, generally a power bar and something to drink, sometimes more. But there was no limit again, I would go where ever do what I had to/wanted to go.
Edgemont, where I grew up since 9th grade, I've haven't seen anyone with type of spirit, hustle or strength. To do it on there own, to overcome all obstacles. I was good in basketball but being 5'8 has its drawbacks. So I switched to track, and was amazing in that. Infact that reminds me, I remember having to ride/walk to school in the cold, heat and ran. A few times I almost got killed riding to school everyday but its all good. Without a bike, I would have probably been lost in high school. But in track, I would train hard over the summers, not knowing what I was doing but just trying to get stronger. I didn't realize until 12th grade, how good I was, I could take it to college and I did.
And of course there were my jobs. Not only did I do a sport in school, I held a job, same as now. Most kids could barely do one and still do well in school. I had enough brains to do it all, and volunteer at the nature center of over the weekend. And I remember when my dad stopped feeding me because of an arguement and I had to support myself. By my own food, get food from friends houses, sometimes fights got so bad I slept outside, bymyself where ever. No shower or nothin. Whatever I did, I did it to perfection and survived, now I can say
"Hustled hard, never gave up until I made it, now they sayin thats a clever nigga, nothin to play well."
I could never forget Rice High School and Mexico. Harlem was hard, living without my parents and with my brother. Gun shots would ring down the block, chopped up buddies found in suit cases. It was totally different from Edgemont, and I had to survive it. There one of the places where I learned some hustle. I learned from other kids who had to support their family, pay their own bills in high school. Some of them were serously in poverty, food stamps weren't uncommom, but I was happier their for some reason. I guess being around other black people than whites make me feel more comfortable. I don't mean to sound racist but I get the feeling, and probably vice versa, white people really don't try to reach out to black people beyond a friendly acquistance level. I can't also forget those after school street brawls, being jumped by some hang and barely escaping with my life, hearing talks of murder in the barbershop.
And Mexico. Yea that was a live changing experience. People don't know poor until they've actually lived in. I hate when people say, "eww, u didn't shower for a day!". Try not showering for 3 or 4 days, and when you take on, you have to heat the water up first which only last 5 minutes. I don't no how many countless times the town water main broke and there was no water period. And how about not beting able to drink the water period? Packs of dogs run the street and when they come at you, you throw rocks at them. Eating the streets with no food sanitary code on the food they make. Corrupt cops out to get you and take your money, patting you down in the street when you no you did nothing wrong. And how about when your friend almost loses his life right in front of you eyes. I remember Fran falling off the cliff, and me running to the nearest church when I was injured, it hurt a lot. And then having to run back alone with a rope and help pull him off a cliff. Damn that was something else.
And then there was trader's joe's, a job where the hustlas make the money. Even thou i wasn't manager, i ended sometimes working 12 hours shifts, over 50 hours a week. Thats a lot of time at a grocery store working. But hey, I made my money. And people there never made the job easier too. Even after barely being awake that long, they still tried to work me to death.
I forgot this experience. I forgot they made me. I forgot who I was. But somehow they helped carry me through until today, making me a stronger person. Now that I remember them...I can move on, surpass myself, truly become something more. I don't need anyone else do it, I don't care about being by myself. I can handle, and will handle anything. I remember who I am now, where I'm coming from, and where I'm going to go.
From day one, I guess I was always strong. Whatever challenge was thrown at me I could overcome. This started from fights at the chess tournament. Not only was I able to take on more than on kid in a brawl that my lil bad ass instigated, I could place second and third in a junior chess tournament. I remember one time there were too many kids thou, and my dad came I just said "Lets go dad, come on" and he waited like "wats the matter" and then a group of six kids came around the corner and yelled "There he is!" and I started running again. Six was too many.
But I don't fight anymore, too old for that stuff now. But then I entering cross country races in 8th grade, and beating adults.I was strong and really my imagination was my limit. I straight hussled when I was younger. I use to ride a back across 3 towns, aboout 10 miles to work and back everyday when I was in 9th grade working at a camp. That was also when I became friends with Matt, Mike, and Darrel. I would also ride my bike there to visit them on the weekend and play ball.
There once the time when I was younger also I came on the verge of suicide. Kinda hard for me to believe now that I would have actually done something like that. But I was young, and couldn't see apast the situation I was in, I hated where I was and it seemed there was no way out. I'm not sure how I ever came out of it, but I did. I think it was my own will and with the help of my family that I am alright today.
And yes, basketball, how I've forgotten thta love. Playing in the rain, playing in the cold, playing late at night, taking the bus down to the YMCA whenever I had money and staying there all day to play ball. I use to buy lunch across the street, generally a power bar and something to drink, sometimes more. But there was no limit again, I would go where ever do what I had to/wanted to go.
Edgemont, where I grew up since 9th grade, I've haven't seen anyone with type of spirit, hustle or strength. To do it on there own, to overcome all obstacles. I was good in basketball but being 5'8 has its drawbacks. So I switched to track, and was amazing in that. Infact that reminds me, I remember having to ride/walk to school in the cold, heat and ran. A few times I almost got killed riding to school everyday but its all good. Without a bike, I would have probably been lost in high school. But in track, I would train hard over the summers, not knowing what I was doing but just trying to get stronger. I didn't realize until 12th grade, how good I was, I could take it to college and I did.
And of course there were my jobs. Not only did I do a sport in school, I held a job, same as now. Most kids could barely do one and still do well in school. I had enough brains to do it all, and volunteer at the nature center of over the weekend. And I remember when my dad stopped feeding me because of an arguement and I had to support myself. By my own food, get food from friends houses, sometimes fights got so bad I slept outside, bymyself where ever. No shower or nothin. Whatever I did, I did it to perfection and survived, now I can say
"Hustled hard, never gave up until I made it, now they sayin thats a clever nigga, nothin to play well."
I could never forget Rice High School and Mexico. Harlem was hard, living without my parents and with my brother. Gun shots would ring down the block, chopped up buddies found in suit cases. It was totally different from Edgemont, and I had to survive it. There one of the places where I learned some hustle. I learned from other kids who had to support their family, pay their own bills in high school. Some of them were serously in poverty, food stamps weren't uncommom, but I was happier their for some reason. I guess being around other black people than whites make me feel more comfortable. I don't mean to sound racist but I get the feeling, and probably vice versa, white people really don't try to reach out to black people beyond a friendly acquistance level. I can't also forget those after school street brawls, being jumped by some hang and barely escaping with my life, hearing talks of murder in the barbershop.
And Mexico. Yea that was a live changing experience. People don't know poor until they've actually lived in. I hate when people say, "eww, u didn't shower for a day!". Try not showering for 3 or 4 days, and when you take on, you have to heat the water up first which only last 5 minutes. I don't no how many countless times the town water main broke and there was no water period. And how about not beting able to drink the water period? Packs of dogs run the street and when they come at you, you throw rocks at them. Eating the streets with no food sanitary code on the food they make. Corrupt cops out to get you and take your money, patting you down in the street when you no you did nothing wrong. And how about when your friend almost loses his life right in front of you eyes. I remember Fran falling off the cliff, and me running to the nearest church when I was injured, it hurt a lot. And then having to run back alone with a rope and help pull him off a cliff. Damn that was something else.
And then there was trader's joe's, a job where the hustlas make the money. Even thou i wasn't manager, i ended sometimes working 12 hours shifts, over 50 hours a week. Thats a lot of time at a grocery store working. But hey, I made my money. And people there never made the job easier too. Even after barely being awake that long, they still tried to work me to death.
I forgot this experience. I forgot they made me. I forgot who I was. But somehow they helped carry me through until today, making me a stronger person. Now that I remember them...I can move on, surpass myself, truly become something more. I don't need anyone else do it, I don't care about being by myself. I can handle, and will handle anything. I remember who I am now, where I'm coming from, and where I'm going to go.
Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
[Comes Around interlude:]
Let me paint this picture for you, baby
You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes
You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved
And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right
But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
See?
You should've listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong
Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?
Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
[Comes Around interlude:]
Let me paint this picture for you, baby
You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes
You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved
And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right
But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
See?
You should've listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Sleep
Sleep easin the pain.
So I don't have to think about it. But I can't sleep to much or I'll become like her. Sleep makes you feel good but nothing is accomplished in sleep. Sleep is just away to avoid things. I'm to strong to avoid things.
And each time I wake up now, I get more apethtic, should this be happening?
Where am I going?
Am I really going to become like Ernest and Jasmine with the whole don't give a fuck attitude? Are we all gonna have the same reason for being the same way? Was it inevitable?
12:23:02 AM cluelessnoobie: alright u tell me if i'm wrong for this
12:24:11 AM cluelessnoobie: my X and I had quite a few fights, some of them were like we made plans to go out, and then plans changed, but she never called me to tell me they change, so then I have to call her, like 30 min after we suppose to me to find out that she couldn't go to the movies anymore and I got mad at her for that
12:24:34 AM cluelessnoobie: 30 min after we were suppose to meet
12:24:47 AM lilquicksilver: dman
12:24:50 AM lilquicksilver: damn
12:24:59 AM lilquicksilver: she shouldve told ya sooner
12:25:02 AM cluelessnoobie: and then she says I shouldn't get mad at her for that
12:25:27 AM lilquicksilver: man u should be a little mad cuz she should have said something
12:25:43 AM cluelessnoobie: aight
12:25:53 AM lilquicksilver: yea u aint wrong
12:26:07 AM cluelessnoobie: ok, but she saying i am for things like that
12:26:34 AM lilquicksilver: well
12:27:12 AM lilquicksilver: i mean u can get mad cuz she aint tell u what was going on but. well she should have told u cuz if u did it to her she would be pissed to
12:28:24 AM cluelessnoobie: aight, but it don't even matter anymore
12:28:34 AM lilquicksilver: tru tru
12:28:47 AM lilquicksilver: hey u gotta do what u gotta do
12:29:00 AM cluelessnoobie: isn't that the true
12:29:04 AM cluelessnoobie: *truth
12:29:30 AM lilquicksilver: yup dats what i did with my ex
12:29:40 AM lilquicksilver: there aint time for bull shit if she fuckin up den its that time
12:30:12 AM cluelessnoobie: word yo, time aint forever, and once its gone u can't get it back
12:30:22 AM lilquicksilver: tru dat
And I hate casting blame, but she says we can't work. But here a lot of the times she was in the wrong, not me. But I don't think she will ever accept what she does as wrong. All the fights we had were really because of her neglagance. I think she might have actually planned them out, she wanted this to happen. And no matter how hard I tried, she made it enivitable.
And yesterday, it bet she will blame it all on me. Once again we made plans to go out. I was suppose to pick her up at 2:30 and go see some puppies, then lunch, then a movie. Well her plans got messed up and she ended up calling me at 2:00 to pick her home from her house. That was fine. We went and saw the puppies. I was starving because I didn't go to lunch because that as in the plan. Then she says she already ate and didn't want to go. Then she didn't want to go a movie. So I took her to a few stores she wanted to go to. Then she said lets see the movie, before we went into barnes and noble. Then coming out she didn't want to again. She turned the whol day into her and what she wanted to do. Its always about her, she is selfish, I'm sorry to say. Again plans made were ruined, and it wasn't by me. But of course she'll make an excuse and try to blame me.
I think she has some other deep issues to that I can't help her with. She is unusually obstinate toward many things. She can't pick out a movie because of a whole bunch of reasons she wouldn't want to see them. She is very closed minded toward a lot of thing, ironically which is one of her pet peeves. Like she didn't want to go to the Saint Patrick Day parade because she's not Irish. So what, just go to enjoy the parade, everyone goes to have fun whether they are Irish or not. She's missin out on so much on life and I don't think she realizes it. And she has controlling issues. She has to be in control of everything. Whenever she loses control, it like she loses her mind and becomes more obstinate. And her sleeping is unusual too. Its like a depressed person sleeping. Is that it? Is she depressed and that is why all this happening now? Is she like her mom who she says has depression problems also? If thats true, then there is probably nothing I could do, and can be do now to help her. And she stays home alone an unusual amount. Even on saturdays and fridays. Its like OCD studying. There is a lot of signs going up.
Maybe I should have realized she may have had other problems. Do I care enough anymore to possibly help her? I don't know, I'm making myself numb sorta like she did. Before I would do anything for her, but now....Maybe it is her childhood which makes her like she is sometimes. So maybe me trying to be happy with her and make her happy was something I could never do.
So I don't have to think about it. But I can't sleep to much or I'll become like her. Sleep makes you feel good but nothing is accomplished in sleep. Sleep is just away to avoid things. I'm to strong to avoid things.
And each time I wake up now, I get more apethtic, should this be happening?
Where am I going?
Am I really going to become like Ernest and Jasmine with the whole don't give a fuck attitude? Are we all gonna have the same reason for being the same way? Was it inevitable?
12:23:02 AM cluelessnoobie: alright u tell me if i'm wrong for this
12:24:11 AM cluelessnoobie: my X and I had quite a few fights, some of them were like we made plans to go out, and then plans changed, but she never called me to tell me they change, so then I have to call her, like 30 min after we suppose to me to find out that she couldn't go to the movies anymore and I got mad at her for that
12:24:34 AM cluelessnoobie: 30 min after we were suppose to meet
12:24:47 AM lilquicksilver: dman
12:24:50 AM lilquicksilver: damn
12:24:59 AM lilquicksilver: she shouldve told ya sooner
12:25:02 AM cluelessnoobie: and then she says I shouldn't get mad at her for that
12:25:27 AM lilquicksilver: man u should be a little mad cuz she should have said something
12:25:43 AM cluelessnoobie: aight
12:25:53 AM lilquicksilver: yea u aint wrong
12:26:07 AM cluelessnoobie: ok, but she saying i am for things like that
12:26:34 AM lilquicksilver: well
12:27:12 AM lilquicksilver: i mean u can get mad cuz she aint tell u what was going on but. well she should have told u cuz if u did it to her she would be pissed to
12:28:24 AM cluelessnoobie: aight, but it don't even matter anymore
12:28:34 AM lilquicksilver: tru tru
12:28:47 AM lilquicksilver: hey u gotta do what u gotta do
12:29:00 AM cluelessnoobie: isn't that the true
12:29:04 AM cluelessnoobie: *truth
12:29:30 AM lilquicksilver: yup dats what i did with my ex
12:29:40 AM lilquicksilver: there aint time for bull shit if she fuckin up den its that time
12:30:12 AM cluelessnoobie: word yo, time aint forever, and once its gone u can't get it back
12:30:22 AM lilquicksilver: tru dat
And I hate casting blame, but she says we can't work. But here a lot of the times she was in the wrong, not me. But I don't think she will ever accept what she does as wrong. All the fights we had were really because of her neglagance. I think she might have actually planned them out, she wanted this to happen. And no matter how hard I tried, she made it enivitable.
And yesterday, it bet she will blame it all on me. Once again we made plans to go out. I was suppose to pick her up at 2:30 and go see some puppies, then lunch, then a movie. Well her plans got messed up and she ended up calling me at 2:00 to pick her home from her house. That was fine. We went and saw the puppies. I was starving because I didn't go to lunch because that as in the plan. Then she says she already ate and didn't want to go. Then she didn't want to go a movie. So I took her to a few stores she wanted to go to. Then she said lets see the movie, before we went into barnes and noble. Then coming out she didn't want to again. She turned the whol day into her and what she wanted to do. Its always about her, she is selfish, I'm sorry to say. Again plans made were ruined, and it wasn't by me. But of course she'll make an excuse and try to blame me.
I think she has some other deep issues to that I can't help her with. She is unusually obstinate toward many things. She can't pick out a movie because of a whole bunch of reasons she wouldn't want to see them. She is very closed minded toward a lot of thing, ironically which is one of her pet peeves. Like she didn't want to go to the Saint Patrick Day parade because she's not Irish. So what, just go to enjoy the parade, everyone goes to have fun whether they are Irish or not. She's missin out on so much on life and I don't think she realizes it. And she has controlling issues. She has to be in control of everything. Whenever she loses control, it like she loses her mind and becomes more obstinate. And her sleeping is unusual too. Its like a depressed person sleeping. Is that it? Is she depressed and that is why all this happening now? Is she like her mom who she says has depression problems also? If thats true, then there is probably nothing I could do, and can be do now to help her. And she stays home alone an unusual amount. Even on saturdays and fridays. Its like OCD studying. There is a lot of signs going up.
Maybe I should have realized she may have had other problems. Do I care enough anymore to possibly help her? I don't know, I'm making myself numb sorta like she did. Before I would do anything for her, but now....Maybe it is her childhood which makes her like she is sometimes. So maybe me trying to be happy with her and make her happy was something I could never do.
And it is getting worse.
Why should I care about anyone? I use to believe in the philosophy that people live for their loved one. A life caring just for yourself is a lonely and unfulfilling one but with other people it is a life well lived.
My life is going and there are no breaks, time lost can never be gotten back.
So I'm going to care and live just for myself. Other people will eventually just hurt you anyway, especially women. They are especially cold. They don't kill the body, the kill the soul and heart.
So now is the present, and from hereforth, other people really don't matter. I just have too look out for number one.
Was this how I am suppose to be?
I feel...stronger
Why should I care about anyone? I use to believe in the philosophy that people live for their loved one. A life caring just for yourself is a lonely and unfulfilling one but with other people it is a life well lived.
My life is going and there are no breaks, time lost can never be gotten back.
So I'm going to care and live just for myself. Other people will eventually just hurt you anyway, especially women. They are especially cold. They don't kill the body, the kill the soul and heart.
So now is the present, and from hereforth, other people really don't matter. I just have too look out for number one.
Was this how I am suppose to be?
I feel...stronger
Evil
Can I keep from becoming evil?
She was a really important person in my life. If she is gone, then is it like everything else?
I always look forward to talking to her. She kept me calm, stable, a good reason that everyone else in this world besides ur parents weren't just assholes. People are such social beings and depend on each other socially too. They have the ability to change each other lives. A nice thing can change a persons whole day compared to one nasty thing done to them. One person has the ability to change the view of the world for another person. I think the best example is daughters. I've seen a man having a daughter(sometimes a son) change that persons personality dramatically. Its a good feeling to love and be loved in return.
But in college, everything is just socially fake layer of nice. People are tactful lets say. They aren't really ur friends but keep up a good relationship with you. Their acquantinces, thats the word. But with her, I felt so much love, I never felt that before. And I have to say at times she was my better half.
And its hard for me to love people. They really have to be genuine, in which she as at first and still is at times, but sometimes she isn't but I could deal with that.
But without her...its just reinenforcing the way I was before. No one truly loves you in this world, eventually they all will end up leaving you. So now my question is wat do I become? Do I become like I was before, just caring about myself and no one else. Like all the other people I know who really don't care about other people. People are here for the moment and then there gone and that is w/e.
If I became cold again, I would have to go through these feelings I have right now. These feelings that make me whole yet hurt me at the same time time. Are they really worth it?
She was a really important person in my life. If she is gone, then is it like everything else?
I always look forward to talking to her. She kept me calm, stable, a good reason that everyone else in this world besides ur parents weren't just assholes. People are such social beings and depend on each other socially too. They have the ability to change each other lives. A nice thing can change a persons whole day compared to one nasty thing done to them. One person has the ability to change the view of the world for another person. I think the best example is daughters. I've seen a man having a daughter(sometimes a son) change that persons personality dramatically. Its a good feeling to love and be loved in return.
But in college, everything is just socially fake layer of nice. People are tactful lets say. They aren't really ur friends but keep up a good relationship with you. Their acquantinces, thats the word. But with her, I felt so much love, I never felt that before. And I have to say at times she was my better half.
And its hard for me to love people. They really have to be genuine, in which she as at first and still is at times, but sometimes she isn't but I could deal with that.
But without her...its just reinenforcing the way I was before. No one truly loves you in this world, eventually they all will end up leaving you. So now my question is wat do I become? Do I become like I was before, just caring about myself and no one else. Like all the other people I know who really don't care about other people. People are here for the moment and then there gone and that is w/e.
If I became cold again, I would have to go through these feelings I have right now. These feelings that make me whole yet hurt me at the same time time. Are they really worth it?
Now whats happening
So we decided on a week of not talking to see what happens between us.
I'm trusting her to unblock me after I week, I hope I am right in placing my trust in her.
But its wierd. She says she has no emotion left. I don't think thats it, I think she is trying to get rid of it. We've been fighting a lot lately, a lot a lot. Just shit has been happening. And it esculates onto a certian level. So I think this break will allow things to cool down between us.
And yea I know I still have feeling for her. I've been with a bunch of girls and its like, they don't make me feel the way I do when I'm with her, except Lisa. But she has a boyfriend in Mexico. And plus, we had major fighting before, stopped talking for like a month and a half, then started talking again, then it became intimate again. So I'm not sure where it is head but I'm not gonna lie, I do hope to be intimate with her.
Being intimate is a responsbility that I am willing to deal with but not about her. But the feeling is good. It was good lying on her bed doing my work while she did her work on the computer. It was good hooking up, and it was going out, it was good knowing we had each other to rely on. I don't think all of that can go away just like that like she claims, I think its just the fighting for now.
And its not that I have to move on and not love her, other women can come and go. Its just that I can still lover her the same and be with other women. That might be where we really differ. Or she just might not be ready for anything intimate yet. She said today in the car, don't ever talk about marriage because I'm still a kid. She really might still be a kid and thats the problem. I really don't talk to anyone else in high school because they are just immature. Its hard to relate when ur in college, everything is different, but they don't realize it. I didn't when i was in high school and my other peers didn't either. But I have seen her mature apast her peers, I guess partly because she talks to me.
But anway, one week and we'll see if things are the same, better or worse between us on any level.
And in all honesty, I want to see her happy. I guess she is ever been she never really says she happy except when she is at camp. I remember at convo we had before, and she said she felt ok at home. I guess maybe I tried to make her happy and that is what did it. Maybe I can't make her happy but she feel ok. I think true happiness for herself lies within herself. I tried my best but I guess it wasn't enough. There is no telling what the future holds for us right now.
I'm trusting her to unblock me after I week, I hope I am right in placing my trust in her.
But its wierd. She says she has no emotion left. I don't think thats it, I think she is trying to get rid of it. We've been fighting a lot lately, a lot a lot. Just shit has been happening. And it esculates onto a certian level. So I think this break will allow things to cool down between us.
And yea I know I still have feeling for her. I've been with a bunch of girls and its like, they don't make me feel the way I do when I'm with her, except Lisa. But she has a boyfriend in Mexico. And plus, we had major fighting before, stopped talking for like a month and a half, then started talking again, then it became intimate again. So I'm not sure where it is head but I'm not gonna lie, I do hope to be intimate with her.
Being intimate is a responsbility that I am willing to deal with but not about her. But the feeling is good. It was good lying on her bed doing my work while she did her work on the computer. It was good hooking up, and it was going out, it was good knowing we had each other to rely on. I don't think all of that can go away just like that like she claims, I think its just the fighting for now.
And its not that I have to move on and not love her, other women can come and go. Its just that I can still lover her the same and be with other women. That might be where we really differ. Or she just might not be ready for anything intimate yet. She said today in the car, don't ever talk about marriage because I'm still a kid. She really might still be a kid and thats the problem. I really don't talk to anyone else in high school because they are just immature. Its hard to relate when ur in college, everything is different, but they don't realize it. I didn't when i was in high school and my other peers didn't either. But I have seen her mature apast her peers, I guess partly because she talks to me.
But anway, one week and we'll see if things are the same, better or worse between us on any level.
And in all honesty, I want to see her happy. I guess she is ever been she never really says she happy except when she is at camp. I remember at convo we had before, and she said she felt ok at home. I guess maybe I tried to make her happy and that is what did it. Maybe I can't make her happy but she feel ok. I think true happiness for herself lies within herself. I tried my best but I guess it wasn't enough. There is no telling what the future holds for us right now.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Change
Ok even thou I'm sorta pissed off at her right now, I'm not gonna bash her. We both need some changes.
She saids I'm not completely over her which is partially true but its the same for her too. But our relationships is besides that points, it treatment. I'm not gonna call her out on anything but she just needs to treat me a lil better as a person, not bf/gf, but a person.
And I need to stop saying lets end it, good bye, etc. This year I can even tell that I've matured so much. Maybe at times I do put too much pressure on her to be really mature about things too, and I am to hard at times. After all she still is in high school which does limit her experiences. I know since college, esp this year, I've matured so much, and I can't imagine how much further I have to go. Life is a long journey in a short period of time.
And at times I might be to clingy towards her, I admit it. She gets clingy at times too, even thou she won't admit it. But I wish she would take some blame and responsibility and work with me. I can't do things by myself. I wish when I give her advice, she would actually listen, because I've been there before, done it already. This is kinda funny but my parents and brother use to say the same thing to me. I look back now and wondered if I acted that way when I was a teenager.
But I think they've seen that I've grown up. So they don't say it as much. Even though my mom is still my mom and tells me its cold outside and to wear something warm. Thnx mom, no duh. But I no longer get mad at it, I just accept it. The african guy told me the same thing. He's 30 something and his mom still tells him how to drive. He said eventually you will understand you can't get mad at it, you just have to accept it, that thats ur mom and she will always be ur mom, even when ur 60 and she's 90. Of course he had an accent thou.
So those are things I need to work on with her. Stop being so clingy at times, don't hold my expectations to high for her, and stop saying I'm gonna stop talking to her. If only she would do her part things could work out. And maybe since I once acted like/did some of the things she did/ was her age, I should try to understand her point of view.
And the funny thign is, we can work. Like in winter. I just wonder whats holding her back? Arguements? Responsibility? Another Guy? I wonder if she even knows? I've talked to other people who like people but are scared of titles and relationships?
Oh well, one step at a time. I have to work on myself as she works on herself first. Then maybe we can see what our friendship really is.
She saids I'm not completely over her which is partially true but its the same for her too. But our relationships is besides that points, it treatment. I'm not gonna call her out on anything but she just needs to treat me a lil better as a person, not bf/gf, but a person.
And I need to stop saying lets end it, good bye, etc. This year I can even tell that I've matured so much. Maybe at times I do put too much pressure on her to be really mature about things too, and I am to hard at times. After all she still is in high school which does limit her experiences. I know since college, esp this year, I've matured so much, and I can't imagine how much further I have to go. Life is a long journey in a short period of time.
And at times I might be to clingy towards her, I admit it. She gets clingy at times too, even thou she won't admit it. But I wish she would take some blame and responsibility and work with me. I can't do things by myself. I wish when I give her advice, she would actually listen, because I've been there before, done it already. This is kinda funny but my parents and brother use to say the same thing to me. I look back now and wondered if I acted that way when I was a teenager.
But I think they've seen that I've grown up. So they don't say it as much. Even though my mom is still my mom and tells me its cold outside and to wear something warm. Thnx mom, no duh. But I no longer get mad at it, I just accept it. The african guy told me the same thing. He's 30 something and his mom still tells him how to drive. He said eventually you will understand you can't get mad at it, you just have to accept it, that thats ur mom and she will always be ur mom, even when ur 60 and she's 90. Of course he had an accent thou.
So those are things I need to work on with her. Stop being so clingy at times, don't hold my expectations to high for her, and stop saying I'm gonna stop talking to her. If only she would do her part things could work out. And maybe since I once acted like/did some of the things she did/ was her age, I should try to understand her point of view.
And the funny thign is, we can work. Like in winter. I just wonder whats holding her back? Arguements? Responsibility? Another Guy? I wonder if she even knows? I've talked to other people who like people but are scared of titles and relationships?
Oh well, one step at a time. I have to work on myself as she works on herself first. Then maybe we can see what our friendship really is.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Tired
I'm tired of opening up and then just getting hurt again.
I can no longer be mad. It doesn't suit me, it doesn't change anything.
She cancelled plans again. The reason is because she is tired. She sleeps her life away, never realizing what is truly important, or maybe I'm not that important. But each time I think about just having a good time with her, she ruins it. I don't know how many times I've heard, "I don't want to because I'm tired" or "I just don't want to go or do anything". Well I'm tired of just waiting for her.
My brother told me that you can only wait for a person for so long, to bring them to her level. I'm tired of waiting for her. I can't even talk to her anymore. Anything deep or a conversation that requires thought, she avoids. I tried to make things better between us by asking her why can I do to help us stop fighting. She just avoids it. I can't deal with someone like that anymore. A person can only avoid something for so long. I can't have serious conversations with her. She is too busy and stuck in her own lil world. She avoids the issues at hand, she can't deal with them.
I could have made plans to go to my brothers tonight. I wanted to go see him but then Ginger said we would watch a movie so I decided to cancel going to see him. Now she is sleeping and I'm just stuck her again. And she gets annoyed when people cancel plans on her but it seems ok to cancel it on other people.
So basically I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of imagining a wonderful time and almost each time have it ruined by "I'm tired" or "I don't want to" or "I made other plans by mistake after we already made plans". I'm tired of opening up and then just getting rejected. I'm not gonna feel that way anymore. I shouldn't. No one else I know cancels plans like she does, and for reasons because I'm tired at 6:00. Something might be seriously wrong with her. But thats for the next person to figure out. I'm tired of going the extra step for her and getting rejected in the end. This morning when I heard the weather report while in bed, it said it was 11 degrees outside. And I thought, I didn't want her walking in that kinda cold, she shouldn't have too. So I get up and bring her to school. Now its night time and she's tired.
I can do that but she can't send me a card in two months. You shouldn't....no its wrong to deal with someone like that, to say you love someone like that. I never feel like I'm treated right.
No more excuses.
I want to live my life, see what the world holds. There is so much more than sleeping, reading and watching movies. I'm tired of just talking online. I'm tired of being let down.
But I'm sure once she reads this, she won't care anymore. Thats like her, she hates being wrong, she has to much pride, she hates taking responsibility for her actions towards others.
I'm sorry Ginger....
I truly am sorry
I can no longer be mad. It doesn't suit me, it doesn't change anything.
She cancelled plans again. The reason is because she is tired. She sleeps her life away, never realizing what is truly important, or maybe I'm not that important. But each time I think about just having a good time with her, she ruins it. I don't know how many times I've heard, "I don't want to because I'm tired" or "I just don't want to go or do anything". Well I'm tired of just waiting for her.
My brother told me that you can only wait for a person for so long, to bring them to her level. I'm tired of waiting for her. I can't even talk to her anymore. Anything deep or a conversation that requires thought, she avoids. I tried to make things better between us by asking her why can I do to help us stop fighting. She just avoids it. I can't deal with someone like that anymore. A person can only avoid something for so long. I can't have serious conversations with her. She is too busy and stuck in her own lil world. She avoids the issues at hand, she can't deal with them.
I could have made plans to go to my brothers tonight. I wanted to go see him but then Ginger said we would watch a movie so I decided to cancel going to see him. Now she is sleeping and I'm just stuck her again. And she gets annoyed when people cancel plans on her but it seems ok to cancel it on other people.
So basically I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of imagining a wonderful time and almost each time have it ruined by "I'm tired" or "I don't want to" or "I made other plans by mistake after we already made plans". I'm tired of opening up and then just getting rejected. I'm not gonna feel that way anymore. I shouldn't. No one else I know cancels plans like she does, and for reasons because I'm tired at 6:00. Something might be seriously wrong with her. But thats for the next person to figure out. I'm tired of going the extra step for her and getting rejected in the end. This morning when I heard the weather report while in bed, it said it was 11 degrees outside. And I thought, I didn't want her walking in that kinda cold, she shouldn't have too. So I get up and bring her to school. Now its night time and she's tired.
I can do that but she can't send me a card in two months. You shouldn't....no its wrong to deal with someone like that, to say you love someone like that. I never feel like I'm treated right.
No more excuses.
I want to live my life, see what the world holds. There is so much more than sleeping, reading and watching movies. I'm tired of just talking online. I'm tired of being let down.
But I'm sure once she reads this, she won't care anymore. Thats like her, she hates being wrong, she has to much pride, she hates taking responsibility for her actions towards others.
I'm sorry Ginger....
I truly am sorry
Monday, March 05, 2007
Every chance I give her, she fucks up.
I'm not mad at all about the hooking up part, its the fact the I come over and all she does is go on facebook. Thats just plain rude. When you have guest, you don't just do your own lil thing. And then when I leave, she doesn't even see me out.
She has a serious problem with manners, and how she treats people. And I don't think she'll ever learn until something happens to her where she seriously loses something or someone to understand how trivial wat she values is. And it might have to start with me.
I'm not mad at all about the hooking up part, its the fact the I come over and all she does is go on facebook. Thats just plain rude. When you have guest, you don't just do your own lil thing. And then when I leave, she doesn't even see me out.
She has a serious problem with manners, and how she treats people. And I don't think she'll ever learn until something happens to her where she seriously loses something or someone to understand how trivial wat she values is. And it might have to start with me.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Me and Andrea
Andrea and I had a talk about her girlfriend and my X, and came up with some suprising similarities.
But thats another talk for another time.
But thats another talk for another time.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
And I just thought about her saying nice things about me is like dating.
Well she can say nice things about HCB(or what ever it is) and the other guy but not about me?
And they sure as hell ain't dating.
She's very two sided...i bet she has ane excuse for this too.
I'm at the point where I might say I don't want her in my life, like Jasmine.
And its not even that I'm mad, just to the point of not caring at all. I see how autistic parents feel when they try to show love to their kids and their kids just turn them down cold. Its a bad feeling.
But for now I'm not gonna think about it.
I'll see over break what happens.
Well she can say nice things about HCB(or what ever it is) and the other guy but not about me?
And they sure as hell ain't dating.
She's very two sided...i bet she has ane excuse for this too.
I'm at the point where I might say I don't want her in my life, like Jasmine.
And its not even that I'm mad, just to the point of not caring at all. I see how autistic parents feel when they try to show love to their kids and their kids just turn them down cold. Its a bad feeling.
But for now I'm not gonna think about it.
I'll see over break what happens.
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