Ok, I'm conflicted right now because I'm not sure what I want anymore.

I use to think we could be best friends again but apparently not, maybe I should throw the card she gave me in my drawer away.

And when I think I'm to hard on her and go easy, its like she feels jusitifed. As Ernest said, I shouldn't be saying I'm sorrying to end a conflict. She obviously doesn't want to end a confict but rather keep one going then why should you? But then he also gave me advice on how to calm things down. And its like no matter wha I try, bringing it up in very civil calm way, w/e, it ends with the same result of her being passive aggresive.

I want to forgive her for lieing almost all the time but I feel if I do...is what is called positive reinforcement for her, where like bad behaviour is getting rewarded. So I don't no if I can forgive her and I might end up hating her forever really. She'll be added to the Michelle list(first girl I ever really hated..hate like if I had the choice I saving her life I wouldn't).

But then she said I don't want to talk to you right now, and that could mean that she is willing to accept some blame and responsibilty. That maybe she'll sit down and think about it and realize "Devin has never really done anything and has always been there for me....is this really what I do in return?". But thats a big maybe, if she doesn't block it out.

But the thing that really eats me away is her lying. She's never straight. First off about lying, in no culture in any way shape or form is lying EVER seen as an moral to uphold or something good. In both he Koran and Bible, it talks about the evils of lying and a sin to do it. Americans hate when the governemnt lies to them. Lying is never good, period. And she took her all so knowledgable friends advice, and decided to come up with this huge lye(i'm being repetive but this is eating me alive right now) but the lie creates a BIGGER arguement than her just saying, "sorry I feel asleep and forgot to call u again...u have a right to be mad." And then when I discover its a lie from one of her friends, its turns into an even bigger arguement. There is no excuse or reason for that. Thats why I want to go to someone like Pastor Dan and ask him, and I really do plan too. That way if I'm wrong, in which this case I know that I'm anything but, atleast it will be fair. But I no he'll say forgive her blah blah blah, but I'm not so sure I'm about forgiveness anymore, does she really deserve it? I mean always forgive her an apologize, but when it comes to her wrongs, her apologizing is like drawing blood from a nail. And then if I put my stuff at risk for her, she should, it would be right, to say fine, I'll go give up some time for you since you really do put urself at risk for me. When I tried to compromise saying, "yea I will be able to watch it wednesday if you could help me out with things", she doesnt want to do that. It has to be her way. She says she would, but deep inside she knows she wouldn't. And that is what also eats me up. She says I'm going to do the right thing today, but falls short on it. The right think would have been giving me 5 bucks for gas before and not saying, "you should never believe a drunk person, esp me drunk". But then again after that she did give me like 2-3 dollars for gas at time. Even though 2-3 doesn't even pay for a gallon because a gallon is 3.20, I still very much appreciated the effort. And I think she has to learn the meanin of sacrifice. Sacrfice doesn't mean you give up something you really don't want, like a piece of dirt on your property, sacrifice is giving up something valauble and important, like the flat screen in your house.

And like the post I said before, I don't think I'm going to tell her what I am doing, but thats her loss then. We shall see.