Satifised

She has now closed herself in a lil barrier from me, who is about to tell everything that happened between us. It has become a learned helplessness. Your past does come back to haunt you if you don't end things the right way. But really, I've beat her in every way possible to make her change.

I had felt satifished when we had reached sorta an agreement not to dislike or hate each other, and she took some responsiblity for her actions, which I have been doing with mine for a while. But I just had this feeling that this was too easy, and I looked and found out she lied. And like I said before, lying to someone really bothers me. After that she pretty much knew the consequence.

Thats the thing about lying, it can always come back to you. Being honest maybe a little harder, but the consequences are definitely less severe, if any.If she was honest, I would be gone, this wouldn't be happening now.

So I tried to give her an easy way out. I wanted her to understand what being moral and ethical really means. Why shouldn't you cheat on someone, why shouldn't you lie to people. Of course this would involve actually understanding the other person's arguement. So all she had to do was prove she understood by talking about why. Despite what she has done to me, I wanted her to show she has the capacity to grow into a good, well developed person. If she could do that, then I would let everything slide because in the future she would be able to treat someone else the right way.

Of course she would say no because she doesn't. Morals and ethics are ideas that aren't in her life. Its more of, I treat people however I feel and thats the end, no reason to feel bad. She and I are completely different in morals. I have deep understanding of people and how they feel, and I consider that in whatever I do, which a lot of the times involves putting myself last. Therefore my morals and ethics try to be the best towards all people, because I generally do see the good in them and that they are worth it.

Now she has driven herself into a hole, blocking anything on AIM, facebook, closing her blog off. I feel what I do is wrong and right. Right because we had an agreement and she lied, wrong because no one should feel they have to do this to themselves. But hey, she made her choice. So really, I completely won then, but lost at the time same time. I lost in the fact that, she was someone who I couldn't get to understand anything she didn't want to.

But from a different point of view of hers, I have to understand that everything I've read has come true, exactly as foretold. But throughout her whole life she has had nothing but problems, and she has learned to deal with them by blocking them out. Its not her fault for how her mom screams/yells/complains and all her problems, or her brother being austic, or her dad being an austic alcholic who can't support her. She didn't quite have a normal childhood and thus that makes her who she is today. Like my blog says, The Reason Why Who I Am and What I Am. Her influences growing up and even now were way different from the normal person, and make her who she is today. So I can't blame all her behaviour on her but at the same time, no one is stopping her from changing, no one is stopping her from growing. At some point in everyone's life, fate becomes something they create, in other words they choose who they want to be. So I have to show compassion towards her but at the same time can't let her have the scapegoat.

For me at this point, its like holding a gun to someones head. Someone who has caused you great pain, maybe killed your family, caused you a life of suffering, so you would have every right to pull that trigger. The question is, do you?

From my point of view, I have to be better than that person. I have to see why they did it and look into how I feel about it. The answer is not so simple. But I couldn't pull that trigger and be like them no. I would leave them living knowing what they did. Why? Because my character, morals and beliefs wouldn't allow me to, no matter how wrong they are. In a realize that that person has feeling, emotions, a family, loved one just like I do. I see them not as an enemy but people also, I have to much empathy.

So I have the blog complete with every single bit of evidence that I need. But I'm not going to pull the trigger. Every step of the way, I knew I was better than her, I knew I was right, but she knew she was avoiding it the whole time. But at the same time I understand her point of view of where she is coming from and why she acts the way she does, even if she knows she is wrong. Really she is not a strong enough person to compete with me. So no matter how wrong she is, I atleast have to be right on my part.

I can't pull the trigger because thats not who I am. I'm stronger than that, I'm better than that.

I am part of her just as she is part of me.

Inside people believe they are seperate from everyone and everything.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Everyone person is part of everyone and apart of everything.