Hmmmmm

Last night I just sat in a bar(yes I know me in a bar, huh?) with a pen and a pad writing my emotions down in the form of lyrics and I guess I came too a conclusion/re-epiphany.

No one is going to pull me out my funk except for me.

I guess it makes me said and happy at the same time. When other people get in their funks, depression, down in-outs, etc I am able to stand for them for a while and guide them out. But when it comes to mine I deal with it alone. I don't think anyone will make the sacfrices I make for them (ex: leaving a job to hangout with a depressed person) as I made for them. And at this point I'm fine with it. I guess in a way it makes me stronger.

Gary said one of the 5 pains of living for a human is loniliness. He is right and I am lonely. But if I can conquer loniliness alone will I still be human? BTW, I define being human not as a species but as a state of mind and humanity being a collective state of mind. Maybe I don't need friends, I certainly no longer need Facebook or Twitter to express myself.

KK and I are really good friends. I called her my best friend, and she called me hers, though never sure how true things are. But I don't think it will last for two reasons. 1) Being Lesbain(I'll explain) and 2) Strength.

Being/becoming lesbain. I've been there before with Sarah and seen it with others. People are really good friends(Sarah and I inseperable), then they decide to fully be gay/lesbain. Eventually they start to surround themselves with all gay/lesbain/female friends. They only go to gay clubs, gay bars, gay events etc. And eventually the relationship with the straight and gay person ends.

Gays complain about not having equal right and are discrimated against by society. And to an extent, they are right. But I've seem them also oscratize themselves from society. I can call names like Mary, Sarah, Shayne and say look at their closest friends/people they talk to the most and are they also gay?

So I think that is why KK and I friendship probably won't last, seen it happen too many times. Not sure why this change is coming around like this but I surmise Mary may be a big influence. Because Mary(the relationship consultant who herself can have sex only once every 5 years) tends to categorize gay people. And she is wrong and I see that with Andrea. I use to think with Andrea that she could only be truly attracted to another lesbain. I once told her about that and she responded "No, a lesbain is a lesbain. I am Andrea, I am me." And it not until recently where I am beginning to understand that Andrea never let her sexuality determine who she had feelings for, she was her own person and made her own decisions. I also noted she actually had a healthy amount of gay/straight friends and even straight male friends. Something I did not see in the other 3.

So you become who are associatted with. Best example of that is with Ginger. Her new associations who are drugees, drugs dealer, and wanna-be strippers have changed her perception that evereything is also. So now she deals and wants to strip. Will your friends become who you are?

Then there is strength. I can feel it that she will cast me aside, especially if I say, "fuck it I don't want to be friends anymore". In fact that is a lot of people. I guess that is one difference between me and other people. When they said that I never said it back and try to overcome whatever the problem was. But if I say fuck it, no one will fight for me, they turn their backs like others, like Victoria. So I sense that is how its going to happen.

Also going back to Mary, that definitely cannot be her. Just the fact the she said when I stopped talking to people before, she said, "I only try to communicate twice. If you don't say anything boo then its bye bye". Really? So after I sat up in the hospital with you up to 4AM in the morning, after I took care of your dog for you when you went out of town, after I saved your apartment from burning to the floor, you'd say that? Your the one always talking about lets be business partners when you yourself put in no work and why to work from a seperate country but then say that? NO! Also you can't have your cake and eat it too.

And thats one of the things I yearn for, someone strong, stronger than me. And I don't mean strenght in how many push-ups you can do but strength in the heart. Can you deal with me, keep me together and yourself? Are you always pushing forward, becoming a better person and helping those around you? Can I fully trust you or should I be watching my back? Can you push me to the next level? Can't seem to find that.

I'm in the position now to lead my friends. I make the most, am the most successful, most room for growth and I did it on my own. But I don't want to lead, I want to follow for a bit but I have no one who I find worthy of following. Growing up I use pin-point people who were better at me in something. Wheather it be finances, running, programming, etc and I would strive to surpass and I eventually did suprass a lot of mentors. Now I look for someone who I can truly follow in their footsetps and surpass them.

So now my goal is to bring each one of my friends to my level. It doesn't have to be the exact same train of thought but I want them to change their current one. Example, I was asking Darrel tonight was his passion was, he said to be a business mogul, to make money...not a passion. Then I was testing his perception of the world and was asking about what motivates guys like Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates? He thinks its to make more money....wrong answer its not. The world is not money and certainly not happiness nor the heart. I want to change this(why would they do the same for me? prob not). Honestly I probably will lose friends along the way but the ones I bring along and come through....they will push me to surpass my current self.

I think the saddest part is I use to have a dream of being part of a change in this world where people would be less judgemental more understanding of each other and would have been happen to make myself as example and take lumps for the next generation to take off. As things happen, my desire for that seems further and further away......

The More I Grow the More they seem to stay the same

The niggaz I grew up with. Have been 'fam always, even when I was down south in college or so I thought. To put things in perspective, my perception of the world has always been a different one. From 17-18 I've been talking about makin moving, creating something so I can retire at 25 if I wanted. Big dreamer you can say and niggaz have always been doubting me.

BTW. I generally never use nigger but only in this point to accentuate the point.

So 18-23, I've been down South and I get back and get mad love but is it real? I come back waiting too see how far people have gotten, how they've changed, their plans for the future. And what do I find? Why the fuck is everyone still the same?

K still has been successfully dropping in and out of community college. Same job, still living with his parents.

M still has the same way of thinking, small. I said back then I'm going to retire at 25. He said no way. I said now I'm ready to move out after I make $5,000 a month, he said thats a lot not going to happen. I'm already at $4,000.

G still at home. Hanging out with the same crowd who is still doing the same thing. Actually he said to me he missed learning since he graduated and I'm thinking "you don't need college to learn". Spoke to him once, just tried get up with him but never return my calls.

Z doesn't really ask how I am doing. She seems more focused on how she can put it no work but become succesfully with me. You want to be a partner but what have you done?

S....this dude still going into the same bad areas where he got stabbed and robbed before...why? Nigga you grew up the suburbs, stay yo ass there. And you can ask me to come up to you and go up to bars in your town but can't come up my way too see me....

D...wnats to go in hard but brings nothing to the table. No ideas, no skills, no money. He may have the hunger but lacks the frame of mind.

And then people look at me like we want to be where your at, put us on. And I'm tired of putting people on. When I was down, no one gave me hope, pushed me along, lifted me up. I was told by A that "yea I was planning on helping you but I figured you could help yourself". Whenever I leave a comment on Facebook, especially those involving self-empowerment and education, people don't respond. I don't get the likes and comments. Then you come out with your hands out wanting something, ready to ride my wave when you put nothing into it? I don't mean nothing into as just monetary. I can say I give two shits about the monetary, I look for support. Where was your support when I was broke, lonely, hungry and pulling another allnighter?

Don't get it twisted. Its not the I feel all high and mighty about myself and not willing to share. Its just that I've given so much before and received to little in return, why should I give more now?

If you think I have a lot of hate, you are absolutely right, I do. I might surpass my brother's hate. But I'm going to let that become my motivation something positive and let success be a reason for shitting on people. Bad, I know.

I guess how I feel right now is

"A lot of niggaz scheamin, some real, some niggaz frontin

But I'm a big dreamer, so watch me come up with somethin"

Women.....they want a guy like me but not me

So I'm at the point I'm done with women in the sense of caring for them. Its come to the point where its going to be along the lines of 'fuck'em and leave em don't have em as friends'. Yes I like the word 'em'.

TTime

Always calls me bitching out her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/w.e they are now and just can't move on. Her problem is she can't bear the thought of being alone and knows its going to hurt but wants to stay in a relationship because it hurts less. But if it were to come to dating me its wouldn't happen. But then she can say "I want to date a guy that is smart and geeky but has a cool funny side, like you." Too bad I'm in the friend zone. Stay with your ex and stop bothering me. Movin on, next.

Carolina

Meet this broad at a club......I like the word broad, its almost like bitch without but without the stinger. Anyway we meet at the club and sorta hit it off. For the pervs wondering no we did not have sex. So we have a few phone conversations and go out on a date/hangout type thing and it goes well. The conversation is there. She admits she is attracted to me, she loves the vibe and loves the conversation and just wants to have me as just friend....strike out again. Stop calling just to talk, don't have time. Movin on, next.

KK

Everything was good. She knew I had a feeling but we were just chill as friends. Then she asked me out which through me for a loop. So I spent that night she asked me thinking about and how I would adjust myself and stop chasing after girls and just be with her. When it comes time to talk, she can't talk directly too me and it has to be done over text and then she comes with the "sorry I was just lonely and drunk and that's why I asked you. I'm only attracted to girls now and we can only be friends". If it was just sex I wouldn't have minded by the fact that she asked out put my frame of mind in a completely different place. Its more like thanks for using me as a part of your loneliness.Movin on, next.

Spice

Selling drugs, wants to trip. We got into arguement over it. She said fuck you, blocked me out completely and thats there is to say. Movin on, next.

And then there are the others. Ms. Body Builder who wanted to have sex with me and let me bitch about my ex but somehow that turned into her bitching about her ex, crying in my arms and then not wanting to have sex. The wife that wanted to cheat and was going to with me, we talked and then she suddenly wanted to work it out with her husband...but cheats with another guy later on. The cougar who wanted to screw me but then ended up liking me as friend, wants to play gin all the time, buys me clothes but no sex. And the list goes on.

So at this point I'm like fuck it. Forget being nice and actually empathizing and understanding standing people. Forget your morals about not getting girls drunk to fuck them. Forget about caring. Everyone has reason but enough reasons become like asshole, everyone has one. Women are hoes simple as that and either your fucking or leaving, no in between. Good bye :)

Its probably just me in the end, oh well.

Spiral Downards- Why Should I care

To actually take a moment to protect certain people, I'm not using real names in this blog so lets say this persons name is spice.

So I hadn't talked to Spice in a while, she is always busy, running around, etc etc etc. So I get to talk to her on FB for a few minutes on night and she is like "I'll be out and back, some guy is coming here to pick up some bud." So I know she smokes weed, w/e and a friend is coming over to pick up some.

She comes back on, we talk for like 3 minutes before another guy comes to pick up some more weed. So I ask, "what are you a drug dealer?" And her response....yes.

I'm not sure how to take that at first so I just don't comment on it. Then she starts talking about how her and friend want to start stripping...wtf really? Why are you doing this? Are you poor? No she's fine actually she just wants money to go to europe. Ok got it. So your putting yourself ask risk for jail time, a permanent record, disrespecting yourself, having no pride and dignity for chump change.

So safe to say we got into an arguement. Her defense,

• I'm narrow minded
• Its not as bad as selling cocaine so its not that bad
• Getting caught isn't that big of a risk
• Selling drugs or stripping doesn't make you any less respectable
• Some of the smartest people like my the guy who I was talking to(Bob lets say) do the same
• Your standards are just to high

Really? Wtf are you smoking? And my response is like

• Who do you hangout with that thinks all of this is alright(you are the company you keep)
• So if your rob a store of $10 instead of $100 is not that bad
• Your 21, it still goes on your adult permanent record
• Doesn't make you less respectable? Ok how about you go tell your mom and dad and see how proud they are of you, put it on your resume, and try to find a good decent boyfriend
• Oh right, smartest people you know, that must make him Einstein. Isn't this the same guy also that wouldn't commit you and left and didn't seem to care
• When all is said in done, my standards of having self-respect, pride, diginity and things in those realm are a little bit on the high side(pun intended).

Its like watching a train wreck. She goes from smoking, to smoking 3 times a day, to becoming a drug dealer, then stripping. Its like whats next. Of course she doesn't see herself getting progressively worse. And it ended with me being blocked on facebook and told to fuck off. So I continued to try and talk to her through text. It may have gotten a little better but her way of thinking is definitely off.

And here comes the kicker. Why do I care? I've been so much time in the past caring for other people and their problems. Even when they said fuck off and hated me I still supported them until they got through. I've never abandoned anyone.

But recently I've realized if I have problems and go through shit, I will be dropped in a heart. I've already been fucked over, left to fend for myself, distant, forgetton etc and its like why should I care for anyone at this point when your just going to turn your back on me eventually.

So I'm leaning towards saying fuck it. Go your way and don't come back.

Done...Once again lol, I can only laugh and cry at the same time

So once again Ginger kicked me out her life.

Oh well. Now that I really look back, she does have major issues that will require major therapy if she is ever going to be right.

If her 'friends' really had the right idea about what is in her best interest, they would stop her. Like what kind of friend lets their best friend lose their virginity to a 35 year old married man with two kids on the first night being with him? What kind of friends let you just sleep with a guy who has herpes? SERIOUSLY. With friends like that, who needs enemies.

And now with this teacher, she knows it a short term thing She looks at all guys as short term things so nothing she does really matters. What is the difference between that and hoe? Just going from guy to guy.

But this 33 year old english teacher she is into now. What kind a 33 year old professor and a 19 year old freshman be doing together? They are at completely different stages in life. And really is like a man swooing a young girl. But of course the young woman can't see that. And her reason is because she is lonely.

And simple test of right and wrong is can you bring it up in public? Can you talk about it a dinner party?
"yea I slept and dated my professor who was 14 years older than me".

She says she has standards but I have yet too see one standard of hers. Any guy that goes after it she likes. Which goes back to being lonely. Being with someone for a brief moment to fulfill your loneliness isn't solving a problem but making a bigger one. When she meets someone she really loves, how is he going to take all of this? Many guys would realize she has issues....Many guys would....

How many guys will she continue to throw herself at? How many people will she sleep with that she shouldn't? Will she ever have any real morals, ethics or standards? What caused her to be this way? All questions that are not for me but for her and will go unanswered for the rest of her life probably.

But I'm not offering my advice to her anymore because she doesn't want to hear someone who won't agree with her. Someone would stand against her and tell her to really examine what you are doing and is this truly a good path to take. She has to look at her self and face the fucked up decisions to she moves apast everything like its nothing.

She really hasn't changed at all but I shouldn't have expected any different.

Coincidence vs Hitsuzen

Coincidence is the noteworthy alignment of two or more events or circumstances without obvious causal connection.

BUT

"Coincidence is but an illusion in this world. There is inevitability in everything."

The concept coined as Hitsuzen, but has been known more as description like, "Everything happens to further some ends. There is a purpose to each act that happens no matter how 'random' it appears to us. Coincidence is a coping mechanism made by the mind to help us accept and move on from an event we cannot understand."

To break it down into simplier terms, every event that happens has a meaning. But it is rare that someone can understand the meaning to each and every event. And it actually vexes the mind to try and understand each and every event and how it relates to each person. Therefore the mind compensates of the lack of understanding with the term coincidence.

For example, it is not coincidence that you meet someone in the same store. There is a connection that both of of you have that is not realized that brings you to the same store. It is an inevititable that both of you would meet up, just the chances at a particular time changes. But regarldess of the chance there is still a connection that both of you have.

Of course once a person realizes the connection they can no longer go back in not knowing. They then have to make a choice, and the next step is whatever action or lack of action they choose.

Our beliefs and how we live our lives help us understand what goes on around us and what goes on within us. It ultimately will lead to whether we accept hitsuzen or coincidence, which will affect the choices we make in our lives and how events in our lives affect us.

Ginger and Me: Episode 1001 Part V

So I'm back to talking to Ginger in some form again. And really I'm not sure where this is going or where I want it to go.

The good thing is she seems to be aware and willing to now admit that she isn't the perfect person. Like she opened saying she doesn't do well under pressure, which was one thing that seperated us in our relationship. I thrive under pressure and do better, she tends to fall apart.Yet there was a lot of things we both did wrong. Niether of us are perfect. But she has shown growth in the ability to admit and open up about tthat, which is good.

But I'm hesitant on letting her back in because I feel things might like before. When we don't fight we work together fine. But when a problem comes up, I end up having to deal with things by myself instead of each of being responsible for our own actions. And I don't want to feel that again, just left feeling like all the blame and responsibility is on me.I'm not sure how much she has changed and grew and if she ready for that. Or if she even wants that.

Well at this point there is indication where our conversation is heading, but is going good so far. Its hard to tell because some of the best relationships go through DEEP shit, but its okay if you can look back and laugh, learn from it, and grow with it.

So its an I don't know to what I want and what she wants.

I See How My Brother Felt About Some Women

It takes year later with experience too sometimes I understand what someone else said before.

In this case, it hows my brother felt about a woman. He use to spend a lot of time and every night with her but he always use to say, "I can't say with her." I use to wonder why he couldn't be with her. He liked her, spent time with her, they had a good relationship so what was the problem?

Years later I see what he means, and I see it now with Toya. Me and her have a good relationship where we can talk, have fun, have sex, etc. But it takes more than that to be in a relationship. She says she wants to know stay at her job working at her financial institution. She says her manager makes a lot of time of money and wants to get to her status, but doesn't have a clue how much she makes. When I ask her how does she know, she says she's just heard. Then she says $15 an hour is good money and $30,000 a year is ok to live of off. Those are her dreams/goals.

Then I notice I can't talk to her about what I'm doing beyond just listening and I realize she isn't that smart. She's a very nice and sweet person but she is the kind of person that would drag me down with her. I already know I wouldn't be able to grow with her so that is why I can't be in a relationship with her.

Same thing for Ernest girlfriend Sarah. She says she would be happy being a film editor for the rest of her life. So those are your dreams and goals? Thats it? So much for being a dynamic person, your so one dimensional and small.

So there are people not always for who they are but how they think which prevents from being in a relationship with me. I know understand what Jaime meant.

IBM- Day 1

Your environment plays a role in your development.

I can't help but realize this at IBM. First day has gone by and I really can't seem to spot any weak minded people. Everyone seems intellectually there, or should I say up to a certain level. And I feel more comfortable in this environment. Its like I have people to talk too and they understand and have a response beyond "uh, ok".

One thing that has been crossing my mind is the question of is this fate/destiny/ was eventually going to happen. Me ending up in such an environment of people, was it eventually inevitable, was it more than my actions that put myself here? If I was someone else, or thought differently, would I be somewhere else or could I end up at the same spot? At this point I think I can answer that it was inevitable that I end up at such a location because who you are partly guides you in where you go. And when I say partly I mean a large part and of course there are other components such as luck, timing, past experiences/accomplishments, etc. So that does answer my other question which is no, if I was someone else and thought differently, then I would not be here.

But of course its only the first day and I have to wait and see beyond the first impressions people throw out.

One thing that has begun to scare me the most is the fact that my options are becoming smaller. And when I say smaller as in new options are opening up but I'm at a level where I can no longer just go back. What I mean by this is because of my position and pay at IBM, I can no longer work at a job such as Trader Joe's, Java City and definitely not Burger King. But those are all minial jobs. I also can't go back and work at entry level jobs such as help desk. Its like I'm above those standards now and to fall back on those would be like taking a huge step back, something I seldom do. I generally keep moving forward.

So hopefully I can find a new class of options to look into. I really am on the fast track now.

As Daemion said, "The sky is the limit for you".

Sarah and My Feelings

I wonder how Sarah really feels about me?

I keep thinking about her even though I try not too. How much time do we actually spend together?

There was the whole weekend at Myrtle Beach. Literally 3 days just me and her. Eating, clubbing, sleeping and cookies for breakfast. Went shopping, cooked dinner, look at bikes. And then we come back and spend a lot of time together. I'm surpised her girlfriend is not jealous.

But I'm at such a point where...I want to tell her how I feel about her, but I'm worried about a few things. The first and most obvious is the rejection that the feeling is not the same. But what worries the most, still, is ruining the friendship that we have. So I just won't tell her how I feel and keep some distance so the feelings don't grow.

But thats so hard when we always hang out.

IQ Test

My IQ is 140

Well atleast according to the IQ test I took.

IBM said I got the job primaraly how I did on the IPATO test.

Does that mean I'm a lil bit smart?

White Nieghborhood- Black People

This is why I can't live with black people.

We've moved across town to a predominatly white neighborhood. You can tell it is white just by how the yards look, the cars that are driven, the atmosphere. I have yet to see another black family/college students in here.

So being the only black family in the community, you would think it is best to keep a low profile. Find out how things work first, what the rules are and such. Then you can begin to do things such as test the rules and what people will do.

NOT THESE NIGGERS.

Excuse me for my lack of better words but thats the only way I can describe them right now. From a white perpesctive, image a black group moves in and then they have visitors come to the house everyday, take other people's parking spots, and are roity. Simply put, it doesn't look good.

It doesn't look good to be standing the in the front lawn with 6 other black people, yelling and cursing. I don't they they obviously realize how loud they are. And please stop screaming 'nigga' outside.

And then you have to take consideration of who lives around us. Our neighbors are: A white couple with a dog next dog, probably mid-40's across the street. A white family, two daughters and a son next door with a mom and dad. Another white couple next door to us, around their 30's. A white mail next door who works in the movie/entertainment business, and a old lady who lives across the street and has a dog.

Now, do you think those people really want to hear that? Be around? Just simply put yourself in the other person's shoes.

So they can't just throw us out the nieghorhood. But what they can do is get us where we have done something wrong. So now they want to fine us for the parking situation. They will watch us closely and fine every offense we do until

A) They find something new to fine us on
B) We stopping acting like niggers and start parking right
C) We move out

And knowing the people I live with, this isn't going to end well.

IBM

So my internships at IBM begins soon. Before I even start, lets check the benefits/accomplishments.

Me getting in was not based off my GPA. My GPA is a 2.9, not impressive, not bad, but not at IBM is looking for. What got me in was

1.) Connections
My friend on the track team let me talk to her dad who works there who first got my foot in the door.
2.) Experience and Accomplishments
My past experience and accomplishments say that I am very motivated and have some skill, and a high ability to learn new stuff.
3.)IPAT Test
IBMS infamous test. They say there is no pass or fail but thats a lie, it determines how smart you are. And apparently I did so well my GPA was no longer a factor.

So thats how I got in. Congrats. Now I have to start planning my next steps.

I've come to discover that good planning one of the keys to success.

I need to take as much as I can from this internship IBM is a world known country, there is tons I can learn on how to do things. First is how they set up their business structure. From hiring to firing employees, mananging money, and most importantly the services they provide what people want and need.

Then comes growth within myself. How do my interpersonal skills grow, ways of thinking change, understanding of concepts became more grande. I'm looking forward for big things with this internship.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

Its good looking back at things to see how you've changed. Its like going full circle.

Training at Iona

Training at Iona college was probably one of the best choices I've made thus far in my life. It gave me a whole new perspective on running and I did some of the best running I've done in my entire life.

Coming from a predominatly sprint school down south to a distance school up north is a huge difference. The obvious difference is the types of runners and climate. But then there is the difference is mentality and desire.

UNC Wilmington is a school compromised of mostly Sprinter. Fast guys who like working out in the weight room, what I was originally. To them, 3 miles would be considered a work-out. At Iona, it was distance guys who had endurance that could last a mile. With an average 70 miles per week, that means each day guys when atleast 10 miles. But it was generally split up to they may go 13 one day and 7 another. And of course the climate. Wilmington winter is 50 degrees compared to running in sub freezing wheater that freezes your skin as you run. FUN!!!! But these difference gave in how people think and work.

Distance runners definetly have a harder work ethic than sprinters. As the say goes, go the distance and that means both literally and figuratively. And doing that distance becomes tough because it both energy consuming and very time consuming. It takes a lot mental strength and disciple to push yourself. Luckily you don't have to do it alone.

But the most important thing I learned was the mindset of a champion. In Wilmington, winning conference is the goal. But at Iona, the important thing was winning Nationals. They go there, and tell themselves all year that they are going to nationals. And they do. The plan and execution. The mindset and willpower to do so. Thats probably the most important thing I learned, the menality. If you plan on doing something, tell yourself your going to do it, set a plan of how to do it, and then execute. If you truly believe in yourself, then there is nothing that can stop anyone from accomplishing their goals. I've always said fate is something on creates, and there are people who do just that, I do just that.

Ginger- Love to Hate

Its amazing how good relationships can just go so bad. In the case of Ginger, it happened just like that, on both sides. Even though she will deny and claim to forget it all, I remember deep down the things that were said. But the point of this is how I look back and have grown from them, not necessarily what happened.

I knew that things where going to end like it did between us a long time before it actually happened. The reasons being the kind of person she is and how things happen in life. People always say the boyfriend/girlfriend you go into college with you will not have years later. I tried to fight that and I tried to fight all her problems and my own. It came to the point I realize that I couldn't fight everything alone. But the real reason came down to how our lives differed.

She has grown up in Edgemont her whole life, and that says a lot. I haven't, and I've had a sense of what the real world has been like since I was young. I've experience, love, hate, lost, fights, life and death way before she has. Infact I don't think she realizes how much she's grown with me. For example, the religion she know claims, non-demonationial Christian, she first learned about from me even though I doubt she remembers. So basically how experiences in the past of set us worlds apart and college doesn't make it better but 10x worse.

What is learned is that in a relationship, I need someone who has a good amount of experience and knows how to deal with me. No relationship is going to ever be perfect but if the person is honest, sincere, understanding, and willing, then it can work. They have to able to compromise and realize everything will not always go the way want and realize they will have to make sacrifice. Even though I've never lost my temper like I have with anyone else, I realize that at times I need to control my temper and not say/do things that I might regret later out of angry emotion. This is what I'm piecing together because never tells me what I do wrong or why things happen.

Its better to love and lost than to have never loved at all, because you learn. Sometimes it hard to remember if you ever really loved the person. But if you look back hard enough at what was said and did, it was once there no matter how much a person denys the truth as a defense mechansim.

And Ginger, I know you still read this from time to time. So if you got something to say, don't be so afraid to say it, step up, and speak your mind.

Internship

Its funny how you go out into the real world and realize in school you've learned a whole lot of nothing. Or in school, the direction your going in now is not that you want to take. I realized both in one internship.

When people go into computer science, the first thing they think is that they are going to be programming. When you get out o college, you want to find a job that will hire to write programs. Whether it be in pascal, c, c++, java or whatever language it required. The funny thing is, there is so much more to computer science than programming. And thats how the Internship with Universal Remote Control opened my mind up.

With a major in computer science, I can do other things like System Administration, Networking, Help Desk, the possibility really do become endless. If you stop to think about, a computer is invovled in every aspect of our lives today. Even just taking a look at your cell phone should say somthing. With so many possiblites, I don't want to be stuck in a cubicle typing things. I want to get out and do things, meet people, see stuff.

So its strange. Now I head forward with no direction what so ever. I keep pushing become stronger and smarteer and mor valuable but I have no real clue what I want to do with my life, but I know what I don't want to do.

Return to School

Like A Friend

You know, good relationships begin with good friendships. But the problem is that ends the friendship.

With Sarah and I, I noticed my feelings started changing towards her, like I began to like her as more than a friend. And as we hang out more often, I noticed I began to like her more and more. Now I can't even second guess my own emotions, I really do like her.

But I don't want to like her.

She is the first friend as a girl who I've felt so close with. Besides Ginger who was a friend with benefits who I felt was like my best friend sometimes, Sarah is the closest friend as a girl with no sexual interaction. And I want to keep that, I like it. I don't want things getting all confrontational between us and then have us stop talking. Plus, she gets bored with people and then breaks up.

The upside is Sarah is mostly lesbain even though she does date guys occasionally. And she also has a girlfriend who she cares about a lot.

So I have to distance myself from her so my feeling can return to normal for her. And hopefully on her part I'm just a friend so it doesn't go anywhere else.

My Life This Past Year

I'm going to write about my life this past year and the events that defined me even more, with the topics being

• Ginger-Love & Hate


• The Internship


• Training at Iona


• The Return to School

Her Last Email

Her Last email
"it's predictible because you just got on the attack. you say you forgive me but you're being rude and sarcastic with me now. the only reason i dont' forgive you is because i know what you think of me and i see you as condescending and arrogant. and not as smart as you think. i'm not ready to forgive that yet. so i won't block you as long as you leave me alone, which i think you will, if you've truly forgiven me. if youw ant the last word, cuz you think i always insist on having it, then go ahead. its yours. say one more thing."

She also calls me condescending.

If she truly has matured and grown then should could put me in my place and show me she's deserve the respect of being treated as an equal. Make me feel like I have no right to be condesecnding. Many point in my life, people treated me like I didn't deserve a certain respect, so I step up to them and show them the opposite. But I spent most my life outside of Edgemont so I'm more accustomed to the real world and realize I will have to do this time and time again. Me earning my respect is what is getting me the Internship at IBM, not my GPA. I don't know if she can and she probably won't. Again, not my problem though, everyone has their limitations.

And just thought, that is what has seperated us. When someone says I can't do something, that motivates me to prove them wrong, its like a challenge. You test me and I will answer and try to beat any expectations set before me.

In her case, she does not like being tested or challenged. She would always get mad at me when she thought I was testing in, in which many times I wasn't. And its not be mean or condescending, but its true.

Maybe I should just try to be nice and just apologize and be sincere. Communication without sarcasim, belittling hidden meaning or agendas. Just real honest communication. Thats something else I need to work up to. Gotta remember what I said in my last my post.

Regardless of how I feel about a person, if they show me they deserve respect, then they will get respect. If you want it but can't earn it, then why do you deserve it.

But I do feel bad of some of things I do say about her and I probably shouldn't. She does take things in stride though. I've always noticed that she may not be very sensitive towards how someone else may feel, but she herself and her feelings, she is sensitive. Maybe if she showed me she was sensitve a little bit more often instead of always trying to play tough girl, maybe I would have understood when I was hurting her and would have stopped. It takes a strong person to say, "what you said really hurt me". But if the points are true, can you really not like a person for saying it? It may really matter how everything is said. The one thing she has to learn and understand that forgiving me and not hating me is not going to be easy. It wasn't easy for me. Once she understands that and accepts it then she will be able too. The choice between what is right versus what is easy is never something easy, if it was then everybody would just do it. Thats probably more along the lines of what I should have said to her last night.

"Its my turn,
I demand my respect,
Give me my burn,
or get slammed to your neck."

Last Hurdle with Ginger

Having hate in your heart, regardless if you think about it or not, weighs a person down. I realized that even if I wasn't thinking about what happened between me and Ginger, the hate in my heart was affecting me. And when I finally decided to face myself and forgive her, and no longer hate her, it was like this invisible burden had been lifted.Its like feeling more at peace with yourself. I guess if you hate someone, whether you truly admit it to yourself or not, it still does affect you.

"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”

When I look back, I realize the reason why I harrassed her was because I wanted some sort of ending. Whether it would be a good one or some sort of fight, I wanted an ending rather than just not saying anything. She's never fought with me in person, once over the phone, and rarely online. Most fights would have to be through letters or on facebook, the most covert way possible. And I realized that I wanted a real fight, I wanted her to for once really stand up to me. When I say fight, I mean not a literal fight where we get physical, but a real arguement where you can see the other persons anger. When you stand their and actually yell at each other. When things are said on the moment and you can't hide how you feel through some letter. There is something about those arguements that have a climax and then the eventual letting go of tension. But I then realized that would happen no matter what I did, she's not the type of person to face things head on, and its mostly because of her past. Even if she does read my blog from time to time even today, I know she won't say anything because she's not that kind of person to face me directly.

Its taken me time to get over my anger and sort through my emotions. I realized that at times my heart, I should say resolve, became weak. I knew the difference between right and wrong and I choose to do wrong because no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, it was never the same response. So the logic became, if they can't do right by me, why should I even do right by them? And that was wrong because it showed I had a strong heart with good intentions, but it failed under a certain amount of pressure. Thats when my anger turned to hate.

So I've come to my new resolve to do right, regardless of the circumstances. That means regardless of how people choose to treat me, who I am around, and even how it will affect me. If I am someday going to be part of changing the world for the better, I have to be strong about things.

The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.

I'm sorta glad Karl told me what she did after Ginger flipped a shit on him for being proven wrong. She's always hated being wrong and accepting that her ideas maybe wrong. She's too weak to stand up and fight for them or accept that they might be flawed. We both agreed, she comes from a very sheltered environment in Edgemont. Edgemont is about the farthest place from the real world a kid can be and it funny because the kids think they are learning a wealth of knowledge but the teachers know the kids really know nothing. My question has been, why make those kids so delusional and sheltered? Anyway, Karl also noticed she had other issues about her, those being with anger and self delusion. I also can't believe she would get the whole A-School involved between us. I also find it funny to that she claims to give them the full story and says she is unbiased. Self delusional. She will keep telling herself that everything she did is because she didn't care, which up to a large point wasn't always true and certainly does not jusifty things. Self delusional. I told him don't talk about morals, god or actually following through with them. She's not the kind of person who lives up to things and will make every excuse not too.

Thats also one reason why I dislike Christians. They follow Christianity whenever they want to(most of the time breaking the rules of what they believe for their own selfish desires) and when they feel they are wrong, they just merely ask for forgiveness and thats the end. How pathetic. And I was also telling him, she may say leave me alone, but she ALWAYS has to try and get the last word in, and she'll only say it when she realizes she is losing. She's still an immature kid, I knew she wouldn't change. No one can in Edgemont. Good job in making enemies. He even got her to admit that she hated me. The funniest thing I find is how she gave him my screen name but then turns around and claims she forgot doing that. Now someone can see what I was talking about. But alas, thats not my problem.

In the end, she doesn't have know to full story of what really happened and doesn't care to, so I won't have to explain it or tell it. Nor will she realize the impacts or true results/aim. But thats something completely different. My next step for myself is to tell her I forgive her and no longer hate her. And when she says nothing, then I have to accept that and keep moving with a strong heart. Those are her faults and not mine, and to become stronger, I need to be stronger than both of ours.

The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.

To Question Reality

Humans are ruled by their minds.

Sight, hearing, touch,

Ultimately, the senses are but a feeble gleam inside the mind.

The world in which people believe in cannot be trust.

Inside your mind, everything easily changes shape. Meaning changes.

There are as many truths as there are people.

What is emptiness? What is reality? What is death? What is life?

Drunk Hook-Up

Maybe I'm to nice. I could have stayed and probably hooked up with Kanh since she was drunk, but I really didn't want too, not my style.

Plus I may really like this girl. We had fun we she stopped by my house for her to fix my computer and then we went out to jungle rapids. Even though it was kid games, she admitted she had fun. So really I guess she is a person I can have fun with doing anything.

So if I really like this girl and possibly want a lasting relationship with her, why would I have our first hook up to be drunk? I'd rather is be the night we had dinner together, our an amusement park. Something nice, not do you remember our first kiss when we were shit faced?

So because of that, I left early. I never really have hooked up with drunk girls. Its never really been my style to do that or to even really drink in that matter. I prefer a hook-up to be because a girl really wants and can do it without being under some influence.