I wonder how Sarah really feels about me?
I keep thinking about her even though I try not too. How much time do we actually spend together?
There was the whole weekend at Myrtle Beach. Literally 3 days just me and her. Eating, clubbing, sleeping and cookies for breakfast. Went shopping, cooked dinner, look at bikes. And then we come back and spend a lot of time together. I'm surpised her girlfriend is not jealous.
But I'm at such a point where...I want to tell her how I feel about her, but I'm worried about a few things. The first and most obvious is the rejection that the feeling is not the same. But what worries the most, still, is ruining the friendship that we have. So I just won't tell her how I feel and keep some distance so the feelings don't grow.
But thats so hard when we always hang out.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
IQ Test
My IQ is 140
Well atleast according to the IQ test I took.
IBM said I got the job primaraly how I did on the IPATO test.
Does that mean I'm a lil bit smart?
Well atleast according to the IQ test I took.
IBM said I got the job primaraly how I did on the IPATO test.
Does that mean I'm a lil bit smart?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
White Nieghborhood- Black People
This is why I can't live with black people.
We've moved across town to a predominatly white neighborhood. You can tell it is white just by how the yards look, the cars that are driven, the atmosphere. I have yet to see another black family/college students in here.
So being the only black family in the community, you would think it is best to keep a low profile. Find out how things work first, what the rules are and such. Then you can begin to do things such as test the rules and what people will do.
NOT THESE NIGGERS.
Excuse me for my lack of better words but thats the only way I can describe them right now. From a white perpesctive, image a black group moves in and then they have visitors come to the house everyday, take other people's parking spots, and are roity. Simply put, it doesn't look good.
It doesn't look good to be standing the in the front lawn with 6 other black people, yelling and cursing. I don't they they obviously realize how loud they are. And please stop screaming 'nigga' outside.
And then you have to take consideration of who lives around us. Our neighbors are: A white couple with a dog next dog, probably mid-40's across the street. A white family, two daughters and a son next door with a mom and dad. Another white couple next door to us, around their 30's. A white mail next door who works in the movie/entertainment business, and a old lady who lives across the street and has a dog.
Now, do you think those people really want to hear that? Be around? Just simply put yourself in the other person's shoes.
So they can't just throw us out the nieghorhood. But what they can do is get us where we have done something wrong. So now they want to fine us for the parking situation. They will watch us closely and fine every offense we do until
A) They find something new to fine us on
B) We stopping acting like niggers and start parking right
C) We move out
And knowing the people I live with, this isn't going to end well.
We've moved across town to a predominatly white neighborhood. You can tell it is white just by how the yards look, the cars that are driven, the atmosphere. I have yet to see another black family/college students in here.
So being the only black family in the community, you would think it is best to keep a low profile. Find out how things work first, what the rules are and such. Then you can begin to do things such as test the rules and what people will do.
NOT THESE NIGGERS.
Excuse me for my lack of better words but thats the only way I can describe them right now. From a white perpesctive, image a black group moves in and then they have visitors come to the house everyday, take other people's parking spots, and are roity. Simply put, it doesn't look good.
It doesn't look good to be standing the in the front lawn with 6 other black people, yelling and cursing. I don't they they obviously realize how loud they are. And please stop screaming 'nigga' outside.
And then you have to take consideration of who lives around us. Our neighbors are: A white couple with a dog next dog, probably mid-40's across the street. A white family, two daughters and a son next door with a mom and dad. Another white couple next door to us, around their 30's. A white mail next door who works in the movie/entertainment business, and a old lady who lives across the street and has a dog.
Now, do you think those people really want to hear that? Be around? Just simply put yourself in the other person's shoes.
So they can't just throw us out the nieghorhood. But what they can do is get us where we have done something wrong. So now they want to fine us for the parking situation. They will watch us closely and fine every offense we do until
A) They find something new to fine us on
B) We stopping acting like niggers and start parking right
C) We move out
And knowing the people I live with, this isn't going to end well.
Monday, May 19, 2008
IBM
So my internships at IBM begins soon. Before I even start, lets check the benefits/accomplishments.
Me getting in was not based off my GPA. My GPA is a 2.9, not impressive, not bad, but not at IBM is looking for. What got me in was
1.) Connections
My friend on the track team let me talk to her dad who works there who first got my foot in the door.
2.) Experience and Accomplishments
My past experience and accomplishments say that I am very motivated and have some skill, and a high ability to learn new stuff.
3.)IPAT Test
IBMS infamous test. They say there is no pass or fail but thats a lie, it determines how smart you are. And apparently I did so well my GPA was no longer a factor.
So thats how I got in. Congrats. Now I have to start planning my next steps.
I've come to discover that good planning one of the keys to success.
I need to take as much as I can from this internship IBM is a world known country, there is tons I can learn on how to do things. First is how they set up their business structure. From hiring to firing employees, mananging money, and most importantly the services they provide what people want and need.
Then comes growth within myself. How do my interpersonal skills grow, ways of thinking change, understanding of concepts became more grande. I'm looking forward for big things with this internship.
Me getting in was not based off my GPA. My GPA is a 2.9, not impressive, not bad, but not at IBM is looking for. What got me in was
1.) Connections
My friend on the track team let me talk to her dad who works there who first got my foot in the door.
2.) Experience and Accomplishments
My past experience and accomplishments say that I am very motivated and have some skill, and a high ability to learn new stuff.
3.)IPAT Test
IBMS infamous test. They say there is no pass or fail but thats a lie, it determines how smart you are. And apparently I did so well my GPA was no longer a factor.
So thats how I got in. Congrats. Now I have to start planning my next steps.
I've come to discover that good planning one of the keys to success.
I need to take as much as I can from this internship IBM is a world known country, there is tons I can learn on how to do things. First is how they set up their business structure. From hiring to firing employees, mananging money, and most importantly the services they provide what people want and need.
Then comes growth within myself. How do my interpersonal skills grow, ways of thinking change, understanding of concepts became more grande. I'm looking forward for big things with this internship.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself
Its good looking back at things to see how you've changed. Its like going full circle.
Training at Iona
Training at Iona college was probably one of the best choices I've made thus far in my life. It gave me a whole new perspective on running and I did some of the best running I've done in my entire life.
Coming from a predominatly sprint school down south to a distance school up north is a huge difference. The obvious difference is the types of runners and climate. But then there is the difference is mentality and desire.
UNC Wilmington is a school compromised of mostly Sprinter. Fast guys who like working out in the weight room, what I was originally. To them, 3 miles would be considered a work-out. At Iona, it was distance guys who had endurance that could last a mile. With an average 70 miles per week, that means each day guys when atleast 10 miles. But it was generally split up to they may go 13 one day and 7 another. And of course the climate. Wilmington winter is 50 degrees compared to running in sub freezing wheater that freezes your skin as you run. FUN!!!! But these difference gave in how people think and work.
Distance runners definetly have a harder work ethic than sprinters. As the say goes, go the distance and that means both literally and figuratively. And doing that distance becomes tough because it both energy consuming and very time consuming. It takes a lot mental strength and disciple to push yourself. Luckily you don't have to do it alone.
But the most important thing I learned was the mindset of a champion. In Wilmington, winning conference is the goal. But at Iona, the important thing was winning Nationals. They go there, and tell themselves all year that they are going to nationals. And they do. The plan and execution. The mindset and willpower to do so. Thats probably the most important thing I learned, the menality. If you plan on doing something, tell yourself your going to do it, set a plan of how to do it, and then execute. If you truly believe in yourself, then there is nothing that can stop anyone from accomplishing their goals. I've always said fate is something on creates, and there are people who do just that, I do just that.
Ginger- Love to Hate
Its amazing how good relationships can just go so bad. In the case of Ginger, it happened just like that, on both sides. Even though she will deny and claim to forget it all, I remember deep down the things that were said. But the point of this is how I look back and have grown from them, not necessarily what happened.
I knew that things where going to end like it did between us a long time before it actually happened. The reasons being the kind of person she is and how things happen in life. People always say the boyfriend/girlfriend you go into college with you will not have years later. I tried to fight that and I tried to fight all her problems and my own. It came to the point I realize that I couldn't fight everything alone. But the real reason came down to how our lives differed.
She has grown up in Edgemont her whole life, and that says a lot. I haven't, and I've had a sense of what the real world has been like since I was young. I've experience, love, hate, lost, fights, life and death way before she has. Infact I don't think she realizes how much she's grown with me. For example, the religion she know claims, non-demonationial Christian, she first learned about from me even though I doubt she remembers. So basically how experiences in the past of set us worlds apart and college doesn't make it better but 10x worse.
What is learned is that in a relationship, I need someone who has a good amount of experience and knows how to deal with me. No relationship is going to ever be perfect but if the person is honest, sincere, understanding, and willing, then it can work. They have to able to compromise and realize everything will not always go the way want and realize they will have to make sacrifice. Even though I've never lost my temper like I have with anyone else, I realize that at times I need to control my temper and not say/do things that I might regret later out of angry emotion. This is what I'm piecing together because never tells me what I do wrong or why things happen.
Its better to love and lost than to have never loved at all, because you learn. Sometimes it hard to remember if you ever really loved the person. But if you look back hard enough at what was said and did, it was once there no matter how much a person denys the truth as a defense mechansim.
And Ginger, I know you still read this from time to time. So if you got something to say, don't be so afraid to say it, step up, and speak your mind.
Internship
Its funny how you go out into the real world and realize in school you've learned a whole lot of nothing. Or in school, the direction your going in now is not that you want to take. I realized both in one internship.
When people go into computer science, the first thing they think is that they are going to be programming. When you get out o college, you want to find a job that will hire to write programs. Whether it be in pascal, c, c++, java or whatever language it required. The funny thing is, there is so much more to computer science than programming. And thats how the Internship with Universal Remote Control opened my mind up.
With a major in computer science, I can do other things like System Administration, Networking, Help Desk, the possibility really do become endless. If you stop to think about, a computer is invovled in every aspect of our lives today. Even just taking a look at your cell phone should say somthing. With so many possiblites, I don't want to be stuck in a cubicle typing things. I want to get out and do things, meet people, see stuff.
So its strange. Now I head forward with no direction what so ever. I keep pushing become stronger and smarteer and mor valuable but I have no real clue what I want to do with my life, but I know what I don't want to do.
Return to School
Training at Iona
Training at Iona college was probably one of the best choices I've made thus far in my life. It gave me a whole new perspective on running and I did some of the best running I've done in my entire life.
Coming from a predominatly sprint school down south to a distance school up north is a huge difference. The obvious difference is the types of runners and climate. But then there is the difference is mentality and desire.
UNC Wilmington is a school compromised of mostly Sprinter. Fast guys who like working out in the weight room, what I was originally. To them, 3 miles would be considered a work-out. At Iona, it was distance guys who had endurance that could last a mile. With an average 70 miles per week, that means each day guys when atleast 10 miles. But it was generally split up to they may go 13 one day and 7 another. And of course the climate. Wilmington winter is 50 degrees compared to running in sub freezing wheater that freezes your skin as you run. FUN!!!! But these difference gave in how people think and work.
Distance runners definetly have a harder work ethic than sprinters. As the say goes, go the distance and that means both literally and figuratively. And doing that distance becomes tough because it both energy consuming and very time consuming. It takes a lot mental strength and disciple to push yourself. Luckily you don't have to do it alone.
But the most important thing I learned was the mindset of a champion. In Wilmington, winning conference is the goal. But at Iona, the important thing was winning Nationals. They go there, and tell themselves all year that they are going to nationals. And they do. The plan and execution. The mindset and willpower to do so. Thats probably the most important thing I learned, the menality. If you plan on doing something, tell yourself your going to do it, set a plan of how to do it, and then execute. If you truly believe in yourself, then there is nothing that can stop anyone from accomplishing their goals. I've always said fate is something on creates, and there are people who do just that, I do just that.
Ginger- Love to Hate
Its amazing how good relationships can just go so bad. In the case of Ginger, it happened just like that, on both sides. Even though she will deny and claim to forget it all, I remember deep down the things that were said. But the point of this is how I look back and have grown from them, not necessarily what happened.
I knew that things where going to end like it did between us a long time before it actually happened. The reasons being the kind of person she is and how things happen in life. People always say the boyfriend/girlfriend you go into college with you will not have years later. I tried to fight that and I tried to fight all her problems and my own. It came to the point I realize that I couldn't fight everything alone. But the real reason came down to how our lives differed.
She has grown up in Edgemont her whole life, and that says a lot. I haven't, and I've had a sense of what the real world has been like since I was young. I've experience, love, hate, lost, fights, life and death way before she has. Infact I don't think she realizes how much she's grown with me. For example, the religion she know claims, non-demonationial Christian, she first learned about from me even though I doubt she remembers. So basically how experiences in the past of set us worlds apart and college doesn't make it better but 10x worse.
What is learned is that in a relationship, I need someone who has a good amount of experience and knows how to deal with me. No relationship is going to ever be perfect but if the person is honest, sincere, understanding, and willing, then it can work. They have to able to compromise and realize everything will not always go the way want and realize they will have to make sacrifice. Even though I've never lost my temper like I have with anyone else, I realize that at times I need to control my temper and not say/do things that I might regret later out of angry emotion. This is what I'm piecing together because never tells me what I do wrong or why things happen.
Its better to love and lost than to have never loved at all, because you learn. Sometimes it hard to remember if you ever really loved the person. But if you look back hard enough at what was said and did, it was once there no matter how much a person denys the truth as a defense mechansim.
And Ginger, I know you still read this from time to time. So if you got something to say, don't be so afraid to say it, step up, and speak your mind.
Internship
Its funny how you go out into the real world and realize in school you've learned a whole lot of nothing. Or in school, the direction your going in now is not that you want to take. I realized both in one internship.
When people go into computer science, the first thing they think is that they are going to be programming. When you get out o college, you want to find a job that will hire to write programs. Whether it be in pascal, c, c++, java or whatever language it required. The funny thing is, there is so much more to computer science than programming. And thats how the Internship with Universal Remote Control opened my mind up.
With a major in computer science, I can do other things like System Administration, Networking, Help Desk, the possibility really do become endless. If you stop to think about, a computer is invovled in every aspect of our lives today. Even just taking a look at your cell phone should say somthing. With so many possiblites, I don't want to be stuck in a cubicle typing things. I want to get out and do things, meet people, see stuff.
So its strange. Now I head forward with no direction what so ever. I keep pushing become stronger and smarteer and mor valuable but I have no real clue what I want to do with my life, but I know what I don't want to do.
Return to School
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Like A Friend
You know, good relationships begin with good friendships. But the problem is that ends the friendship.
With Sarah and I, I noticed my feelings started changing towards her, like I began to like her as more than a friend. And as we hang out more often, I noticed I began to like her more and more. Now I can't even second guess my own emotions, I really do like her.
But I don't want to like her.
She is the first friend as a girl who I've felt so close with. Besides Ginger who was a friend with benefits who I felt was like my best friend sometimes, Sarah is the closest friend as a girl with no sexual interaction. And I want to keep that, I like it. I don't want things getting all confrontational between us and then have us stop talking. Plus, she gets bored with people and then breaks up.
The upside is Sarah is mostly lesbain even though she does date guys occasionally. And she also has a girlfriend who she cares about a lot.
So I have to distance myself from her so my feeling can return to normal for her. And hopefully on her part I'm just a friend so it doesn't go anywhere else.
With Sarah and I, I noticed my feelings started changing towards her, like I began to like her as more than a friend. And as we hang out more often, I noticed I began to like her more and more. Now I can't even second guess my own emotions, I really do like her.
But I don't want to like her.
She is the first friend as a girl who I've felt so close with. Besides Ginger who was a friend with benefits who I felt was like my best friend sometimes, Sarah is the closest friend as a girl with no sexual interaction. And I want to keep that, I like it. I don't want things getting all confrontational between us and then have us stop talking. Plus, she gets bored with people and then breaks up.
The upside is Sarah is mostly lesbain even though she does date guys occasionally. And she also has a girlfriend who she cares about a lot.
So I have to distance myself from her so my feeling can return to normal for her. And hopefully on her part I'm just a friend so it doesn't go anywhere else.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My Life This Past Year
I'm going to write about my life this past year and the events that defined me even more, with the topics being
- Ginger-Love & Hate
- The Internship
- Training at Iona
- The Return to School
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Her Last Email
Her Last email
"it's predictible because you just got on the attack. you say you forgive me but you're being rude and sarcastic with me now. the only reason i dont' forgive you is because i know what you think of me and i see you as condescending and arrogant. and not as smart as you think. i'm not ready to forgive that yet. so i won't block you as long as you leave me alone, which i think you will, if you've truly forgiven me. if youw ant the last word, cuz you think i always insist on having it, then go ahead. its yours. say one more thing."
She also calls me condescending.
If she truly has matured and grown then should could put me in my place and show me she's deserve the respect of being treated as an equal. Make me feel like I have no right to be condesecnding. Many point in my life, people treated me like I didn't deserve a certain respect, so I step up to them and show them the opposite. But I spent most my life outside of Edgemont so I'm more accustomed to the real world and realize I will have to do this time and time again. Me earning my respect is what is getting me the Internship at IBM, not my GPA. I don't know if she can and she probably won't. Again, not my problem though, everyone has their limitations.
And just thought, that is what has seperated us. When someone says I can't do something, that motivates me to prove them wrong, its like a challenge. You test me and I will answer and try to beat any expectations set before me.
In her case, she does not like being tested or challenged. She would always get mad at me when she thought I was testing in, in which many times I wasn't. And its not be mean or condescending, but its true.
Maybe I should just try to be nice and just apologize and be sincere. Communication without sarcasim, belittling hidden meaning or agendas. Just real honest communication. Thats something else I need to work up to. Gotta remember what I said in my last my post.
Regardless of how I feel about a person, if they show me they deserve respect, then they will get respect. If you want it but can't earn it, then why do you deserve it.
But I do feel bad of some of things I do say about her and I probably shouldn't. She does take things in stride though. I've always noticed that she may not be very sensitive towards how someone else may feel, but she herself and her feelings, she is sensitive. Maybe if she showed me she was sensitve a little bit more often instead of always trying to play tough girl, maybe I would have understood when I was hurting her and would have stopped. It takes a strong person to say, "what you said really hurt me". But if the points are true, can you really not like a person for saying it? It may really matter how everything is said. The one thing she has to learn and understand that forgiving me and not hating me is not going to be easy. It wasn't easy for me. Once she understands that and accepts it then she will be able too. The choice between what is right versus what is easy is never something easy, if it was then everybody would just do it. Thats probably more along the lines of what I should have said to her last night.
"Its my turn,
I demand my respect,
Give me my burn,
or get slammed to your neck."
"it's predictible because you just got on the attack. you say you forgive me but you're being rude and sarcastic with me now. the only reason i dont' forgive you is because i know what you think of me and i see you as condescending and arrogant. and not as smart as you think. i'm not ready to forgive that yet. so i won't block you as long as you leave me alone, which i think you will, if you've truly forgiven me. if youw ant the last word, cuz you think i always insist on having it, then go ahead. its yours. say one more thing."
She also calls me condescending.
If she truly has matured and grown then should could put me in my place and show me she's deserve the respect of being treated as an equal. Make me feel like I have no right to be condesecnding. Many point in my life, people treated me like I didn't deserve a certain respect, so I step up to them and show them the opposite. But I spent most my life outside of Edgemont so I'm more accustomed to the real world and realize I will have to do this time and time again. Me earning my respect is what is getting me the Internship at IBM, not my GPA. I don't know if she can and she probably won't. Again, not my problem though, everyone has their limitations.
And just thought, that is what has seperated us. When someone says I can't do something, that motivates me to prove them wrong, its like a challenge. You test me and I will answer and try to beat any expectations set before me.
In her case, she does not like being tested or challenged. She would always get mad at me when she thought I was testing in, in which many times I wasn't. And its not be mean or condescending, but its true.
Maybe I should just try to be nice and just apologize and be sincere. Communication without sarcasim, belittling hidden meaning or agendas. Just real honest communication. Thats something else I need to work up to. Gotta remember what I said in my last my post.
Regardless of how I feel about a person, if they show me they deserve respect, then they will get respect. If you want it but can't earn it, then why do you deserve it.
But I do feel bad of some of things I do say about her and I probably shouldn't. She does take things in stride though. I've always noticed that she may not be very sensitive towards how someone else may feel, but she herself and her feelings, she is sensitive. Maybe if she showed me she was sensitve a little bit more often instead of always trying to play tough girl, maybe I would have understood when I was hurting her and would have stopped. It takes a strong person to say, "what you said really hurt me". But if the points are true, can you really not like a person for saying it? It may really matter how everything is said. The one thing she has to learn and understand that forgiving me and not hating me is not going to be easy. It wasn't easy for me. Once she understands that and accepts it then she will be able too. The choice between what is right versus what is easy is never something easy, if it was then everybody would just do it. Thats probably more along the lines of what I should have said to her last night.
"Its my turn,
I demand my respect,
Give me my burn,
or get slammed to your neck."
Last Hurdle with Ginger
Having hate in your heart, regardless if you think about it or not, weighs a person down. I realized that even if I wasn't thinking about what happened between me and Ginger, the hate in my heart was affecting me. And when I finally decided to face myself and forgive her, and no longer hate her, it was like this invisible burden had been lifted.Its like feeling more at peace with yourself. I guess if you hate someone, whether you truly admit it to yourself or not, it still does affect you.
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”
When I look back, I realize the reason why I harrassed her was because I wanted some sort of ending. Whether it would be a good one or some sort of fight, I wanted an ending rather than just not saying anything. She's never fought with me in person, once over the phone, and rarely online. Most fights would have to be through letters or on facebook, the most covert way possible. And I realized that I wanted a real fight, I wanted her to for once really stand up to me. When I say fight, I mean not a literal fight where we get physical, but a real arguement where you can see the other persons anger. When you stand their and actually yell at each other. When things are said on the moment and you can't hide how you feel through some letter. There is something about those arguements that have a climax and then the eventual letting go of tension. But I then realized that would happen no matter what I did, she's not the type of person to face things head on, and its mostly because of her past. Even if she does read my blog from time to time even today, I know she won't say anything because she's not that kind of person to face me directly.
Its taken me time to get over my anger and sort through my emotions. I realized that at times my heart, I should say resolve, became weak. I knew the difference between right and wrong and I choose to do wrong because no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, it was never the same response. So the logic became, if they can't do right by me, why should I even do right by them? And that was wrong because it showed I had a strong heart with good intentions, but it failed under a certain amount of pressure. Thats when my anger turned to hate.
So I've come to my new resolve to do right, regardless of the circumstances. That means regardless of how people choose to treat me, who I am around, and even how it will affect me. If I am someday going to be part of changing the world for the better, I have to be strong about things.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
I'm sorta glad Karl told me what she did after Ginger flipped a shit on him for being proven wrong. She's always hated being wrong and accepting that her ideas maybe wrong. She's too weak to stand up and fight for them or accept that they might be flawed. We both agreed, she comes from a very sheltered environment in Edgemont. Edgemont is about the farthest place from the real world a kid can be and it funny because the kids think they are learning a wealth of knowledge but the teachers know the kids really know nothing. My question has been, why make those kids so delusional and sheltered? Anyway, Karl also noticed she had other issues about her, those being with anger and self delusion. I also can't believe she would get the whole A-School involved between us. I also find it funny to that she claims to give them the full story and says she is unbiased. Self delusional. She will keep telling herself that everything she did is because she didn't care, which up to a large point wasn't always true and certainly does not jusifty things. Self delusional. I told him don't talk about morals, god or actually following through with them. She's not the kind of person who lives up to things and will make every excuse not too.
Thats also one reason why I dislike Christians. They follow Christianity whenever they want to(most of the time breaking the rules of what they believe for their own selfish desires) and when they feel they are wrong, they just merely ask for forgiveness and thats the end. How pathetic. And I was also telling him, she may say leave me alone, but she ALWAYS has to try and get the last word in, and she'll only say it when she realizes she is losing. She's still an immature kid, I knew she wouldn't change. No one can in Edgemont. Good job in making enemies. He even got her to admit that she hated me. The funniest thing I find is how she gave him my screen name but then turns around and claims she forgot doing that. Now someone can see what I was talking about. But alas, thats not my problem.
In the end, she doesn't have know to full story of what really happened and doesn't care to, so I won't have to explain it or tell it. Nor will she realize the impacts or true results/aim. But thats something completely different. My next step for myself is to tell her I forgive her and no longer hate her. And when she says nothing, then I have to accept that and keep moving with a strong heart. Those are her faults and not mine, and to become stronger, I need to be stronger than both of ours.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
"Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”
When I look back, I realize the reason why I harrassed her was because I wanted some sort of ending. Whether it would be a good one or some sort of fight, I wanted an ending rather than just not saying anything. She's never fought with me in person, once over the phone, and rarely online. Most fights would have to be through letters or on facebook, the most covert way possible. And I realized that I wanted a real fight, I wanted her to for once really stand up to me. When I say fight, I mean not a literal fight where we get physical, but a real arguement where you can see the other persons anger. When you stand their and actually yell at each other. When things are said on the moment and you can't hide how you feel through some letter. There is something about those arguements that have a climax and then the eventual letting go of tension. But I then realized that would happen no matter what I did, she's not the type of person to face things head on, and its mostly because of her past. Even if she does read my blog from time to time even today, I know she won't say anything because she's not that kind of person to face me directly.
Its taken me time to get over my anger and sort through my emotions. I realized that at times my heart, I should say resolve, became weak. I knew the difference between right and wrong and I choose to do wrong because no matter how hard I tried to do the right thing, it was never the same response. So the logic became, if they can't do right by me, why should I even do right by them? And that was wrong because it showed I had a strong heart with good intentions, but it failed under a certain amount of pressure. Thats when my anger turned to hate.
So I've come to my new resolve to do right, regardless of the circumstances. That means regardless of how people choose to treat me, who I am around, and even how it will affect me. If I am someday going to be part of changing the world for the better, I have to be strong about things.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
I'm sorta glad Karl told me what she did after Ginger flipped a shit on him for being proven wrong. She's always hated being wrong and accepting that her ideas maybe wrong. She's too weak to stand up and fight for them or accept that they might be flawed. We both agreed, she comes from a very sheltered environment in Edgemont. Edgemont is about the farthest place from the real world a kid can be and it funny because the kids think they are learning a wealth of knowledge but the teachers know the kids really know nothing. My question has been, why make those kids so delusional and sheltered? Anyway, Karl also noticed she had other issues about her, those being with anger and self delusion. I also can't believe she would get the whole A-School involved between us. I also find it funny to that she claims to give them the full story and says she is unbiased. Self delusional. She will keep telling herself that everything she did is because she didn't care, which up to a large point wasn't always true and certainly does not jusifty things. Self delusional. I told him don't talk about morals, god or actually following through with them. She's not the kind of person who lives up to things and will make every excuse not too.
Thats also one reason why I dislike Christians. They follow Christianity whenever they want to(most of the time breaking the rules of what they believe for their own selfish desires) and when they feel they are wrong, they just merely ask for forgiveness and thats the end. How pathetic. And I was also telling him, she may say leave me alone, but she ALWAYS has to try and get the last word in, and she'll only say it when she realizes she is losing. She's still an immature kid, I knew she wouldn't change. No one can in Edgemont. Good job in making enemies. He even got her to admit that she hated me. The funniest thing I find is how she gave him my screen name but then turns around and claims she forgot doing that. Now someone can see what I was talking about. But alas, thats not my problem.
In the end, she doesn't have know to full story of what really happened and doesn't care to, so I won't have to explain it or tell it. Nor will she realize the impacts or true results/aim. But thats something completely different. My next step for myself is to tell her I forgive her and no longer hate her. And when she says nothing, then I have to accept that and keep moving with a strong heart. Those are her faults and not mine, and to become stronger, I need to be stronger than both of ours.
The road is tough, but I chose to take it. My heart is strong, so I know I'll make it.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
To Question Reality
Humans are ruled by their minds.
Sight, hearing, touch,
Ultimately, the senses are but a feeble gleam inside the mind.
The world in which people believe in cannot be trust.
Inside your mind, everything easily changes shape. Meaning changes.
There are as many truths as there are people.
What is emptiness? What is reality? What is death? What is life?
Sight, hearing, touch,
Ultimately, the senses are but a feeble gleam inside the mind.
The world in which people believe in cannot be trust.
Inside your mind, everything easily changes shape. Meaning changes.
There are as many truths as there are people.
What is emptiness? What is reality? What is death? What is life?
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Drunk Hook-Up
Maybe I'm to nice. I could have stayed and probably hooked up with Kanh since she was drunk, but I really didn't want too, not my style.
Plus I may really like this girl. We had fun we she stopped by my house for her to fix my computer and then we went out to jungle rapids. Even though it was kid games, she admitted she had fun. So really I guess she is a person I can have fun with doing anything.
So if I really like this girl and possibly want a lasting relationship with her, why would I have our first hook up to be drunk? I'd rather is be the night we had dinner together, our an amusement park. Something nice, not do you remember our first kiss when we were shit faced?
So because of that, I left early. I never really have hooked up with drunk girls. Its never really been my style to do that or to even really drink in that matter. I prefer a hook-up to be because a girl really wants and can do it without being under some influence.
Plus I may really like this girl. We had fun we she stopped by my house for her to fix my computer and then we went out to jungle rapids. Even though it was kid games, she admitted she had fun. So really I guess she is a person I can have fun with doing anything.
So if I really like this girl and possibly want a lasting relationship with her, why would I have our first hook up to be drunk? I'd rather is be the night we had dinner together, our an amusement park. Something nice, not do you remember our first kiss when we were shit faced?
So because of that, I left early. I never really have hooked up with drunk girls. Its never really been my style to do that or to even really drink in that matter. I prefer a hook-up to be because a girl really wants and can do it without being under some influence.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Breaking the News
Its one thing to get drunk and cheat on someone by accident, its a whole other story to activiely cheat on someone multiple times, and even worse with the same person. So tonight I have to break the news to one of my closest friends in college that her boyfriend has been cheating on her for probably the past year.
Its funny how things happen and it is such a small world. I was giving Kameiko a ride to see Toya and she starts talking about Kelvin and how they had sex two weeks ago and was doing it through the entire semester. And Kelvin and RaeRae having been dating since the summer/fall, so almost a half a year to a year. And then she starts talking about the other girls Kelvin has on the side.
The funny thing is how she doesn't realize that me and RaeRae have been friends since freshman year. Thats my home girl and Iove her, in a none sexual way. So if this dude is really cheating on her like this and is about to take her virginity, I feel that I can't stand by and let her be hurt that like. Its going to hurt just by finding out, but since virginity is such a big thing to girls, it would hurt even more to have her let that go.
So now I have to sit her down and talk to her about it. Lets see how it goes.
Its funny how things happen and it is such a small world. I was giving Kameiko a ride to see Toya and she starts talking about Kelvin and how they had sex two weeks ago and was doing it through the entire semester. And Kelvin and RaeRae having been dating since the summer/fall, so almost a half a year to a year. And then she starts talking about the other girls Kelvin has on the side.
The funny thing is how she doesn't realize that me and RaeRae have been friends since freshman year. Thats my home girl and Iove her, in a none sexual way. So if this dude is really cheating on her like this and is about to take her virginity, I feel that I can't stand by and let her be hurt that like. Its going to hurt just by finding out, but since virginity is such a big thing to girls, it would hurt even more to have her let that go.
So now I have to sit her down and talk to her about it. Lets see how it goes.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Contempt for Humanity
The more I think about it, the more I have a general contempt for humanity. I guess I can attribute it to my way of thinking.
I believe in the concept that each and every person on this planet is someway connected and connected to the planet itself. The way we treat each, good or bad, has a lasting effect on people as a whole. If people would take more time having respect and empathy for each other, the world would be a better place.
Yet the more I observe, the more I realize humans are selfish, self important animals. Yes I called them animals. Atleast with animals, they may not have the concept of right and wrong and they do things on instinct. For example, a lion kills for food. Humans on the other hand kill things for one, taking away a beings one chance of living for their own pleasure. Not only do they kill other species but they kill their own species for many reasons besides the need to preserve their own life.
To me killing is killing. Going to war and killing is really no different from some gangsta killing someone over weed. In perpestive, both weed and oil are a commidities. The United States needs oil to run, given. A gangsta may not need weed. But both commodities can be obtained in non-volient and civil ways. But the choice is made to go to war over iraq or shoot someone down in the street for not paying for their weed. The real difference lies in that one is murder is backed up by a nation while the other is just individual. So the question comes to mind is individual murder wrong but murder done by a massive group of people right? The American Revolution, Communist Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq, Pearl Harbor, The Crusades, Manifest Destiny are many of these events at one point in time right because they were backed by a nation and not deemed as murder but as war, liberation or the right to expand?
Then think of Holocaust, the genocide that goes on in Africa, slavery, child labor. How can people be so evil and have such a lack of regard or care for each other? And then comes the destruction of the planet and the environment around people. The more powerful people get, the more they destroy, especially since the Industral Revolution. How forest with variety of species of other life was destroyed for human expansion. Humans do lack empathy for the world around them.
To me, murder is wrong because not only do you take away that persons ability to enjoy a limited life, but also it affects the people that cared about that the person: friends, family, a lover. And the destruction of the environment is basically saying other species do not have the right to exist. The Matrix was right, the human race is a live a virus, destroying eveything that it comes across into their own image.
So I decided I wanted to change this and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Now I wasn't out to save the world type of thing, that change the small nitch that I live in. So for people that knew me, I tried to think about their feelings and desires before my own. So if someone needed help or wanted something as simple as a slice of pizza that I bought, I would do it. And I began to understand people emotions and when they got hurt. For example, a girl who is a friend of mine got mad that a guy lied to her about his whereabouts and was with some other girl and said she didn't care, doesn't phaze her. But look at human emotions, body language, tone of voice carefully and you will see their real emotions. So I said to her that, "she felt hurt and mad because he lied to her and it becomes how can I like him and trust him if he is going to lie to me" and I was dead on and she opened up about it. I respect all life. If there a bug crawling in front of you, why do you have to kill it? If you love your pet and take responsiblity for it, don't put it in a cage all day and make it wait for you to be ready to take it to the bathroom when it has been wanting for 2 hours.
Its not a bad thing, but as a defense mechanisms, people down play negative and hurt emotions they have towards or caused by someone else. Why? It may be to protect a fragile ego and state of existence. I remember with Ginger, she never admitted she was mad but her body language and body tone alway says something different and it become frustrating how the truth was blatant but never admitted.
But then I began to realize, people really only want you for their own desires and needs. I help this girl out for class but whenever I asked what happened for a classs missed, she never answers. So I decided when she IMed for help, I wouldn't answer and I didn't. For the Greenburgh Nature Center, I wanted to make a program for them and all they had to do was communicate. Things were going smooth until they stopped communication all of the sudden. Then they ask me to help out two months later with the program. I am still hesitant to pick up and help out now but I'm thinking because it could make things better for the volunteers, not just the staff who wasn't communicating with me. With Ginger, I tried doing the right thing by releasing her from any emotional strain/guilt and at the same time releasing myself, but she knew what was bothering me and wanted it to bother me, so I came back at her with something that would bother her. Other people become like an emotional burden where you help them get through things emotionally and they just disappear. When your down, they are never around. I did this for quite a few problems, talked with them about themselves and they talk for hours. But then I realized, they didn't even know me the slightest bit and probably didn't care to. So next time they come to me for support, I won't be there.
Then there goes all the lying and cheating I see everyday. People lie to each other about so many things, even simple stuff. I see girlfriend and boyfriends cheat on each other all the time. People steal other peoples thing such as iPods and cell phones for their own use. I've haven't stolen in a long time and have always returned lost goods because I know how much it sux losing one's own stuff; loosing a cellphone and especially a wallet can be VERY frustrating, and sometimes expensive. So it makes me so angry when I see this stuff go on, people really only care for themselves and disregard how their actions can affect someone else. In other words, people see everyone else as means and never as ends, there is no real instrinsic value of a person.
Its funny and amusing to myself that some of the moral, concepts and idea that I have mirror some of the greater thinkers of the past that I once studied, but this kind of thought I've reached in only 21 years, not a lifetime. Like a gift and curse, this kind of thinking causes me pain with a sense of enlightment but it controls my very way of life and how I treat people and what I don't do in life. Some people understand me, other people refuse too, don't care to or don't have tha ability too. I see since Ginger that my way of thinking cannot be shared with all because it causes problem. She would tell me I anaylize too much but I think I anaylize and accept things for what they are.
So basically I'm losing hope in the good of people as a whole, partly because what I witness and partly because I am powerless to change it. I'm changing out of contempt to make other people not my concern. But its hard because I understand other people, one might say I have too much empathy. Maybe I just need more resolve.
I believe in the concept that each and every person on this planet is someway connected and connected to the planet itself. The way we treat each, good or bad, has a lasting effect on people as a whole. If people would take more time having respect and empathy for each other, the world would be a better place.
Yet the more I observe, the more I realize humans are selfish, self important animals. Yes I called them animals. Atleast with animals, they may not have the concept of right and wrong and they do things on instinct. For example, a lion kills for food. Humans on the other hand kill things for one, taking away a beings one chance of living for their own pleasure. Not only do they kill other species but they kill their own species for many reasons besides the need to preserve their own life.
To me killing is killing. Going to war and killing is really no different from some gangsta killing someone over weed. In perpestive, both weed and oil are a commidities. The United States needs oil to run, given. A gangsta may not need weed. But both commodities can be obtained in non-volient and civil ways. But the choice is made to go to war over iraq or shoot someone down in the street for not paying for their weed. The real difference lies in that one is murder is backed up by a nation while the other is just individual. So the question comes to mind is individual murder wrong but murder done by a massive group of people right? The American Revolution, Communist Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq, Pearl Harbor, The Crusades, Manifest Destiny are many of these events at one point in time right because they were backed by a nation and not deemed as murder but as war, liberation or the right to expand?
Then think of Holocaust, the genocide that goes on in Africa, slavery, child labor. How can people be so evil and have such a lack of regard or care for each other? And then comes the destruction of the planet and the environment around people. The more powerful people get, the more they destroy, especially since the Industral Revolution. How forest with variety of species of other life was destroyed for human expansion. Humans do lack empathy for the world around them.
To me, murder is wrong because not only do you take away that persons ability to enjoy a limited life, but also it affects the people that cared about that the person: friends, family, a lover. And the destruction of the environment is basically saying other species do not have the right to exist. The Matrix was right, the human race is a live a virus, destroying eveything that it comes across into their own image.
So I decided I wanted to change this and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Now I wasn't out to save the world type of thing, that change the small nitch that I live in. So for people that knew me, I tried to think about their feelings and desires before my own. So if someone needed help or wanted something as simple as a slice of pizza that I bought, I would do it. And I began to understand people emotions and when they got hurt. For example, a girl who is a friend of mine got mad that a guy lied to her about his whereabouts and was with some other girl and said she didn't care, doesn't phaze her. But look at human emotions, body language, tone of voice carefully and you will see their real emotions. So I said to her that, "she felt hurt and mad because he lied to her and it becomes how can I like him and trust him if he is going to lie to me" and I was dead on and she opened up about it. I respect all life. If there a bug crawling in front of you, why do you have to kill it? If you love your pet and take responsiblity for it, don't put it in a cage all day and make it wait for you to be ready to take it to the bathroom when it has been wanting for 2 hours.
Its not a bad thing, but as a defense mechanisms, people down play negative and hurt emotions they have towards or caused by someone else. Why? It may be to protect a fragile ego and state of existence. I remember with Ginger, she never admitted she was mad but her body language and body tone alway says something different and it become frustrating how the truth was blatant but never admitted.
But then I began to realize, people really only want you for their own desires and needs. I help this girl out for class but whenever I asked what happened for a classs missed, she never answers. So I decided when she IMed for help, I wouldn't answer and I didn't. For the Greenburgh Nature Center, I wanted to make a program for them and all they had to do was communicate. Things were going smooth until they stopped communication all of the sudden. Then they ask me to help out two months later with the program. I am still hesitant to pick up and help out now but I'm thinking because it could make things better for the volunteers, not just the staff who wasn't communicating with me. With Ginger, I tried doing the right thing by releasing her from any emotional strain/guilt and at the same time releasing myself, but she knew what was bothering me and wanted it to bother me, so I came back at her with something that would bother her. Other people become like an emotional burden where you help them get through things emotionally and they just disappear. When your down, they are never around. I did this for quite a few problems, talked with them about themselves and they talk for hours. But then I realized, they didn't even know me the slightest bit and probably didn't care to. So next time they come to me for support, I won't be there.
Then there goes all the lying and cheating I see everyday. People lie to each other about so many things, even simple stuff. I see girlfriend and boyfriends cheat on each other all the time. People steal other peoples thing such as iPods and cell phones for their own use. I've haven't stolen in a long time and have always returned lost goods because I know how much it sux losing one's own stuff; loosing a cellphone and especially a wallet can be VERY frustrating, and sometimes expensive. So it makes me so angry when I see this stuff go on, people really only care for themselves and disregard how their actions can affect someone else. In other words, people see everyone else as means and never as ends, there is no real instrinsic value of a person.
Its funny and amusing to myself that some of the moral, concepts and idea that I have mirror some of the greater thinkers of the past that I once studied, but this kind of thought I've reached in only 21 years, not a lifetime. Like a gift and curse, this kind of thinking causes me pain with a sense of enlightment but it controls my very way of life and how I treat people and what I don't do in life. Some people understand me, other people refuse too, don't care to or don't have tha ability too. I see since Ginger that my way of thinking cannot be shared with all because it causes problem. She would tell me I anaylize too much but I think I anaylize and accept things for what they are.
So basically I'm losing hope in the good of people as a whole, partly because what I witness and partly because I am powerless to change it. I'm changing out of contempt to make other people not my concern. But its hard because I understand other people, one might say I have too much empathy. Maybe I just need more resolve.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Mad at Coach, Mad at Track
Before I go talk to my coach about why I'm angry, let me first write it out.
First of all, I don't want to run this meet, and I don't want to run another 1500. Running all these 1500 is not something that is going to get me ready for conference or to run a fast 800.
Since I got back, I haven't really gotten any real speed training. I know I've gotten injured and thinking why, two things are different. For starters I don't get into the weight room anymore. I can't because Coach starts his work-outs late. I can't get a work-out in getting there at 5:30. I spend about 1 hour to and 1 and half working out.
Then my shoes. Can you guess how long I've been running in these shoes? Since September. So with about 50 plus miles a week, and 4 weeks in a month, I do 200 miles a month. So lets go from September, October, November, part o December, January, February, March. Thats about 1200 plus on these shoes. Do ya think that could have a possible reason for getting injured?
No back to the work-outs. Both Courson and I felt stronger running your work-outs freshmen. I opened up freshmen year with a 1:56. I haven't done that in two years. I PR by 3 seconds freshmen. I felt stronger in 400's. With Chris training, I don't feel I have that same speed and strength. I have trouble running 55 400's and sub 1:25 600's for the 800. With these work-outs, I'm never really going to excel.
And each time we've had a chance for a good hard week, he's decided to take it off. Its like we have an easy week every week.
And lately there has been these complete bullshit work-outs. What is 12 in and outs going to do. Its not even like we're striding fast. I feel like I'm running nothing like I should. I had faster training in the fall. What is 400's in 48 really going to do? Chris doesn't really push us, its like everything is back to medicore and I can't get any better with this.
So yea, I really don't want to race and am thinking about just quitting.
First of all, I don't want to run this meet, and I don't want to run another 1500. Running all these 1500 is not something that is going to get me ready for conference or to run a fast 800.
Since I got back, I haven't really gotten any real speed training. I know I've gotten injured and thinking why, two things are different. For starters I don't get into the weight room anymore. I can't because Coach starts his work-outs late. I can't get a work-out in getting there at 5:30. I spend about 1 hour to and 1 and half working out.
Then my shoes. Can you guess how long I've been running in these shoes? Since September. So with about 50 plus miles a week, and 4 weeks in a month, I do 200 miles a month. So lets go from September, October, November, part o December, January, February, March. Thats about 1200 plus on these shoes. Do ya think that could have a possible reason for getting injured?
No back to the work-outs. Both Courson and I felt stronger running your work-outs freshmen. I opened up freshmen year with a 1:56. I haven't done that in two years. I PR by 3 seconds freshmen. I felt stronger in 400's. With Chris training, I don't feel I have that same speed and strength. I have trouble running 55 400's and sub 1:25 600's for the 800. With these work-outs, I'm never really going to excel.
And each time we've had a chance for a good hard week, he's decided to take it off. Its like we have an easy week every week.
And lately there has been these complete bullshit work-outs. What is 12 in and outs going to do. Its not even like we're striding fast. I feel like I'm running nothing like I should. I had faster training in the fall. What is 400's in 48 really going to do? Chris doesn't really push us, its like everything is back to medicore and I can't get any better with this.
So yea, I really don't want to race and am thinking about just quitting.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Track
I can't listen to him anymore.
The training he gives us won't push us to the next level, it won't bring me to IC4A. I can't take it, I'm no longer following his direction or guidance.
Since last year, and I'm not alone on this, I felt coach Chris work-outs was not what we needed to running. He's not training guys to get better but really just to be mediocore. Especially when I was doing the same work-outs in the fall.
So now I have to defy him, the question comes if its going to be outright or subtle.
Sorry, but I can no longer follow his plan, I have my own.
The training he gives us won't push us to the next level, it won't bring me to IC4A. I can't take it, I'm no longer following his direction or guidance.
Since last year, and I'm not alone on this, I felt coach Chris work-outs was not what we needed to running. He's not training guys to get better but really just to be mediocore. Especially when I was doing the same work-outs in the fall.
So now I have to defy him, the question comes if its going to be outright or subtle.
Sorry, but I can no longer follow his plan, I have my own.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Life without Ginger
Its been a while since me and Ginger have actually spoken. And you know something, it actually feels good.
Things got pretty bad between us no matter how I reacted and both of us ended up on the fritz. But I actually grew stronger from it, mentally and emotionally. I guess thats is what seperates me and her, our rates of growth. I always noted that I was maturing a lot of faster than her, and I should have, me being in college. She just ended up regressing into a shell, blaming mostly me and hating me for it. I became more accepting, empathetic and open to more people and experience with a different perception. I no longer have her views of relationships, that people aren't meant to be together for a long time, that they eventually will go seperate; that marriage is something that will happen I will be hapy, maybe not for her but for me it will be. I can forgive her and not hate her and move on. She will suppress everything and may take years to truly move on from our experiences. And now that I've been through other relationships and getting into other ones, I see how different things are. How people deal with things in a better and how I much easier it is to work with other people; I remember what it was like before the relationship with her, what things really meant. How positive and open a person I could be.
In the end, I realized that I couldn't become a better person with her, I couldn't grow with her or through her. She couldn't help me do it, bring out the best in me and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it with her, and she knew she resisted it every single step. Basically in the end, there was no growth or change for either of us.
But now I feel like its a new day, sun brighter than ever, and I can face it with my head held high and still smile even if she crosses my mind.
I think this sums me up at the end of our relationship:
New Soul
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong
this is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take but since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la....
Things got pretty bad between us no matter how I reacted and both of us ended up on the fritz. But I actually grew stronger from it, mentally and emotionally. I guess thats is what seperates me and her, our rates of growth. I always noted that I was maturing a lot of faster than her, and I should have, me being in college. She just ended up regressing into a shell, blaming mostly me and hating me for it. I became more accepting, empathetic and open to more people and experience with a different perception. I no longer have her views of relationships, that people aren't meant to be together for a long time, that they eventually will go seperate; that marriage is something that will happen I will be hapy, maybe not for her but for me it will be. I can forgive her and not hate her and move on. She will suppress everything and may take years to truly move on from our experiences. And now that I've been through other relationships and getting into other ones, I see how different things are. How people deal with things in a better and how I much easier it is to work with other people; I remember what it was like before the relationship with her, what things really meant. How positive and open a person I could be.
In the end, I realized that I couldn't become a better person with her, I couldn't grow with her or through her. She couldn't help me do it, bring out the best in me and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it with her, and she knew she resisted it every single step. Basically in the end, there was no growth or change for either of us.
But now I feel like its a new day, sun brighter than ever, and I can face it with my head held high and still smile even if she crosses my mind.
I think this sums me up at the end of our relationship:
New Soul
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong
this is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take but since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la....
Rock Music
I never really understood rock music before. To me it seemed to really lack rhythm, beat, and really soul. I guess that is what black music has or something that I find I can agree with when listening to black music, that it seems to have soul or more emotion. Maybe it was that I could relate to it more.
From time to time I did like some rock. I consider Maroon 5 along with some Dave Matthews band. And then came this Japanese song from an anime called Bleach called Alones by Aqua Timez. I looked the opening to the anime enough that I researched and found all this out and listened to the full song. I couldn't fully understand it but it sounded like a song that is suppose to be heart warming, uplifting. The lyrics go like this:
Your fragile Folded Wings
Are you just tired from the pure blue skies
You don't have to force your smiles to anyone
It's okay to smile...for yourself
That lonely feeling keeps creeping up on me
A single candle still burns inside
There shouldn't be an expensive chandelier in a wild place like this
Can I really bury it all with empty words?
I don't even know anymore...
As long as we can swim freely in our dreams
We don't need that sky anymore
Even if you can't let go of the past
I'll still be there to meet you tomorrow
Your fragile Folded Wings
Are you just tired from the pure blue skies
You don't have to force your smiles to anyone
It's okay to smile...for yourself
It sounded go, the Japanese lyrics were right(yes I can understand some Japanese), so I liked it. Then I heard the instrumental version of the song and it was like knock me off my feet good. Without lyrics the song actually convery more emotion and seemed to had more depth too it. I actually started doing the crazy white boy bobbing head thing. So i don't know what was it about this rock song but it just made me feel differently about rock. This doesn't mean I'm going to just start listening to rock though.
From time to time I did like some rock. I consider Maroon 5 along with some Dave Matthews band. And then came this Japanese song from an anime called Bleach called Alones by Aqua Timez. I looked the opening to the anime enough that I researched and found all this out and listened to the full song. I couldn't fully understand it but it sounded like a song that is suppose to be heart warming, uplifting. The lyrics go like this:
Your fragile Folded Wings
Are you just tired from the pure blue skies
You don't have to force your smiles to anyone
It's okay to smile...for yourself
That lonely feeling keeps creeping up on me
A single candle still burns inside
There shouldn't be an expensive chandelier in a wild place like this
Can I really bury it all with empty words?
I don't even know anymore...
As long as we can swim freely in our dreams
We don't need that sky anymore
Even if you can't let go of the past
I'll still be there to meet you tomorrow
Your fragile Folded Wings
Are you just tired from the pure blue skies
You don't have to force your smiles to anyone
It's okay to smile...for yourself
It sounded go, the Japanese lyrics were right(yes I can understand some Japanese), so I liked it. Then I heard the instrumental version of the song and it was like knock me off my feet good. Without lyrics the song actually convery more emotion and seemed to had more depth too it. I actually started doing the crazy white boy bobbing head thing. So i don't know what was it about this rock song but it just made me feel differently about rock. This doesn't mean I'm going to just start listening to rock though.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Toya
Toya really does put up a lot with me, and I'm not sure I deserve her.
She calls and I never call back because I'm really busy and get really tired. But she does. I don't know how she felt about this weekend because I really did want to come and I was going too until I get injured and just got depressed. I can't get injured now, its too close to conference(something Coach Thomas would say, lol).
So I really want to do something nice for Toya for putting up with all my bs, she really is a great girl. At this point, I would definitley date her and make time for her if she was down here. But I just can't do the distance thing right now, not at this point of my life. I just want a relationship where someone is actually there.
And I'm just waiting for her to be mad at me like "why didn't you call me back" or something like that but she never does. And if she did, I would completely agree and say, "your right, you every right to be mad at me".
So yea, at duke, I'll do somthing nice for her.
She calls and I never call back because I'm really busy and get really tired. But she does. I don't know how she felt about this weekend because I really did want to come and I was going too until I get injured and just got depressed. I can't get injured now, its too close to conference(something Coach Thomas would say, lol).
So I really want to do something nice for Toya for putting up with all my bs, she really is a great girl. At this point, I would definitley date her and make time for her if she was down here. But I just can't do the distance thing right now, not at this point of my life. I just want a relationship where someone is actually there.
And I'm just waiting for her to be mad at me like "why didn't you call me back" or something like that but she never does. And if she did, I would completely agree and say, "your right, you every right to be mad at me".
So yea, at duke, I'll do somthing nice for her.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Mind Change
I changed my mind, there is no good in here. Time to do it anyway. You can't just treat everyone however you feel and expect to get away from it.
I realize the difference between me and her.
Its not about doing the right thing.
Letting the other person loose pyschology, forgiving them as they forgave you.
Its not about responsiblity, being responsbile for each of our own actions towards each other.
Its not about growing or trying to become a better person.
Its only about how much angrier she can push me before I reach my limit and give in. Its about pinning the blame on me and walking away. Why can't it be with every other X where we can discuss how each of feels and why, and then just move on. I can't suppress my feelings, I say what I feel and get it over with. What does all this have to always be so complicated?
I realize the difference between me and her.
Its not about doing the right thing.
Letting the other person loose pyschology, forgiving them as they forgave you.
Its not about responsiblity, being responsbile for each of our own actions towards each other.
Its not about growing or trying to become a better person.
Its only about how much angrier she can push me before I reach my limit and give in. Its about pinning the blame on me and walking away. Why can't it be with every other X where we can discuss how each of feels and why, and then just move on. I can't suppress my feelings, I say what I feel and get it over with. What does all this have to always be so complicated?
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Satifised
She has now closed herself in a lil barrier from me, who is about to tell everything that happened between us. It has become a learned helplessness. Your past does come back to haunt you if you don't end things the right way. But really, I've beat her in every way possible to make her change.
I had felt satifished when we had reached sorta an agreement not to dislike or hate each other, and she took some responsiblity for her actions, which I have been doing with mine for a while. But I just had this feeling that this was too easy, and I looked and found out she lied. And like I said before, lying to someone really bothers me. After that she pretty much knew the consequence.
Thats the thing about lying, it can always come back to you. Being honest maybe a little harder, but the consequences are definitely less severe, if any.If she was honest, I would be gone, this wouldn't be happening now.
So I tried to give her an easy way out. I wanted her to understand what being moral and ethical really means. Why shouldn't you cheat on someone, why shouldn't you lie to people. Of course this would involve actually understanding the other person's arguement. So all she had to do was prove she understood by talking about why. Despite what she has done to me, I wanted her to show she has the capacity to grow into a good, well developed person. If she could do that, then I would let everything slide because in the future she would be able to treat someone else the right way.
Of course she would say no because she doesn't. Morals and ethics are ideas that aren't in her life. Its more of, I treat people however I feel and thats the end, no reason to feel bad. She and I are completely different in morals. I have deep understanding of people and how they feel, and I consider that in whatever I do, which a lot of the times involves putting myself last. Therefore my morals and ethics try to be the best towards all people, because I generally do see the good in them and that they are worth it.
Now she has driven herself into a hole, blocking anything on AIM, facebook, closing her blog off. I feel what I do is wrong and right. Right because we had an agreement and she lied, wrong because no one should feel they have to do this to themselves. But hey, she made her choice. So really, I completely won then, but lost at the time same time. I lost in the fact that, she was someone who I couldn't get to understand anything she didn't want to.
But from a different point of view of hers, I have to understand that everything I've read has come true, exactly as foretold. But throughout her whole life she has had nothing but problems, and she has learned to deal with them by blocking them out. Its not her fault for how her mom screams/yells/complains and all her problems, or her brother being austic, or her dad being an austic alcholic who can't support her. She didn't quite have a normal childhood and thus that makes her who she is today. Like my blog says, The Reason Why Who I Am and What I Am. Her influences growing up and even now were way different from the normal person, and make her who she is today. So I can't blame all her behaviour on her but at the same time, no one is stopping her from changing, no one is stopping her from growing. At some point in everyone's life, fate becomes something they create, in other words they choose who they want to be. So I have to show compassion towards her but at the same time can't let her have the scapegoat.
For me at this point, its like holding a gun to someones head. Someone who has caused you great pain, maybe killed your family, caused you a life of suffering, so you would have every right to pull that trigger. The question is, do you?
From my point of view, I have to be better than that person. I have to see why they did it and look into how I feel about it. The answer is not so simple. But I couldn't pull that trigger and be like them no. I would leave them living knowing what they did. Why? Because my character, morals and beliefs wouldn't allow me to, no matter how wrong they are. In a realize that that person has feeling, emotions, a family, loved one just like I do. I see them not as an enemy but people also, I have to much empathy.
So I have the blog complete with every single bit of evidence that I need. But I'm not going to pull the trigger. Every step of the way, I knew I was better than her, I knew I was right, but she knew she was avoiding it the whole time. But at the same time I understand her point of view of where she is coming from and why she acts the way she does, even if she knows she is wrong. Really she is not a strong enough person to compete with me. So no matter how wrong she is, I atleast have to be right on my part.
I can't pull the trigger because thats not who I am. I'm stronger than that, I'm better than that.
I am part of her just as she is part of me.
Inside people believe they are seperate from everyone and everything.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Everyone person is part of everyone and apart of everything.
I had felt satifished when we had reached sorta an agreement not to dislike or hate each other, and she took some responsiblity for her actions, which I have been doing with mine for a while. But I just had this feeling that this was too easy, and I looked and found out she lied. And like I said before, lying to someone really bothers me. After that she pretty much knew the consequence.
Thats the thing about lying, it can always come back to you. Being honest maybe a little harder, but the consequences are definitely less severe, if any.If she was honest, I would be gone, this wouldn't be happening now.
So I tried to give her an easy way out. I wanted her to understand what being moral and ethical really means. Why shouldn't you cheat on someone, why shouldn't you lie to people. Of course this would involve actually understanding the other person's arguement. So all she had to do was prove she understood by talking about why. Despite what she has done to me, I wanted her to show she has the capacity to grow into a good, well developed person. If she could do that, then I would let everything slide because in the future she would be able to treat someone else the right way.
Of course she would say no because she doesn't. Morals and ethics are ideas that aren't in her life. Its more of, I treat people however I feel and thats the end, no reason to feel bad. She and I are completely different in morals. I have deep understanding of people and how they feel, and I consider that in whatever I do, which a lot of the times involves putting myself last. Therefore my morals and ethics try to be the best towards all people, because I generally do see the good in them and that they are worth it.
Now she has driven herself into a hole, blocking anything on AIM, facebook, closing her blog off. I feel what I do is wrong and right. Right because we had an agreement and she lied, wrong because no one should feel they have to do this to themselves. But hey, she made her choice. So really, I completely won then, but lost at the time same time. I lost in the fact that, she was someone who I couldn't get to understand anything she didn't want to.
But from a different point of view of hers, I have to understand that everything I've read has come true, exactly as foretold. But throughout her whole life she has had nothing but problems, and she has learned to deal with them by blocking them out. Its not her fault for how her mom screams/yells/complains and all her problems, or her brother being austic, or her dad being an austic alcholic who can't support her. She didn't quite have a normal childhood and thus that makes her who she is today. Like my blog says, The Reason Why Who I Am and What I Am. Her influences growing up and even now were way different from the normal person, and make her who she is today. So I can't blame all her behaviour on her but at the same time, no one is stopping her from changing, no one is stopping her from growing. At some point in everyone's life, fate becomes something they create, in other words they choose who they want to be. So I have to show compassion towards her but at the same time can't let her have the scapegoat.
For me at this point, its like holding a gun to someones head. Someone who has caused you great pain, maybe killed your family, caused you a life of suffering, so you would have every right to pull that trigger. The question is, do you?
From my point of view, I have to be better than that person. I have to see why they did it and look into how I feel about it. The answer is not so simple. But I couldn't pull that trigger and be like them no. I would leave them living knowing what they did. Why? Because my character, morals and beliefs wouldn't allow me to, no matter how wrong they are. In a realize that that person has feeling, emotions, a family, loved one just like I do. I see them not as an enemy but people also, I have to much empathy.
So I have the blog complete with every single bit of evidence that I need. But I'm not going to pull the trigger. Every step of the way, I knew I was better than her, I knew I was right, but she knew she was avoiding it the whole time. But at the same time I understand her point of view of where she is coming from and why she acts the way she does, even if she knows she is wrong. Really she is not a strong enough person to compete with me. So no matter how wrong she is, I atleast have to be right on my part.
I can't pull the trigger because thats not who I am. I'm stronger than that, I'm better than that.
I am part of her just as she is part of me.
Inside people believe they are seperate from everyone and everything.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Everyone person is part of everyone and apart of everything.
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