Last Blog On her

This is the last blog I ever write about her.

We will never talk again.

She's not strong enough to deal with me.

She not strong enough to deal with reality.

She's running again. Everytime something gets to difficult for her, she quits. She quit the film festival last year, she quit studying french, she quits when it comes to school, now she quits when it comes too me. I can keep someone around me who is weak and quits when things get hard. She does have a low self esteem, and I would try to support her and push her to the next level of growing, but she always crumbled.

And I can tell she hasn't thought her decision out carefully, fully, and by herself. Why? Thats just it, there is no why. I can tell when her thoughts aren't exactly her own. If I got mad at her for something, she may feel sorta bad. But then she would tell just her side to someone and come back a day later with a completely different view. And she could never explain why, and then got frustrated when I asked her. Of course this wasn't always true, sometimes when she was wrong, she did admit it after a long while.

But for her decision this time, she has no real reason why. Its just based on because I feel like it, because I don't want to take a responsbility. She wants another relationship, but with that attitude, her immatuiry, her obstinanctes, it will never last. And I know its not me, when me and Rohan had a talk a while back,we came up with the same conclusions about her. And when it comes to intimacy, she can't handle it. She's not mature enough or responsible enough. Asking the real question why maybe to much for her to handle. Or maybe she knows that if she answered why did all this actually happen rather than the empty cliche artist answer "it was meant to be", she might find herself at fault. A defense mechanism. I use to think she was a thinker, I don't know anymore.
I

Her lack of maturity and irresponsiblity comes from her lack of experience. Even when I was in high school, I already had a lot more experience than her. Witnessing and almost seeing death in the eye, the parties I had been to, people I've talked to, hardships I've had, places i've been, had surpassed her. Now we can't even talk on anything, and that is wat probably saddens me most of all, and my maturity has caused the loss of my best friend. Growth is being put a strange, hard, uncomfortable experience and overcoming it. She avoids these and therefore doesn't grow. Whenever I ask her how have you matured, she just answers I haven't, I've been the same way since whatever grade.

I can't talk to her about money, wealth, power, politics, right and wrong. Deep conversations that have no answer she can't deal with. That maybe why she has such a problem with math. She has to work on her abstract thinkings. When I tried to get her to do this, she would run from the conversation. But is hard for her to grow. She's been spoon feed all her life living in edgemont. She and everyone there are not in the real world.

So we will never talk again. Because of her perception of reality, who she is around, lack of experience, maturity which will never allow her too see my side. She can say she does until she is blue in the face, but if she did, she wouldn't do what she does. Its easier not care. She once told me she rather take the easier road out. I should have known then nothing could last with her.I have no reason left to talk to her. I have given my all and thats the end of it. She has given little. And knowing her, she blocks things out. And if she ever does talk to me again, which will be months or years, I will not even care to know who she is by then.

She left with a bad taste in the mouth. Down the road, it will all come back to get her. Saying it was meant to happen is taking the easy way out of things as usual. She has no control over her own fate and that is that.

I have never argued with anyone else so much before. In any of my other relationships, we never argued. No one has been so arguementive as her, or so hard to deal with. I dont think she realizes the importance of life, or what is truly important life. I guess its hard too for a person who has never really lost anything of great significant in life, like a person who was close to you dies or you almost die youself. I can't remember any fights with Britanny, Devin, Alex, or Lakeya. I had a view with Jasmine but she was nothing like Ginger who would never try to make up but just become more obstinate. And she had her own lil issues, drinking by herself n such. But the other thing is me and Jasmine were eventually able to get back on ok terms. It is maturity that comes into play. The other relationships I've had, going out or not, everything worked out fine. A lot fo people in other relationships still work together today. I use to think we honestly could, if she just get over herself for once, stop acting like she has a right to be angry. Its really childish to get mad at someone simply because they are mad at you.

When I tried to say lets talk about whats happening to us to avoid this, she as usual avoided that conversation. She can't take being blamed, yelled at, or being responsible for her actions. She doesn't have to yet, she nots in the real world. She runs from real issues. But I no longer care for her. She use to be my best friend and now she is nothing at all. Maybe is she was less obstinate about everything, and worth the while(I have thought to myself, what is she really worth to me), I would consider her as a friend. But she reallly doesn't deserve me as a friend. I know byt he time she contacts me, I will no longer even remember her or want to, but I'm sure she wants it that way.

She obviously doesn't care for me at all anymore. Never once did she ask how was I doing, how was I eating, sleeping? Did it bother me at all? No, its always about her. When someone who I told about our situation told me she has weird away messages up like "please bleed", I did become concerned and contacted her over that. Well if she can't care bout me, then I don't about her. And I believed her when she said she would always be there for me. Yup, mom was right, women lie. And make a ton of empty excuses too.

That is the end of us.

I don't care enough for goodbye.