I don't mind if someone hates me, dislikes or treats me mean, it really won't face me. But from anyone, I don't like being lied to. Its the upmost form of disrespect. Really your trusting the person and hoping they are being honest. Its like hoping they have good characters and morals, but when they lie, that really does say something bad about them. Stick to the truth, its harder to go wrong. Atleast you won't get yourself into anymore trouble than you already are.
And she doesn't get it. I was so close to walking away from all animoisty. I honestly didn't care if she blocked me out or not, if she wanted me out of her life or not, everything was straight. But then when you find out you've been lied too...again. I'm sure she can justify it in 1000 ways to make her flawed arguements sound good but....
She just added something else to the list of things I'm going to tell. How she is moralless and lies. And now I have all the proof saved.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
First I want to start about Ginger. Whether or not we become friends or totally distant, I feel better about the situation now. Honestly I don't know how sincere she is in what she said. I really think a large part of it could have been just to cover her ass. But atleast she accepted some resonpsiblity and everything that was needed to be said, was said. I feel better about it now and I really think it should have been done a long time ago. Whatever path is chosen next, we can each go that way without looking back and feeling animosity...I hope. I've forgiven her and let my animosity go, I wonder if she has forgiven me.
But passive aggressivenss is truly something amazing. It completely distorts a person view of reality to make it seem like what they want. She's forgotten so much its amazing, its like we never had a relationship. You can't say, "I Love You" and then turn around and say, "I want you gone". Which of course follows the passive aggressive trait of fear of being to close to somebody, fear of dependency or intimacy. Forgetting also abdicates her from any blame or wrong doing. I wonder if she ever read that article. Passive aggressive people don't like to read about themselves. Let me post the article for my reference: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm. But I think she is getting better at her passive aggressivenss and dealing with it. Last night, for the first time, she admitted that maybe her views on things were distorted by it. If she is not just letting me win and truly means it, I'm proud of her because thats a big step, getting out of the denail.
But then she turns around and in her blog writes only what supports her arguement, thus supporting her distorted view once again. She states that i was going to tell lies about her? Not lies, the truth and I wasn't going to includ Justin, I never did mention his name. Of course this is said to make her seem right and me seem wrong right off the bat. And her friends read it and get only her view, further supporting what she wants to believe rather than the truth. To that extent, there is nothing I can do because she is choosing to see only what she wants, and thats the sadest part. Everything I say isn't right, but that doesn't mean she has to disagree with me on everything just because she can...which is a passive aggressive trait. But I hope she does work on that. I also realized she doesn't want the truth, she says it many different times in different ways.
Like" i need to stop talking about this. stop trying to clear things up, stop trying to see things straighter. just give it up. let it be over." She still doesn't understand why not coming to my grandfathers funeral was the wrong thing. She talks about it in her blog, which she changed. http://mowwwwwww.blogspot.com/. But alas, I no longer have a grudge. She is trapped within her on twisted view of things and runs from any sign of truth. Worst of all, she knows I know the truth when she says, "you know too much about me". Funny, thats what I said along, you don't like me because I know what your going to do, I know you too well to know when your lying, especially to yourself.
I'm just glad this vicious cycle between me and her can finally end in a good way.
But still, this qoute very much describes it:
"People live their lives, bound by what is correct and true. Thats how they define reality.
But what does it mean to be "Correct" or "True"? Merely vague concepts, their reality maybe a mirage.
Can we consider them living in their own world shaped by their own beliefs?"
And with is passive aggressive person its, "The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone."
Life is funnt when everything rings true.
On to Toya. So me and Toya sorta had a talk about what each of us wants and other people. Apparently I don't think she is bothered by me getting with other people, and I'm not bothered by her, since she talks about the other guys who like her. So that is good that we can maintain our current relationship with any problems. We do get along really well, I just don't want to do the distance with her. Maybe if she was here, it would be different.
Now me and Anya have to talk. Are we going to go back out, or stay broken up. I'm not sure if I like her, but I do know I enjoy being with her. So we will see where this ends came, can she make time for a boyfriend.
But passive aggressivenss is truly something amazing. It completely distorts a person view of reality to make it seem like what they want. She's forgotten so much its amazing, its like we never had a relationship. You can't say, "I Love You" and then turn around and say, "I want you gone". Which of course follows the passive aggressive trait of fear of being to close to somebody, fear of dependency or intimacy. Forgetting also abdicates her from any blame or wrong doing. I wonder if she ever read that article. Passive aggressive people don't like to read about themselves. Let me post the article for my reference: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm. But I think she is getting better at her passive aggressivenss and dealing with it. Last night, for the first time, she admitted that maybe her views on things were distorted by it. If she is not just letting me win and truly means it, I'm proud of her because thats a big step, getting out of the denail.
But then she turns around and in her blog writes only what supports her arguement, thus supporting her distorted view once again. She states that i was going to tell lies about her? Not lies, the truth and I wasn't going to includ Justin, I never did mention his name. Of course this is said to make her seem right and me seem wrong right off the bat. And her friends read it and get only her view, further supporting what she wants to believe rather than the truth. To that extent, there is nothing I can do because she is choosing to see only what she wants, and thats the sadest part. Everything I say isn't right, but that doesn't mean she has to disagree with me on everything just because she can...which is a passive aggressive trait. But I hope she does work on that. I also realized she doesn't want the truth, she says it many different times in different ways.
Like" i need to stop talking about this. stop trying to clear things up, stop trying to see things straighter. just give it up. let it be over." She still doesn't understand why not coming to my grandfathers funeral was the wrong thing. She talks about it in her blog, which she changed. http://mowwwwwww.blogspot.com/. But alas, I no longer have a grudge. She is trapped within her on twisted view of things and runs from any sign of truth. Worst of all, she knows I know the truth when she says, "you know too much about me". Funny, thats what I said along, you don't like me because I know what your going to do, I know you too well to know when your lying, especially to yourself.
I'm just glad this vicious cycle between me and her can finally end in a good way.
But still, this qoute very much describes it:
"People live their lives, bound by what is correct and true. Thats how they define reality.
But what does it mean to be "Correct" or "True"? Merely vague concepts, their reality maybe a mirage.
Can we consider them living in their own world shaped by their own beliefs?"
And with is passive aggressive person its, "The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone."
Life is funnt when everything rings true.
On to Toya. So me and Toya sorta had a talk about what each of us wants and other people. Apparently I don't think she is bothered by me getting with other people, and I'm not bothered by her, since she talks about the other guys who like her. So that is good that we can maintain our current relationship with any problems. We do get along really well, I just don't want to do the distance with her. Maybe if she was here, it would be different.
Now me and Anya have to talk. Are we going to go back out, or stay broken up. I'm not sure if I like her, but I do know I enjoy being with her. So we will see where this ends came, can she make time for a boyfriend.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
The start of an relationship
So last night we had a talk, about what each of us wanted.
She brought up about how she is the type of person to take things slow, a typical girl thing so I didn't really bother me. I asked her would she have time for me, since she is always busy. She replied that she would try to make time for me. So then we decided to go out, meaning I have a girlfriend.
Now after she got out the car, I started to ask myself, literally, "wtf did I do". Its hard to imagine me with that title actually. For the past relationships, there was no tag, so I was free bound only by morals. Now I can't do anything, I'm in jail. Not really, but it means thing are going to be different for me now.
As for her, I'm not sure. Today there was this kid at the track me that likes her and she told me about him. She doesn't want to tell him that we are dating since she already turned him down. So he spent the day with him and said we would hang out 2night. Now 2night turns into tomorrow.
I am sorta mad but I have to understand that tends to get tired early. But I think I'm beginning to see where this relationship is going already...
She brought up about how she is the type of person to take things slow, a typical girl thing so I didn't really bother me. I asked her would she have time for me, since she is always busy. She replied that she would try to make time for me. So then we decided to go out, meaning I have a girlfriend.
Now after she got out the car, I started to ask myself, literally, "wtf did I do". Its hard to imagine me with that title actually. For the past relationships, there was no tag, so I was free bound only by morals. Now I can't do anything, I'm in jail. Not really, but it means thing are going to be different for me now.
As for her, I'm not sure. Today there was this kid at the track me that likes her and she told me about him. She doesn't want to tell him that we are dating since she already turned him down. So he spent the day with him and said we would hang out 2night. Now 2night turns into tomorrow.
I am sorta mad but I have to understand that tends to get tired early. But I think I'm beginning to see where this relationship is going already...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Two
What have I gotten myself into.
I can't do this two girl thing, one of them has to go. And I can't let my past experiences with Ginger cloud the way I think of believing every girl is cold hearted and I shouldn't care how I treat them. They haven't done anything wrong.
And things bring me back to the idea of how people effect each other. I tend to fall between that I shouldn't care about women and their feelings because someday they will hurt me and won't care. Like Ginger who didn't really have moral or guidelines on how to treat people and understanding them. And when I try to make things right in the end, she still can't do the right thing. So I feel like thats everyone women and why should I care?
On the flip side I know they did nothing to deserve it, and being cruel to them would be out of place/character for me. On top of that I strive to better than people who affect me negatively like Ginger. Upholding my morals and ethics is something I try to do, even if I won't get what I want in the end.
But when the time comes, I'll make a choice and try my best to do right by both parties, not just myself.
I can't do this two girl thing, one of them has to go. And I can't let my past experiences with Ginger cloud the way I think of believing every girl is cold hearted and I shouldn't care how I treat them. They haven't done anything wrong.
And things bring me back to the idea of how people effect each other. I tend to fall between that I shouldn't care about women and their feelings because someday they will hurt me and won't care. Like Ginger who didn't really have moral or guidelines on how to treat people and understanding them. And when I try to make things right in the end, she still can't do the right thing. So I feel like thats everyone women and why should I care?
On the flip side I know they did nothing to deserve it, and being cruel to them would be out of place/character for me. On top of that I strive to better than people who affect me negatively like Ginger. Upholding my morals and ethics is something I try to do, even if I won't get what I want in the end.
But when the time comes, I'll make a choice and try my best to do right by both parties, not just myself.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Mental Preparation
I never felt this confident before, before a race.
My mind is completely calm, no anxiety what so ever. No fear of pain, of throwing up, of being short on breath. Instead there is a deep of confidence. Confidence that I'm going to win my heat, that I'm going to break the school record, that I'm going to surpirse everyone.
Its also like a hieghted sense of things. Like I easily tell how my injuries are going to hold up, how my breathing is, the tranquility of my mind, the strength of the muscles in my leg.
Throughout the week I've been invisioning running a 1:53. My 200's breaking down into something like 26, 27, 28, 29. I feel that I have the strength to pull that off.
Now all I need is execution. Execution of getting out fast enough, then holding it until the 400. Then for the 600 I break for a 1:23 and then come through in a 29. Thats my plan of execution.
Now its time to make it happen.
My mind is completely calm, no anxiety what so ever. No fear of pain, of throwing up, of being short on breath. Instead there is a deep of confidence. Confidence that I'm going to win my heat, that I'm going to break the school record, that I'm going to surpirse everyone.
Its also like a hieghted sense of things. Like I easily tell how my injuries are going to hold up, how my breathing is, the tranquility of my mind, the strength of the muscles in my leg.
Throughout the week I've been invisioning running a 1:53. My 200's breaking down into something like 26, 27, 28, 29. I feel that I have the strength to pull that off.
Now all I need is execution. Execution of getting out fast enough, then holding it until the 400. Then for the 600 I break for a 1:23 and then come through in a 29. Thats my plan of execution.
Now its time to make it happen.
Closure
So I've finally made closure regarding her.
My closure exist upon the fact the end, regardless os what a person has done to me, I can still do the right thing towards them.
So I decided to apologize for anything that I did wrong and tell her that I don't hate her or even dislike her. We go our seperate ways but I don't want all these negative feelings surroudnings us and what happeneed.
She then responds saying she hates me for being condescending towards her and that I never listen to her. Great reasons for hating someone but I'm condescending when she gets out of her place cocky like she knows it all. And I never listen to her? I always listen to her and undertand what she is saying.
Now that I look back, it was really her from the start. For one she is completely out of touch with her feelings. That is why she use to cut herself when she was younger. Her mom said she holds feelings in, her dad is passive aggressive her austic, i'm not sure what the story is with her mom, she had no friends has a childhood, is classified as a manic depressed, exhbits a ton of passive aggressive traits. My brother said I should have seen the writing on the wall a LONG time ago. I guess he was right.
About any feelings, she is in denail about them. Like she say she will have no feelings but the send me a card saying how much she loves me. She will hang out with me before way more than she does with her normal friends and tell her deepest secrets. On the flip side,at the end she couldn't even bare to talk to me and then months later comes out that she hates me. Basically she can't admit to a feeling, or doesn't want to feel it so she feels nothing as she stated in her last message "i hated you in the beginning and then it was just like...forget it. how can i hate him. i just dont care about him."
Instead of admitting to an emotion, it becomes indifference. A lot of her past shows she can't handle emotions, something is deeply wrong with her.
So in our last conversation ever, she was pinpointed on some of the things she did and behaviours and as usual side step all of them. She immature, very naive, and lacks a lot of experience.
So my closure exist in the fact that I could be a better person than her, the bigger person. Satification in how she is in denail everything and accepts only the truth she wants to here. And glad that she really is gone for good this time because I cut all ways back to me. I actualy made her do it, playing on her character even though she has yet to realize it.
There is also another truth she will never realize, in how bad she was tricked in the past. How I will not say and I will never have too because she will never ask. I know here all to well.
So now that all my thoughts are out of me, I feel better, and even better that I will be more succusful and have a happier and more promising life than her. In the end, she will always be nobody. I have to stop comparing myself to her because she is way beneath me to be doing that. There is nothing to look up to her about. I don't follow the weak, they follow me.
My closure exist upon the fact the end, regardless os what a person has done to me, I can still do the right thing towards them.
So I decided to apologize for anything that I did wrong and tell her that I don't hate her or even dislike her. We go our seperate ways but I don't want all these negative feelings surroudnings us and what happeneed.
She then responds saying she hates me for being condescending towards her and that I never listen to her. Great reasons for hating someone but I'm condescending when she gets out of her place cocky like she knows it all. And I never listen to her? I always listen to her and undertand what she is saying.
Now that I look back, it was really her from the start. For one she is completely out of touch with her feelings. That is why she use to cut herself when she was younger. Her mom said she holds feelings in, her dad is passive aggressive her austic, i'm not sure what the story is with her mom, she had no friends has a childhood, is classified as a manic depressed, exhbits a ton of passive aggressive traits. My brother said I should have seen the writing on the wall a LONG time ago. I guess he was right.
About any feelings, she is in denail about them. Like she say she will have no feelings but the send me a card saying how much she loves me. She will hang out with me before way more than she does with her normal friends and tell her deepest secrets. On the flip side,at the end she couldn't even bare to talk to me and then months later comes out that she hates me. Basically she can't admit to a feeling, or doesn't want to feel it so she feels nothing as she stated in her last message "i hated you in the beginning and then it was just like...forget it. how can i hate him. i just dont care about him."
Instead of admitting to an emotion, it becomes indifference. A lot of her past shows she can't handle emotions, something is deeply wrong with her.
So in our last conversation ever, she was pinpointed on some of the things she did and behaviours and as usual side step all of them. She immature, very naive, and lacks a lot of experience.
So my closure exist in the fact that I could be a better person than her, the bigger person. Satification in how she is in denail everything and accepts only the truth she wants to here. And glad that she really is gone for good this time because I cut all ways back to me. I actualy made her do it, playing on her character even though she has yet to realize it.
There is also another truth she will never realize, in how bad she was tricked in the past. How I will not say and I will never have too because she will never ask. I know here all to well.
So now that all my thoughts are out of me, I feel better, and even better that I will be more succusful and have a happier and more promising life than her. In the end, she will always be nobody. I have to stop comparing myself to her because she is way beneath me to be doing that. There is nothing to look up to her about. I don't follow the weak, they follow me.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Reality
People live their lives, bound by what is correct and true. Thats how they define reality.
But what does it mean to be "Correct" or "True"? Merely vague concepts, their reality maybe a mirage.
Can we consider them living in their own world shaped by their own beliefs?
But what does it mean to be "Correct" or "True"? Merely vague concepts, their reality maybe a mirage.
Can we consider them living in their own world shaped by their own beliefs?
Starting A Business
A never realized starting a business could be so difficult. There are so many aspects that I have to learn, and they are not regular job skills but more like managing skills, but the most important thing I've learned is not to rebuild the wheel, but to build upon it.
Legal
I have to know my legal restrainstants and requirements. This is to protect the customer but more importantly myself and my business. This includes many such as warranties, how to treat employees, sales, refunds, privacy policies, EVERYTHING. I think my school has some free lawyers so I am going to make a draft and send it to them to see what they think. I plain to build my models off of Apple, HP and Dell.
Financial
I have to oversee all the financial information. First is starting out with expenses. i have to pay for a phone line, internet access, and some banking fees. That will come up to about $100 a month so the company has to make atleast that every month to keep from going broke. Then is going to come, how to use excess money for reinvesting to help the company grow even larger. Every decision I make has to be a wise and well thought out one, no jumping off the bridge and hoping I land into water.
Employees
Good employees are hard to find. I have to search for certain qualities in employees or I feel is going to be a waste of time. The first thing is motivation. Employees have to be motivated to work without me breathing down their neck. I'm not mom and dad and don't have time to be either. The problem at my school is that many individual are not motivated. I have to chase them when I shouldn't and won't. I offer profits, much higher than they are making now, and if they choose to just sit idle, thats not my problem.
On the flip side, I want an employee that is sorta like a drone, or should I say not too smart or savy. Someone who is really smart and really motivated would learn the business inside and out and then create their own business. So ironically I don't want another me but I do at the same time.
Time
I've come to the realizaion that 24 hours in one day is not enough. If 6-8 hours are spent sleeping, that leaves 16 hours of being conscious. Then come track, class, cooking, eating, normal day to day things which prob take up a good 6 hours which leaves 10. The business day is only 8 hours which leaves about 2 hours for research and development, or time for me to really work.
I use to sing "Time is on my side, yes it is" when I was younger, but the truth is time is my number one enemy. It doesn't stop or slow down, and I can't go back, and it keeps getting shorter. So I have to learn to make the best use of it.
Customer Support
Customer Support is the most important part of a business because if we loose customers, we lose profit. So good customer support is neccesary to help the company grow by creating a returning customer and word of mouth.
Advertistment
Advertistment is a key element to get the companies name and products on the market. There are many ways to advertist, some free while others cost. But advertistment has to be update, informative, eye catching and constantly updated.
Work
Right now it is pretty much just me working by myself on projects, which make things a lot harder. So what I have learned is that a business has many parts to it. I would help if I had an HR person, a legal person, a R&D team, and some customer service, someone in advertising, but all the cost money too The main goal now is create a constant cash flow and return customers to help the company flourish.
Legal
I have to know my legal restrainstants and requirements. This is to protect the customer but more importantly myself and my business. This includes many such as warranties, how to treat employees, sales, refunds, privacy policies, EVERYTHING. I think my school has some free lawyers so I am going to make a draft and send it to them to see what they think. I plain to build my models off of Apple, HP and Dell.
Financial
I have to oversee all the financial information. First is starting out with expenses. i have to pay for a phone line, internet access, and some banking fees. That will come up to about $100 a month so the company has to make atleast that every month to keep from going broke. Then is going to come, how to use excess money for reinvesting to help the company grow even larger. Every decision I make has to be a wise and well thought out one, no jumping off the bridge and hoping I land into water.
Employees
Good employees are hard to find. I have to search for certain qualities in employees or I feel is going to be a waste of time. The first thing is motivation. Employees have to be motivated to work without me breathing down their neck. I'm not mom and dad and don't have time to be either. The problem at my school is that many individual are not motivated. I have to chase them when I shouldn't and won't. I offer profits, much higher than they are making now, and if they choose to just sit idle, thats not my problem.
On the flip side, I want an employee that is sorta like a drone, or should I say not too smart or savy. Someone who is really smart and really motivated would learn the business inside and out and then create their own business. So ironically I don't want another me but I do at the same time.
Time
I've come to the realizaion that 24 hours in one day is not enough. If 6-8 hours are spent sleeping, that leaves 16 hours of being conscious. Then come track, class, cooking, eating, normal day to day things which prob take up a good 6 hours which leaves 10. The business day is only 8 hours which leaves about 2 hours for research and development, or time for me to really work.
I use to sing "Time is on my side, yes it is" when I was younger, but the truth is time is my number one enemy. It doesn't stop or slow down, and I can't go back, and it keeps getting shorter. So I have to learn to make the best use of it.
Customer Support
Customer Support is the most important part of a business because if we loose customers, we lose profit. So good customer support is neccesary to help the company grow by creating a returning customer and word of mouth.
Advertistment
Advertistment is a key element to get the companies name and products on the market. There are many ways to advertist, some free while others cost. But advertistment has to be update, informative, eye catching and constantly updated.
Work
Right now it is pretty much just me working by myself on projects, which make things a lot harder. So what I have learned is that a business has many parts to it. I would help if I had an HR person, a legal person, a R&D team, and some customer service, someone in advertising, but all the cost money too The main goal now is create a constant cash flow and return customers to help the company flourish.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Reason Why
This is to let everything about what has happened with her and why all this as happened.
First off, she is way to immature. I first began to recongize her immaturiy and her inability to grasp any mature or abstract concepts. I can give a bunch of examples on this. Like the time I was talking about the people booing and complaining about letting the President of Iran speak, and how I was appalled at them for not being any better. Her reasoning came to be I was wrong for saying this and saying it just to disagree with them. Then I explain no, I'm not basing if there actions were right or wrong based upon how I feel, but rather what our countries stands for and its principle, and that was a situation in which you have freedom of speech only if you agree with the masses, which isn't freedom at all. She didn't quite understand it, I could tell by her lack of response and an end of conversation. Then there are other times when I she says things and I confront her with some logic and she cracks and can't handle it. Like a teacher told her she should read a whole chapter in a book first, mind you chapters are 50 pages, and then go back and outline the chapter. She is doing this and complaining it takes so long, so I bring up the question, just because the teacher says it, does that make it right? Just because she is your teacher, does she know everything or what works for you, or is even logical in methods all the time? Are teachers human too and just as fallable as everyone else? She signs offline immediatly ending the conversation. Or when I ask her, how does she judge right or wrong based upon more of what she feels, what are some good ways of defining what you do to a person is actually wrong or right? She says that none of my business and signs offline again. And I began to realize she doesn't think deeply or abstractly about anything. Everything to her is superficial.
And this brings me to her lack of growth. Because she chooses not to face things and think about them, even though they might be kinda hard, she doesn't grow. Her main responses are, "I don't want to share those thoughts with you" and "none of your business." Gee, I lost when questioning your teacher was a deep personal matter. Even when we had fights, I tell her what I realized and what I learned and a mistake that I made and when I am wrong, but when it comes to her she never has learned anything, didnt realize anything about myself or herself, and is NEVER wrong.
But she has other deeper issues of not being able to face people in arguements or disagreement. For one, she has never argued with me in person, and the one time we argued over the phone, is because I pratically had to force her. Besides that she sticks too fighting online and on facebook, and its really pathetic. If its not a facebook or AIM, she's not arguing. And its not just me. There was the time where she punched Ryan and walked out of a film meeting because he's apparently and asshole at times. She just ignores her mom when she yells at her. In class when losing a fight over an opened window, she storms out. Whenever I said lets talk or confronted her on something, her first move is to always dodge me until I praticaly have to find a way to get her to listen, which generally is a fight. The fight wouldn't have happened if she would grow up and just face me to begin with. And then she would last about 3 minutes in an arguement before she just starts tuning me out,just making the fight worse. And when it just dragged on for weeks when it could have been over the first night, which made things much worse between us.
Never have I had such fights with any girlfriend or X-girlfriend in my life. And another about her, she is completely off the wall selfish. If it involves time with no benefits for her, she's not into helpling anyone. Lets see, for her I would wait 40 minutes for her to finish up a project at school and then drive her to office depot to get her stuff done and a few other places. Then I;m sleeping because I have to run early that next morning, and she called me at 11:00 to get out of bed, and come take care of her because she is piss ass drunk. And I do until 4 in the morning, ruining my 12 mile morning run. And then she drivs me car but when I asked her for any gas money, she gets stingy and doesn't want to give any. And then wonders WHY am I mad at her.
She has serious issues with her. But its not completely her fault. Her mom does yell a lot and goes off on tangents, her brother is austic and does some strange things. Her dad is an alcholic and is austic. She never really had any friends until she got to high school. The only serious relationship she has ever had is me, and didn't handle all the responsibilty correctly. How are you gonna she on someone and then tell them not to yell at you when they find out, and then say they overreacted. No morals, no ability to understand anyone else feelings. Or when I tell her my parents are getting a divorce and how I feel, all she can really say is get over it. Like seriosly, thats apathy right there for no reason. Her life has been so messed up and she has serious issues now. And the worst part about it, is she thinks everything is perfectly fine with her. Its not a bad thing to be passive aggressive personality disorder or a manic depressant. Oh really? Well ask your teach teacher or do some researsch to see how passive aggresive affects people throughout life, very negatively. Complete denial is wat keeps her going.
And she is definetely not a happy person. She doesn't like carnivals, playland, minature golf, laser tag, eating at restuarants, many types of movies, many times of music and so many other things. Like there have been so many times where I've tried to have fun with her, and she purposely tries not to have fun. Like what is your problem?
So anyway, to sum it up, the reason why all these fights have happened to end up this way is because of her immatutiry and deeper issues. Yes I am guilty too. I did push her sometimes to much, but other times you she deserved it, espeically when I was mad at her. But really, the only thing she can do now is not care but she knows she can't handle responsiblity, so the only thing she can do is tune things out. Thats her life, running from life instead of facing it.
Ginger Elias
Be careful of her, she has issues and will make you have issues too.
Strangley though, I do still care about her. Most people would be like why? Maybe I'm just sad that all of this really had to happen.
First off, she is way to immature. I first began to recongize her immaturiy and her inability to grasp any mature or abstract concepts. I can give a bunch of examples on this. Like the time I was talking about the people booing and complaining about letting the President of Iran speak, and how I was appalled at them for not being any better. Her reasoning came to be I was wrong for saying this and saying it just to disagree with them. Then I explain no, I'm not basing if there actions were right or wrong based upon how I feel, but rather what our countries stands for and its principle, and that was a situation in which you have freedom of speech only if you agree with the masses, which isn't freedom at all. She didn't quite understand it, I could tell by her lack of response and an end of conversation. Then there are other times when I she says things and I confront her with some logic and she cracks and can't handle it. Like a teacher told her she should read a whole chapter in a book first, mind you chapters are 50 pages, and then go back and outline the chapter. She is doing this and complaining it takes so long, so I bring up the question, just because the teacher says it, does that make it right? Just because she is your teacher, does she know everything or what works for you, or is even logical in methods all the time? Are teachers human too and just as fallable as everyone else? She signs offline immediatly ending the conversation. Or when I ask her, how does she judge right or wrong based upon more of what she feels, what are some good ways of defining what you do to a person is actually wrong or right? She says that none of my business and signs offline again. And I began to realize she doesn't think deeply or abstractly about anything. Everything to her is superficial.
And this brings me to her lack of growth. Because she chooses not to face things and think about them, even though they might be kinda hard, she doesn't grow. Her main responses are, "I don't want to share those thoughts with you" and "none of your business." Gee, I lost when questioning your teacher was a deep personal matter. Even when we had fights, I tell her what I realized and what I learned and a mistake that I made and when I am wrong, but when it comes to her she never has learned anything, didnt realize anything about myself or herself, and is NEVER wrong.
But she has other deeper issues of not being able to face people in arguements or disagreement. For one, she has never argued with me in person, and the one time we argued over the phone, is because I pratically had to force her. Besides that she sticks too fighting online and on facebook, and its really pathetic. If its not a facebook or AIM, she's not arguing. And its not just me. There was the time where she punched Ryan and walked out of a film meeting because he's apparently and asshole at times. She just ignores her mom when she yells at her. In class when losing a fight over an opened window, she storms out. Whenever I said lets talk or confronted her on something, her first move is to always dodge me until I praticaly have to find a way to get her to listen, which generally is a fight. The fight wouldn't have happened if she would grow up and just face me to begin with. And then she would last about 3 minutes in an arguement before she just starts tuning me out,just making the fight worse. And when it just dragged on for weeks when it could have been over the first night, which made things much worse between us.
Never have I had such fights with any girlfriend or X-girlfriend in my life. And another about her, she is completely off the wall selfish. If it involves time with no benefits for her, she's not into helpling anyone. Lets see, for her I would wait 40 minutes for her to finish up a project at school and then drive her to office depot to get her stuff done and a few other places. Then I;m sleeping because I have to run early that next morning, and she called me at 11:00 to get out of bed, and come take care of her because she is piss ass drunk. And I do until 4 in the morning, ruining my 12 mile morning run. And then she drivs me car but when I asked her for any gas money, she gets stingy and doesn't want to give any. And then wonders WHY am I mad at her.
She has serious issues with her. But its not completely her fault. Her mom does yell a lot and goes off on tangents, her brother is austic and does some strange things. Her dad is an alcholic and is austic. She never really had any friends until she got to high school. The only serious relationship she has ever had is me, and didn't handle all the responsibilty correctly. How are you gonna she on someone and then tell them not to yell at you when they find out, and then say they overreacted. No morals, no ability to understand anyone else feelings. Or when I tell her my parents are getting a divorce and how I feel, all she can really say is get over it. Like seriosly, thats apathy right there for no reason. Her life has been so messed up and she has serious issues now. And the worst part about it, is she thinks everything is perfectly fine with her. Its not a bad thing to be passive aggressive personality disorder or a manic depressant. Oh really? Well ask your teach teacher or do some researsch to see how passive aggresive affects people throughout life, very negatively. Complete denial is wat keeps her going.
And she is definetely not a happy person. She doesn't like carnivals, playland, minature golf, laser tag, eating at restuarants, many types of movies, many times of music and so many other things. Like there have been so many times where I've tried to have fun with her, and she purposely tries not to have fun. Like what is your problem?
So anyway, to sum it up, the reason why all these fights have happened to end up this way is because of her immatutiry and deeper issues. Yes I am guilty too. I did push her sometimes to much, but other times you she deserved it, espeically when I was mad at her. But really, the only thing she can do now is not care but she knows she can't handle responsiblity, so the only thing she can do is tune things out. Thats her life, running from life instead of facing it.
Ginger Elias
Be careful of her, she has issues and will make you have issues too.
Strangley though, I do still care about her. Most people would be like why? Maybe I'm just sad that all of this really had to happen.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Simply put, I hate her has.
And I've come to the point of why should I forgive her? I have no reason to at all. She's a complete, insensitve, unemotional, selfish, gold digging bitch. She doesn't deserve forgiveness for anything she has put me through, at all. I depise and loathe just about everything about her and now I no longer wish to talk to her anymore.
The only problem is I can't dislike her mom and brother because they've done nothing bad to me. Her mom has been nothing but nice to me but she gave birth to that thing. So I'm torn, should I still be nice to the mom and brother or what?
And I've come to the point of why should I forgive her? I have no reason to at all. She's a complete, insensitve, unemotional, selfish, gold digging bitch. She doesn't deserve forgiveness for anything she has put me through, at all. I depise and loathe just about everything about her and now I no longer wish to talk to her anymore.
The only problem is I can't dislike her mom and brother because they've done nothing bad to me. Her mom has been nothing but nice to me but she gave birth to that thing. So I'm torn, should I still be nice to the mom and brother or what?
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Ok, I'm conflicted right now because I'm not sure what I want anymore.
I use to think we could be best friends again but apparently not, maybe I should throw the card she gave me in my drawer away.
And when I think I'm to hard on her and go easy, its like she feels jusitifed. As Ernest said, I shouldn't be saying I'm sorrying to end a conflict. She obviously doesn't want to end a confict but rather keep one going then why should you? But then he also gave me advice on how to calm things down. And its like no matter wha I try, bringing it up in very civil calm way, w/e, it ends with the same result of her being passive aggresive.
I want to forgive her for lieing almost all the time but I feel if I do...is what is called positive reinforcement for her, where like bad behaviour is getting rewarded. So I don't no if I can forgive her and I might end up hating her forever really. She'll be added to the Michelle list(first girl I ever really hated..hate like if I had the choice I saving her life I wouldn't).
But then she said I don't want to talk to you right now, and that could mean that she is willing to accept some blame and responsibilty. That maybe she'll sit down and think about it and realize "Devin has never really done anything and has always been there for me....is this really what I do in return?". But thats a big maybe, if she doesn't block it out.
But the thing that really eats me away is her lying. She's never straight. First off about lying, in no culture in any way shape or form is lying EVER seen as an moral to uphold or something good. In both he Koran and Bible, it talks about the evils of lying and a sin to do it. Americans hate when the governemnt lies to them. Lying is never good, period. And she took her all so knowledgable friends advice, and decided to come up with this huge lye(i'm being repetive but this is eating me alive right now) but the lie creates a BIGGER arguement than her just saying, "sorry I feel asleep and forgot to call u again...u have a right to be mad." And then when I discover its a lie from one of her friends, its turns into an even bigger arguement. There is no excuse or reason for that. Thats why I want to go to someone like Pastor Dan and ask him, and I really do plan too. That way if I'm wrong, in which this case I know that I'm anything but, atleast it will be fair. But I no he'll say forgive her blah blah blah, but I'm not so sure I'm about forgiveness anymore, does she really deserve it? I mean always forgive her an apologize, but when it comes to her wrongs, her apologizing is like drawing blood from a nail. And then if I put my stuff at risk for her, she should, it would be right, to say fine, I'll go give up some time for you since you really do put urself at risk for me. When I tried to compromise saying, "yea I will be able to watch it wednesday if you could help me out with things", she doesnt want to do that. It has to be her way. She says she would, but deep inside she knows she wouldn't. And that is what also eats me up. She says I'm going to do the right thing today, but falls short on it. The right think would have been giving me 5 bucks for gas before and not saying, "you should never believe a drunk person, esp me drunk". But then again after that she did give me like 2-3 dollars for gas at time. Even though 2-3 doesn't even pay for a gallon because a gallon is 3.20, I still very much appreciated the effort. And I think she has to learn the meanin of sacrifice. Sacrfice doesn't mean you give up something you really don't want, like a piece of dirt on your property, sacrifice is giving up something valauble and important, like the flat screen in your house.
And like the post I said before, I don't think I'm going to tell her what I am doing, but thats her loss then. We shall see.
I use to think we could be best friends again but apparently not, maybe I should throw the card she gave me in my drawer away.
And when I think I'm to hard on her and go easy, its like she feels jusitifed. As Ernest said, I shouldn't be saying I'm sorrying to end a conflict. She obviously doesn't want to end a confict but rather keep one going then why should you? But then he also gave me advice on how to calm things down. And its like no matter wha I try, bringing it up in very civil calm way, w/e, it ends with the same result of her being passive aggresive.
I want to forgive her for lieing almost all the time but I feel if I do...is what is called positive reinforcement for her, where like bad behaviour is getting rewarded. So I don't no if I can forgive her and I might end up hating her forever really. She'll be added to the Michelle list(first girl I ever really hated..hate like if I had the choice I saving her life I wouldn't).
But then she said I don't want to talk to you right now, and that could mean that she is willing to accept some blame and responsibilty. That maybe she'll sit down and think about it and realize "Devin has never really done anything and has always been there for me....is this really what I do in return?". But thats a big maybe, if she doesn't block it out.
But the thing that really eats me away is her lying. She's never straight. First off about lying, in no culture in any way shape or form is lying EVER seen as an moral to uphold or something good. In both he Koran and Bible, it talks about the evils of lying and a sin to do it. Americans hate when the governemnt lies to them. Lying is never good, period. And she took her all so knowledgable friends advice, and decided to come up with this huge lye(i'm being repetive but this is eating me alive right now) but the lie creates a BIGGER arguement than her just saying, "sorry I feel asleep and forgot to call u again...u have a right to be mad." And then when I discover its a lie from one of her friends, its turns into an even bigger arguement. There is no excuse or reason for that. Thats why I want to go to someone like Pastor Dan and ask him, and I really do plan too. That way if I'm wrong, in which this case I know that I'm anything but, atleast it will be fair. But I no he'll say forgive her blah blah blah, but I'm not so sure I'm about forgiveness anymore, does she really deserve it? I mean always forgive her an apologize, but when it comes to her wrongs, her apologizing is like drawing blood from a nail. And then if I put my stuff at risk for her, she should, it would be right, to say fine, I'll go give up some time for you since you really do put urself at risk for me. When I tried to compromise saying, "yea I will be able to watch it wednesday if you could help me out with things", she doesnt want to do that. It has to be her way. She says she would, but deep inside she knows she wouldn't. And that is what also eats me up. She says I'm going to do the right thing today, but falls short on it. The right think would have been giving me 5 bucks for gas before and not saying, "you should never believe a drunk person, esp me drunk". But then again after that she did give me like 2-3 dollars for gas at time. Even though 2-3 doesn't even pay for a gallon because a gallon is 3.20, I still very much appreciated the effort. And I think she has to learn the meanin of sacrifice. Sacrfice doesn't mean you give up something you really don't want, like a piece of dirt on your property, sacrifice is giving up something valauble and important, like the flat screen in your house.
And like the post I said before, I don't think I'm going to tell her what I am doing, but thats her loss then. We shall see.
I could tell her what she is missing out on but I think I'd rather not now.
Funny, she could have had it all. I lot of people don't realize a succesful young business man when they see one. Like they will look at him and assume he works for Walmart not knowing he started, and owns his own multi million dollar business and a good portion of stock. College won't teach you that.
But I love it when people misjudge me at first and then find out what I really do. I generally won't tell them unless they ask and I never tell they seem interesting to me. But I'm in rare group I've noticed, I seldom come across people like me and when I do we can talk for days. Buts it all good.
Another one misses chance. But its best not to tell women about your money, keeps gold diggers away, but I don't think after this I'll trust anymore.
Funny, I gave her all the clues to, like I'll support you n stuff, but she didn't take time to pick up. She won't take time for the small things.
Funny, she could have had it all. I lot of people don't realize a succesful young business man when they see one. Like they will look at him and assume he works for Walmart not knowing he started, and owns his own multi million dollar business and a good portion of stock. College won't teach you that.
But I love it when people misjudge me at first and then find out what I really do. I generally won't tell them unless they ask and I never tell they seem interesting to me. But I'm in rare group I've noticed, I seldom come across people like me and when I do we can talk for days. Buts it all good.
Another one misses chance. But its best not to tell women about your money, keeps gold diggers away, but I don't think after this I'll trust anymore.
Funny, I gave her all the clues to, like I'll support you n stuff, but she didn't take time to pick up. She won't take time for the small things.
Fallacy...Common Sense Says So
Since its been bugging my, I'm gonna break down her logic.
1. I don't want to see you anymore
Why?
A. We argue
Question Why do we argue?
Her Answers:
A. Our Personality Clash
B. I'm to sensentive
Reasons of why I think based on evidence and facts that be can accounted for and measured:
A. Constantly forgets to call back(or chooses not to), espeically when plans are made.
B. Lies. Calls them white lies but seems to not know the boundaries and its all ok.
C. Justification for everything she does, instead of admitting she is wrong.
D. Only apologizes after thoroughly loosing an arguement or not at all
E. Does things to instigate an arguement.
F. Does things to embroil arguements(ex: silent treament when she knows I hate that)
G. Takes advice from friends with little or no experience or biased friends.
H. Hates being wrong and will not see if she ever does anything aka irresonsibly of ones actions and the following consequences(in her mind there should be none)
I. Has yet to try to correct any of her behaviours that cause fights.
K. Hard time reconilling after aka can't get over things.
Observations: She is more sensitive than me, but she doesn't realize it. I realized that a while back through arguements that she is very sensitive to being blamed and it sends it her into a state of passive aggresive. Possibly of studying further is plausable. I know she doesn't want to admit to doing anything wrong because when she returned and we started talking, I would say the things I did wrong and she was all to happy to agree. But she wouldn't dare comment on any of her actions being wrong at all. In her mind, she will always be right, even if I told someone like Pastor Dan, in which I might because a good guy to talk too. So I think I really might talk to Pastor Dan, seems like a good idea so I can see what he thinks from his perspective.
Conclusion: It will be hard for us to be friends because of her way of dealing with situations. Worst of them is she has yet to learn how to mitigate and when not to fight. Her reasons for not want to be friends with my anymore is because I make her responsible for her actions and she hates that. There is no such thing a personaility clashing, sensetivity and respect are two different things. Everything really falls in your camp.
Analysis Complete. Logical Flaw is Evident.
1. I don't want to see you anymore
Why?
A. We argue
Question Why do we argue?
Her Answers:
A. Our Personality Clash
B. I'm to sensentive
Reasons of why I think based on evidence and facts that be can accounted for and measured:
A. Constantly forgets to call back(or chooses not to), espeically when plans are made.
B. Lies. Calls them white lies but seems to not know the boundaries and its all ok.
C. Justification for everything she does, instead of admitting she is wrong.
D. Only apologizes after thoroughly loosing an arguement or not at all
E. Does things to instigate an arguement.
F. Does things to embroil arguements(ex: silent treament when she knows I hate that)
G. Takes advice from friends with little or no experience or biased friends.
H. Hates being wrong and will not see if she ever does anything aka irresonsibly of ones actions and the following consequences(in her mind there should be none)
I. Has yet to try to correct any of her behaviours that cause fights.
K. Hard time reconilling after aka can't get over things.
Observations: She is more sensitive than me, but she doesn't realize it. I realized that a while back through arguements that she is very sensitive to being blamed and it sends it her into a state of passive aggresive. Possibly of studying further is plausable. I know she doesn't want to admit to doing anything wrong because when she returned and we started talking, I would say the things I did wrong and she was all to happy to agree. But she wouldn't dare comment on any of her actions being wrong at all. In her mind, she will always be right, even if I told someone like Pastor Dan, in which I might because a good guy to talk too. So I think I really might talk to Pastor Dan, seems like a good idea so I can see what he thinks from his perspective.
Conclusion: It will be hard for us to be friends because of her way of dealing with situations. Worst of them is she has yet to learn how to mitigate and when not to fight. Her reasons for not want to be friends with my anymore is because I make her responsible for her actions and she hates that. There is no such thing a personaility clashing, sensetivity and respect are two different things. Everything really falls in your camp.
Analysis Complete. Logical Flaw is Evident.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
I'm so f**in mad right now I actually I have to write it out.
She never realizes when she is wrong ever. And when she does, she thinks it ok to just overlook it, like everything is ok. Well its not. She hates taking any resonsibility for her actions. For example, one night I made plans with her to have dinner. She said she would call at three o'clock saying a maybe and at 6 o'clock giving a definite. Doesn't call at 3 but I go buy the chicken but I shouldn't have knowing her level of responsibility. So I go work-out, run do my thing, come back, still no call at 6. I'm starving but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt of calling. So I go do some other stuff, shower etc. An hour goes by and still no call. I say forget it and make dinner. I then talk to her friend how I'm going to try and see what the reason why, and I was betting she had fallen asleep. Little did I know at the time, her friend and her were busying making a giant lie to and telling her other friends to act a long. But the lie was bullshit and still didn't excuse her for calling, and it turined into a huge fight online. And then at the end of the fight she decides to ignore me. What person in their right mind would do something like this. Make up a complete lie and then get into a huge fight trying to defend. And then what did she expect would happen if I found out about the lie? I at first forgave her recently instead of getting mad because I don't want to fight. But then she turns into a bitch. She loses her charger, suprise surpise. So I try to give her one of my but none fit. Then I let her drive my car around without insurance or a license putting me at risk. And we only have two days to hang out bc we're both going away. So when I ask her lets watch a movie, she is unwilling to make time to do so. She doesn't want to give up any of her time. She acts like the rest of the completely selfish edgemont bitches, who in the end think just about themselves.
And I know she's going to ask her friends about it and they are all going to take her side. NO DUH. Why do you think when you go to trail, the Jury isn't your friends? Thats like a sure victory. But no, she can't see the bias so in her mind, she is always right, she deserves nothing. And I'm always in the great part of the wrong. Always. Even before camp, she told me if I feel a certain way, to just tell her, without being mean or putdowns or anything. And I sent a single message saying, "And thats why I ask if you really want to know but I sorta expect little or no response back. Compassion or encouragement would be nice.". She turns into a huge bitch how she is to busy to leave a 5 word message. But of course she will have some way of justifying it. She always does. ALWAYS. Never wants to be wrong and just say sorry and have that be the end. I even left a message saying,"I'll drop it, whatever". But in her mind it still lives on. And the worst thing she has done is the silent patriach, its when a person doesn't respond at all. And it really is aggravating and infuriating and she constantly does it even thought I asked her to stop.
Now she'll have a reason for all this I know. But she can't see what she does causes fight. And now, because I feel used, abused and mistreated, which just pumps me so full of hate, I feel like I just want to see the worse possible things happen to her. Forget helping her, forget what I didn't bother to tell how about what was in store for her that would really help her. Its like this evil burning feeling.
She never realizes when she is wrong ever. And when she does, she thinks it ok to just overlook it, like everything is ok. Well its not. She hates taking any resonsibility for her actions. For example, one night I made plans with her to have dinner. She said she would call at three o'clock saying a maybe and at 6 o'clock giving a definite. Doesn't call at 3 but I go buy the chicken but I shouldn't have knowing her level of responsibility. So I go work-out, run do my thing, come back, still no call at 6. I'm starving but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt of calling. So I go do some other stuff, shower etc. An hour goes by and still no call. I say forget it and make dinner. I then talk to her friend how I'm going to try and see what the reason why, and I was betting she had fallen asleep. Little did I know at the time, her friend and her were busying making a giant lie to and telling her other friends to act a long. But the lie was bullshit and still didn't excuse her for calling, and it turined into a huge fight online. And then at the end of the fight she decides to ignore me. What person in their right mind would do something like this. Make up a complete lie and then get into a huge fight trying to defend. And then what did she expect would happen if I found out about the lie? I at first forgave her recently instead of getting mad because I don't want to fight. But then she turns into a bitch. She loses her charger, suprise surpise. So I try to give her one of my but none fit. Then I let her drive my car around without insurance or a license putting me at risk. And we only have two days to hang out bc we're both going away. So when I ask her lets watch a movie, she is unwilling to make time to do so. She doesn't want to give up any of her time. She acts like the rest of the completely selfish edgemont bitches, who in the end think just about themselves.
And I know she's going to ask her friends about it and they are all going to take her side. NO DUH. Why do you think when you go to trail, the Jury isn't your friends? Thats like a sure victory. But no, she can't see the bias so in her mind, she is always right, she deserves nothing. And I'm always in the great part of the wrong. Always. Even before camp, she told me if I feel a certain way, to just tell her, without being mean or putdowns or anything. And I sent a single message saying, "And thats why I ask if you really want to know but I sorta expect little or no response back. Compassion or encouragement would be nice.". She turns into a huge bitch how she is to busy to leave a 5 word message. But of course she will have some way of justifying it. She always does. ALWAYS. Never wants to be wrong and just say sorry and have that be the end. I even left a message saying,"I'll drop it, whatever". But in her mind it still lives on. And the worst thing she has done is the silent patriach, its when a person doesn't respond at all. And it really is aggravating and infuriating and she constantly does it even thought I asked her to stop.
Now she'll have a reason for all this I know. But she can't see what she does causes fight. And now, because I feel used, abused and mistreated, which just pumps me so full of hate, I feel like I just want to see the worse possible things happen to her. Forget helping her, forget what I didn't bother to tell how about what was in store for her that would really help her. Its like this evil burning feeling.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Her Again
I Don't Know What It Is?
I want to sit down and discuss what actually is the real reason that we fight? I know its not closely because we have gone everday with seeing each other, and its not pesonailtiy differences like she say...thats to much of some movie reason. But I can't figure it out unless I can talk to her.
And the thing is, I really do care for her, thats why she still around. I don't think she takes me serously when I say I don't give other girls chances. Thats probably why my only other real friends who are girls are Sarah and RayRay. I love them both. Other girlss they mess up and there done, its that simple.
And I don't know about her, but I just see it as a phase. We have these times where we just mesh so well together, like we're like glue. Where ever I am, she is and vice versa. But its like at other times we can't be in the same town. And that really perplexes me.
The things I wish most from her is that she would just drop her guard and open up. She doesn't like to show any feelings or emotions because that is weakness and a loss of power. She does like control of a situation and sometimes when I give it to her just takes some things a lil to far...
But she is learning and growing all the time. Many of lifes experiences are going to change her even more for the better. Its funny though, you really can't tell someone in high school about how the world really is. No one could tell me back then about how life really is when you life high school. They tell you and you think you know, but you really have no idea. So I guess sometimes I push things on her that I'm use and experience in the real world that she is not. Sorta like my brother did to me, and at times I hated it. But its funny, I later thanked him for it because I realize those things he did helped me out so much later. Some day were gonna look back together and just laugh at all of this.
And another thing wish for her is to use her talents and develop them. She's a good writer because I've read her essays, they are very fluent and come together. She could be a very could playwrite but she needs to really fail first. And failure is never a bad thing because it means you don't have a choice, your going to learn something. If you always have had sucess, you get less experience. And I wish she would listen to me on some ideas about business. Like I want her to be happy, make money and do what she wants. In reality generally one of those has to go, sad but true. But some of her career choices I fear that it will be very difficult for her to make money. And money is not everything, just those with it are happier than those without it.
One thing I dislike that she does is never take my advice that serously, but I guess thats all teenagers. Like when I tell her about good colleges to go to, she says no. I don't know why but I'm not telling her about these schools for my health, but because these schools I present to her are top rated and have a much better of being successful after college. Oh and another I dislike is when she puts her self down. She really is smart and really can get into very good schools, and I don't know if she sees it but me and her mom both do. And it really does bother me when she says things like "I can't get into NorthEastern or other very good schools."
But for her I changed a lot of my behavior. I no longer say things like "Idc" or anything like I'm going to get rid of her anytime soon. I'm not so I stopped saying things like. I also know try to stay calm as possible, even when she is attacking me because I don't want to fight her. I watch what I say more to her and don't just blurt out extremely hurtful things because I'm everything. Basically I've brought everything with her down to how she treats me. I change for her because...I want her there, in my life. I'm not sure if I really have a closer friend.
But when she doesn't have an adoloscent attitude, she really is a sweet and kind person. Enjoyable to be around. I really do miss those days when we could just sit in the same room together and enjoy each other companies again without words. I miss that the most.
But I'm sure everything will be, just another phase.
Gotta be optimistic.
I want to sit down and discuss what actually is the real reason that we fight? I know its not closely because we have gone everday with seeing each other, and its not pesonailtiy differences like she say...thats to much of some movie reason. But I can't figure it out unless I can talk to her.
And the thing is, I really do care for her, thats why she still around. I don't think she takes me serously when I say I don't give other girls chances. Thats probably why my only other real friends who are girls are Sarah and RayRay. I love them both. Other girlss they mess up and there done, its that simple.
And I don't know about her, but I just see it as a phase. We have these times where we just mesh so well together, like we're like glue. Where ever I am, she is and vice versa. But its like at other times we can't be in the same town. And that really perplexes me.
The things I wish most from her is that she would just drop her guard and open up. She doesn't like to show any feelings or emotions because that is weakness and a loss of power. She does like control of a situation and sometimes when I give it to her just takes some things a lil to far...
But she is learning and growing all the time. Many of lifes experiences are going to change her even more for the better. Its funny though, you really can't tell someone in high school about how the world really is. No one could tell me back then about how life really is when you life high school. They tell you and you think you know, but you really have no idea. So I guess sometimes I push things on her that I'm use and experience in the real world that she is not. Sorta like my brother did to me, and at times I hated it. But its funny, I later thanked him for it because I realize those things he did helped me out so much later. Some day were gonna look back together and just laugh at all of this.
And another thing wish for her is to use her talents and develop them. She's a good writer because I've read her essays, they are very fluent and come together. She could be a very could playwrite but she needs to really fail first. And failure is never a bad thing because it means you don't have a choice, your going to learn something. If you always have had sucess, you get less experience. And I wish she would listen to me on some ideas about business. Like I want her to be happy, make money and do what she wants. In reality generally one of those has to go, sad but true. But some of her career choices I fear that it will be very difficult for her to make money. And money is not everything, just those with it are happier than those without it.
One thing I dislike that she does is never take my advice that serously, but I guess thats all teenagers. Like when I tell her about good colleges to go to, she says no. I don't know why but I'm not telling her about these schools for my health, but because these schools I present to her are top rated and have a much better of being successful after college. Oh and another I dislike is when she puts her self down. She really is smart and really can get into very good schools, and I don't know if she sees it but me and her mom both do. And it really does bother me when she says things like "I can't get into NorthEastern or other very good schools."
But for her I changed a lot of my behavior. I no longer say things like "Idc" or anything like I'm going to get rid of her anytime soon. I'm not so I stopped saying things like. I also know try to stay calm as possible, even when she is attacking me because I don't want to fight her. I watch what I say more to her and don't just blurt out extremely hurtful things because I'm everything. Basically I've brought everything with her down to how she treats me. I change for her because...I want her there, in my life. I'm not sure if I really have a closer friend.
But when she doesn't have an adoloscent attitude, she really is a sweet and kind person. Enjoyable to be around. I really do miss those days when we could just sit in the same room together and enjoy each other companies again without words. I miss that the most.
But I'm sure everything will be, just another phase.
Gotta be optimistic.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Anger
Its not that I don't love her bc I love her half to death,
just that some of the things she does towards me just isn't right...
so I get mad and yell at her....
uh enough for now, I'm tired from programming
and I need a shower.....
and I need to write in her more often
just that some of the things she does towards me just isn't right...
so I get mad and yell at her....
uh enough for now, I'm tired from programming
and I need a shower.....
and I need to write in her more often
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Last night I woke again at 3 in the morning.
I kept but just contemplate the existence of myself and the oncoming end that I face. Questions keep running through my mind like why must it end? Am I to be like everyone before me? The thought no longer scares me, instead I think about it intensley.
So I got up and went outside to just stare at the night sky. I wish the moon was out, I sure do miss the moon. And I just stood there, enjoying the warm freeze, listening to the sound of crickets, watching the frogs hop around. And I thought to really think am I happy, will I ever be truly happy? As it says in the declarations, "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Does that mean has a human, like those 200 years before me, would never truly find happiness. I could pursue it until my days numbered but would I ever reach it?
I use to think happiness was when I was in Mexico just enjoying myself when I wanted nothing. I use to think it was when I had Ginger, Sophie, a home not only at home but at the nature center. But everything I gone now and moved to some other place. Yes I have friends here but am I happy? I can only surmise sometimes yes, sometimes no.
So now I'm about to make major changes in my life again. Haha, nothing new at all. But this time I will follow through on every one of them.
I kept but just contemplate the existence of myself and the oncoming end that I face. Questions keep running through my mind like why must it end? Am I to be like everyone before me? The thought no longer scares me, instead I think about it intensley.
So I got up and went outside to just stare at the night sky. I wish the moon was out, I sure do miss the moon. And I just stood there, enjoying the warm freeze, listening to the sound of crickets, watching the frogs hop around. And I thought to really think am I happy, will I ever be truly happy? As it says in the declarations, "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Does that mean has a human, like those 200 years before me, would never truly find happiness. I could pursue it until my days numbered but would I ever reach it?
I use to think happiness was when I was in Mexico just enjoying myself when I wanted nothing. I use to think it was when I had Ginger, Sophie, a home not only at home but at the nature center. But everything I gone now and moved to some other place. Yes I have friends here but am I happy? I can only surmise sometimes yes, sometimes no.
So now I'm about to make major changes in my life again. Haha, nothing new at all. But this time I will follow through on every one of them.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
SHOCKED
I know I said I wasn't gonna write about her anymore but w/e, I'm over that know.
So she gave these items I've been asking for. I just asked for one and I thought that she would just give me it and that would be that. NO, she gave me 8 of them, really nice ones too. I was so...shocked, suprised and happy about it. I mean she's never really done this much just for me before, just because I wanted it. She is even sending me a card in the mail.
All this lil things are just adding up and it makes me feel good that she is doing it. In fact, I want to do something more for her. I already got her a suprise for when I get back home but now I want to do something more for her, something that I know she would love.
I'm like that as a person, do for me and I'll do double for you.
I just feel bad I can't do anything for her right now. But I'll take her somewhere really nice as my treat or something like that.
But this is a definite good shock.
So she gave these items I've been asking for. I just asked for one and I thought that she would just give me it and that would be that. NO, she gave me 8 of them, really nice ones too. I was so...shocked, suprised and happy about it. I mean she's never really done this much just for me before, just because I wanted it. She is even sending me a card in the mail.
All this lil things are just adding up and it makes me feel good that she is doing it. In fact, I want to do something more for her. I already got her a suprise for when I get back home but now I want to do something more for her, something that I know she would love.
I'm like that as a person, do for me and I'll do double for you.
I just feel bad I can't do anything for her right now. But I'll take her somewhere really nice as my treat or something like that.
But this is a definite good shock.
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